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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be so personally invested in my workplace's PR

33 replies

coffeeloverrr85 · 29/03/2023 21:04

I just can't help the all consuming feelings about this work stuff

I work for a small independent charity, as head of fundraising. I have been head for three years, and I worked in a different charity in a non fundraising role for four years. Before this my job was 2/10 on the intensity scale. This job I would give a 10/10 on the intensity scale.

My problem is, that I take my fundraising personally. On occasions when my charity is not awarded funding, I can't help but take in personally. It keeps me up at night.

To give you an example- a year ago I was instrumental in acquiring significant funding for our charity, from a certain donor. It was a great coup. My bosses were happy. However, the PR event that was scheduled was cancelled due to COVID-19. It was cancelled by the donor. I suggest a virtual press conference of sorts, which they didn't seem excited about so I let it go. This was supposed to result in significant PR for us. I was very upset it didn't happen. I took it personally.

A couple of weeks later the donor awarded another charity a significant amount, and they held a virtual press conference (by virtual I mean people were on their zoom screens). It matter because they had some PR to then spread.

Anyways, this happened over a year ago and I still feel very very very upset about it. It feels personal. I don't know if it is my competitive nature or something else, but it still bothers me. I didn't get the press conference.

So recently I've had another issue that has triggered me. Bear in mind, I'm still not over the press conference that didn't happen. The same major donor recently was @mentioned in a tweet we tweeted as an acknowledgment for support and funding. They didn't acknowledge the tweet, as in they didn't 'like' or 'retweet' it. Which I managed to let it go.

Today, I saw another charity tweet the same time of acknowledgement to this donor, and the donor 'liked' the tweet.

My friends tell me this is crazy. | genuinely don't see it. Even after typing it out, it seems logically for me to be upset.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Yellowflowerr · 29/03/2023 21:18

This honestly sounds mental. I can’t imagine giving that much headspace to something that happened a year ago and then also for a liked tweet. Sorry OP I think you need to learn to detach yourself from situations like this otherwise you’ll exhaust yourself! X

Sparklesocks · 29/03/2023 21:27

It’s easy to get swept up in work and being conscientious and caring about your job is no bad thing, but you are too involved. I appreciate you can recognise that to some extent by posting this, but you do need more perspective. The reality is your job is what you do, it’s one aspect of your life, it’s not who you are. When donors don’t acknowledge company tweets that has no bearing on you personally - it’s your employer. Your employer is made up of people but it’s not a person.

You need to be able to switch off and separate your professional and personal life. The reality is if your employer had to - they would make you redundant, sack you, replace you etc. Everyone is replaceable, that is true across all industries and business. Especially in small charities where losing funding can mean restructuring. They would not give you the same loyalty and concern you are giving their PR. It may sound harsh but it’s true.

Original poster
coffeeloverrr85 · 29/03/2023 21:28

Yellowflowerr · 29/03/2023 21:18

This honestly sounds mental. I can’t imagine giving that much headspace to something that happened a year ago and then also for a liked tweet. Sorry OP I think you need to learn to detach yourself from situations like this otherwise you’ll exhaust yourself! X

Thank you for your reply.

Do you think I should be over it by now considering it happened a year ago, or should I have not been bothered in the first place?

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeeloverrr85 · 29/03/2023 21:34

Sparklesocks · 29/03/2023 21:27

It’s easy to get swept up in work and being conscientious and caring about your job is no bad thing, but you are too involved. I appreciate you can recognise that to some extent by posting this, but you do need more perspective. The reality is your job is what you do, it’s one aspect of your life, it’s not who you are. When donors don’t acknowledge company tweets that has no bearing on you personally - it’s your employer. Your employer is made up of people but it’s not a person.

You need to be able to switch off and separate your professional and personal life. The reality is if your employer had to - they would make you redundant, sack you, replace you etc. Everyone is replaceable, that is true across all industries and business. Especially in small charities where losing funding can mean restructuring. They would not give you the same loyalty and concern you are giving their PR. It may sound harsh but it’s true.

Thank you Sparklesocks

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeeloverrr85 · 29/03/2023 21:37

coffeeloverrr85 · 29/03/2023 21:34

Thank you Sparklesocks

Show quote history

Can I just ask you one question- sorry I am being pedantic.

"When donors don’t acknowledge company tweets that has no bearing on you personally - it’s your employer. Your employer is made up of people but it’s not a person". - do you think they intentionally ignored the tweet because they're dismissive of my charity?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 29/03/2023 21:41

OP, I sympathise (and no, it doesn't sound 'mental'!)

I too am excessively conscientious & care too much.

I think why it affected you is that you achieved something significant and the opportunity to capitalise on it was taken away from you. I imagine that loss of agency felt hard for you.

The other poster is right tho - you have to work on detaching and not seeing it as a reflection on you personally. You could try having a few key lines that you repeat to remind you of this.

KnesleyLope · 29/03/2023 21:42

OP did you write the tweet that they didn't interact with? Did you tag them hoping for some interaction/engagement?

moonlight1705 · 29/03/2023 21:44

I am also Head of Fundraising at a small charity. I cannot imagine getting so involved with the donors to get that upset - it is always good to get the money in but does it actually reflect on you personally?

What do you feel if you do not get trust funding or if a donor switches their interests?

JupiterFortified · 29/03/2023 21:45

I do think you’re massively overthinking OP. You need to find some strategies to disconnect from work a bit.

I know it’s a struggle as I too overthink and worry about work but as I get older I’ve learned to disconnect a bit more. There is more to life than work.

