Would you have your elderly mother live with you

[Valerie65]

My mum has become increasingly mentally dependant on my sister & I since our df died. She is still fairly fit physically, but has increasing depression, anxiety, bad nerves, loneliness etc. She can't stand being in the marital home any longer. There doesn't seem to be much around She could move into & doesn't want to go I'm a care home yet. She's going to see a Councillor in a couple of weeks & has started on antidepressants. In the meantime she only seems to be able to cope if she's at either of our houses. If we allowed it she would definately move in, although she doesn't want to be a burden & knows its not fair on our marriages. My dh gets on fine with her bit is becoming very frustrated with not feeling like his home is our sanctuary anymore. He couldn't have her living here full time. I have offered to stay at hers for a full week every other week, but he thinks that put a strain on our marriage. I just don't know what to do for the best. I'm torn between the two & we could have years of this

We moved so that we were close to my mother but she developed dementia. One day I was on my third visit of the day to her and her neighbour, who was gardening and had seen me, said 'your mother has been out looking for you because she hasn't seen you for ages'!
One evening, when I was sitting next to my husband with tears dropping off my chin, he said 'it's me or your mother'. That forced me into looking at care homes. One of mum's neighbours had previously told me to speak to her if my mother had to go into a home so I went to see her. It turned out she is a hairdresser in care homes and she told me the best one.

Sorry for the loss of your dad. How old is your mum? Does she drive/get around independently?

I'd say absolutely NO to her living with you, and certainly not staying with her for weeks at a time. A night here and there at most- and then cut back to a meal/shopping etc once her MH improves. Did the Dr say when things should start to improve?

Surely she could downsize and find something nearby? Does she have any hobbies or friends? Once her mental health improves, would she volunteer somewhere, join rotary, WI etc?

You said she isn't having counselling for a few weeks! Could she afford to pay privately for a few sessions? What about acupuncture or an alternative therapy to help relax her?

Are you on nextdoor.com? Find out what is available in your area for older people. My MIL volunteers at a luncheon club. People get a 2 course meal for £5 , sometimes there is entertainment and most people make new friends there. My own mother is a widow. She joined a group that do outings in a mini bus. It might be to a seaside town then lunch, a museum, famous place etc. Give your mum a list of local things that are on. Age UK or mental health charities might have ideas on your area too.

It sounds like your mum has some glimmer of awareness by not wanting to burden you and your sister, so its time to start easing back the dependance- not enforcing it even more. Best of luck op.

No. My mum rents a flat in an independent (sheltered) housing complex. The proceeds from selling her house plus pension comfortably pay the rent. As she did not move until she was 80 I didn't think it made sense to buy one.
She is happier there than she has been for years, has friends her own age and they muddle along together.
We agreed years ago that as I was the only one out of 3 that did anything practical, all of her money would be put aside to pay for the best care possible, even if it means it all gets spent. I am not sacrificing my one and only life to make sure my siblings get an inheritance!

No. I would have ended up in prison for murder. My brothers (4 of us) all felt the same. She was a difficult lady. We eventually found her live in carers. Cost a fortune, and they didn't stay long, because she was so mean. She was on a range of drugs for anxiety, depression, sleep etc etc. She was still mean 😂

My ex mil was very like this. Totally resisted going into a retirement place. Once she was in she loved it. Had her own self contained space and a communal space where she made friends and did activities.

What you're doing is not sustainable and it will put a strain on your marriage.

I agree with the posters suggesting a retirement living flat. My PILs moved into one last year and one of the great things is that there is a ready made social life whenever you want it, by going downstairs to the communal areas. I think it would be a godsend for your mum.

We don’t have the room so there’s no option here, and it’s a very old thatched cottage with difficult stairs and uneven floors in a rural area so not elderly friendly. Nothing you can walk to etc.

My mum lives quite far away now and isn’t elderly yet but I think she might end up moving nearer to us (to a town) into a warden assisted flat when the time comes. Her own mother is still alive though in her very late 90’s and lives several hours away and my mum only sees her fairly infrequently so there’s no expectation IYSWIM that we will take care of her, as my mum doesn’t care for hers.

I hate having overnight guests so I can’t imagine anything worse than family moving in if I’m honest. Same for DH but we are both very introverted.

Assisted living where she's in her own bungalow in a small community of similar minded people?
An annex on one of your houses with strict adherence to privacy?
She's young yet,perhaps encouraging her to join clubs ,do volunteer work or redecorate her home might give her a focus to build on.
To answer your question,yes I would but my mum was very independent and was always out and about.

As a teenager I remember my gran moving in with us for similar reasons and OMG I remember the tension it put my parents under! It was really stressful.

So on that basis, I would say YABU and it can absolutely break a marriage doing something like that!!

My parents survived but only because they managed to find somewhere very close for my gran to live (5 minute walk away).

Perhaps look at retirement villages rather than a nursing home. It means she can have independence living on her own with support if needed and lots of social stuff going on.

My gran moved into something similar eventually, first living on her own in a bungalow that had emergency pull cords if help was needed, then when she became more frail she moved into the residential bit. They had social stuff going on every day, so she always had something to look forward to!