Sparklesocks · 29/03/2023 21:49

coffeeloverrr85 · 29/03/2023 21:37

Can I just ask you one question- sorry I am being pedantic.

"When donors don’t acknowledge company tweets that has no bearing on you personally - it’s your employer. Your employer is made up of people but it’s not a person". - do you think they intentionally ignored the tweet because they're dismissive of my charity?

Show quote history

It’s just not possible to know. Maybe yes they’re dismissive, or maybe they saw it and nodded but didn’t click like. Maybe they saw the notification pop up and thought they’d interact later but forgot. Maybe it got lost on their notifications page. I can’t tell you, nobody can. Obsessing about it will never bring you answers.

But ask yourself why does it matter to you so much? Why do you need to know? How does it impact your life? They haven’t ignored ‘you’, they’ve ignored your place of work. It’s not an attack on you personally. And besides, it’s just a tweet. It’s meaningless in the big scheme of things. Not everyone infers meaning from which tweets they like or don’t like. And if they have an issue with your employer then that’s not for you to worry about - their problem isn’t with you.

ItsBeginningToScabOverNow · 29/03/2023 21:50

I think you need to accept that you can’t control everything, and you can’t control other people.

Being upset because a tweet wasn’t liked is overkill. You created an expectation in your head, and now you’re upset that someone hasn’t met your arbitrary and imaginary demands.

Do you manage people? How do you cope when they don’t live up to your expectations?

Changingplace · 29/03/2023 21:51

You’re massively overthinking this.

Thousands of events got cancelled due to covid, I work in PR, we had no choice whatsoever as to whether to cancel.

Was the donor flagged separately asking them to engage with the tweet? A lot of accounts get tagged into all kinds of things every day, it’s really not a big deal either way tbh.

loononastick · 29/03/2023 21:55

I understand this. I care far too much about work and I am an absolute perfectionist.

I was a very quiet child who merged into the background and I was often overlooked/ignored. I now get very upset if I feel I have been ignored which seems to happen a fair bit. Is this you?

CharlotteDoyle · 29/03/2023 21:56

I don't know if this would help you but rather than dwelling on historical disappointments, could you redirect your energy towards new opportunities eg future PR activities, growth strategy, etc?

Gladiaterf · 29/03/2023 21:56

Could you have pissed off the donor in some way?

travailtotravel · 29/03/2023 22:02

Director of FR small charity here. Please, you really need to let this go. Being conscientious and caring is one thing. This is tipping over. Fundraising is hard, it's full of knockbacks and ' learning opportunities '. We need to be really resilient. Being able to rationalise knockbacks like this us part of that resilience. DM me if you want to chat about this offline. Otherwise maybe talk to your director in your 1-1.

35965a · 29/03/2023 22:04

You’re going to end up making yourself ill, it’s good to care but for it to keep you up at night is just not healthy at all.

Ginger153 · 29/03/2023 22:04

Hello,

Former head of fundraising tooand now charity leader here. The most important thing in this whole situation is that you secured a major gift from a donor who trusted you and your colleagues to change lives for the better. That's the reward and you should be proud of the achievement.

Tell the story of the impact that gift made and inspire other donors to do the same. Update your donor about the change their kindness has made possible.

Fundraising is a tough gig at times and worrying about individual tweets or press that does or doesn't happen will only add to your load. Try to take a deep breath and move on.

Keep the relationship alive in other ways, nurture your resilience (maybe with help from a mentor) and look forward. Good luck.

Bridgingthefeckingmassivegap · 29/03/2023 22:06

It sounds more likely that the other charity they acknowledged either has a better SM presence, or better PR for the person as the charity is more on trend etc. Often charity donations are a business decision rather than a truly selfless act, so try and think of it all less personally

Dontbelieveaword · 29/03/2023 22:11

This sounds more like you're pissed at one particular donor rather than an overall anxiety about the role.
I think the stress level has gone from 2 to 10 at least partly because you're stressing over things that don't necessarily matter in the grand scheme of things. Concentrate on and celebrate the wins and the positives and let the other stuff go or you'll be making it impossible to look to the future and what needs doing because you're always looking back at perceived slights

TomatoFrog · 29/03/2023 22:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BananaPalm · 29/03/2023 22:28

Another charity worker here. While I can understand why you're upset, particularly if you were thinking of approaching this donor again in the future, really try to let it go. Otherwise you'll get to the burnout point and will have to stop working. Or change sectors. I've seen it too often and it's always the most committed people who suffer like this. Third sector does make us extremely invested in our jobs as there is always a greater purpose to what we do, but we're no good to anyone if we're so stressed out that we can't let go of something relatively minor that happened a year ago... good luck OP!

Original poster
coffeeloverrr85 · 29/03/2023 22:56

KnesleyLope · 29/03/2023 21:42

OP did you write the tweet that they didn't interact with? Did you tag them hoping for some interaction/engagement?

I didn't write the tweet, our social media team did. I informed them that we'd be posting it. I share it with them prior to tweeting it, and i did tag them for some engagement

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeeloverrr85 · 29/03/2023 22:56

Gladiaterf · 29/03/2023 21:56

Could you have pissed off the donor in some way?

I don't think so, because they awarded the actual funding. And we expect more funding soon from them....

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeeloverrr85 · 29/03/2023 22:58

moonlight1705 · 29/03/2023 21:44

I am also Head of Fundraising at a small charity. I cannot imagine getting so involved with the donors to get that upset - it is always good to get the money in but does it actually reflect on you personally?

What do you feel if you do not get trust funding or if a donor switches their interests?

I feel deeply sadden and that I've lost my sense of purpose and relevance. I feel that they don't like me enough

OP posts: