Do I go to the head about this? So frustrated

[Isitcovidorsomethingelse]

I posted a while back about my Dd, 4 being made to eat at school. For context, we’re in another country, not the U.K.
My Dd has some stomach troubles and we have a fair few appointments with the local hospital. She’s been doing much better but can suffer stomach ache and painful gas and constipation. She’s a good eater, not fussy at all and eats a range of food. When she’s feeling not that great, she eats less and doesn’t feel hungry.
When we started Pre school, we told the school about this (meeting with the head and class teacher) We showed a letter stating Dds issues from the Dr and dd started part time, just mornings, so having no lunches.
As time has gone on, dd has become s lot better, she started having school lunches-3 courses-soup, main and fruit, she ate well when hungry and feeling well. A couple of times she started to come home in tears, saying that the teachers/staff were telling her to ‘Eat! Eat!’ all the time and she was crying saying she didn’t want any. I sent an email and spoke to the class teacher saying Dd had been upset and saying she didn’t want to come to school and told her that she doesn’t need to eat if she’s not hungry and emphasised again her tummy aches and feeling ill etc. The teacher told me she hadn’t been forced etc. They seemed to stop saying it, until one day it happened again and Dd came home really upset but said she didn’t want to say why. We sent *Another email, this time written by Dh saying that we’d already spoken about it twice and sent two emails, we also asked the Dr for a letter stating Dds troubles again and explaining that she shouldn’t eat if feels she can’t etc, we sent this to the school. The next time I saw the teacher, she said they don’t make the children eat, things were better for a while until today, the teacher said to me Dd didn’t eat anything (she says it in a way as though Dd has been naughty) I said yes she hasn’t at home as was a bit gassy.
Putting Dd to bed tonight, talking about her day, she starts crying and I get out of her that they were saying ‘Eat! Eat!’ to her and that she had to sit next to the teacher on the bench after lunch because she didn’t eat her lunch and that she *Always has to do that if she doesn’t eat her lunch (all the kids do apparently) I asked her if she played after, she said she was allowed but didn’t want to as she doesn’t feel well at the moment.
Aibu to be fuming about this?
What would you do/where do I go from here?

Sorry it’s so long!
I’ve been so reluctant to go to the head etc and hate conflict, I’m not a complaining type mum and am a teacher myself so I just wanted it sorted out nicely with the class teacher.
Is it me being uptight? Feel like our situation has been completely ignored and disrespected here

Is this a private school ? It's completely unacceptable. Why can they just leave her be if she does t want to eat ? I get that they do need to encourage the children to eat but she has tummy trouble and they should accept that

@shutthewindownow Not a private school, all the children are treated this way when not eating, which I don’t agree with at all. But with the added issues and letters sent to the teacher from the Dr stating it and emails from me and my husband, plus talks with her?!

If the teachers aren't listening, take it to the head. If the head doesn't listen, take it to the governors.

@shutthewindownow They said to me that they just *Encourage them to eat, I said that I always tell her to try to eat if she can. She’s a brilliant eater and generally loves to eat, not fussy at all, so when she doesn’t want to eat, I know that she’s not feeling good, I’ve said all this to her numerous times. I thought it had gigs in the last time after Dh’s email, then this today.
I had no idea they were made to sit on the bench with the teacher if they didn’t eat after lunch either

I know that you don’t want to be a difficult parent but actually in this instance I do think that your daughter needs you to be. The teacher doesn’t believe her when she’s saying she’s in pain and thinks she’s just being naughty - that’s not ok.

I think that you need to see the head, take the doctors letter and explain that dd isn’t being naughty when she’s not eating. Eating when her stomach is sore eating is actively making it worse.

I would also be very wary of the fact that dd didn’t want to tell you what was wrong. That sounds to me like there is a possibility that the teacher has told her not to tell you.

If you’re British and living abroad is there a cultural element here? A lot of countries have a (not entirely unreasonable) stereotype that brits don’t feed their children proper food. If so, if your husband is local, then I think it needs to be him having the conversation.

@escapingthecity I just don’t understand why she’s not listening, I’ve spoken to her and sent emails too, so it’s in writing, plus the letters emailed from the Dr.
I don’t want to go to the head or to be in this situation, I just want them to just not do it 😫
Do I request a meeting with the head with the teacher present or without?
I hate it all as don’t want to be in an awkward situation with the teacher and assistants, but jesus.

Poor little thing. I think you have to advocate for her so yes you need to see the Head. I hope they sort it out.

Hi Op
I would ask if your daughter could be referral by your family Doctor, to see a consultation
with a dietary nutrition food specialist,

or
Go privately if its quicker, about this dietary food specialist,

I think it be definately be beneficial for your daughter and yourself to keep a food chart of what sort of foods make her feel ill or trigger any other health issues,

Also find out with NHS or privately about food Allergies diagnosis Testing

I can't remember how much it cost to do this privately,
I know Jeff's Health food shop used to do this kind of thing,
It was a shop , very similar to Holland and Barrett Health food shop,

Your daughter sounds like she has a food allergy/Allergies of some sort, like for e.g milk tolerance or wheat intorence Gluten ect,

She could either just have a allergy to one particular food or it could be a few other foods too ,

Also this kind of sensitivity can go hand ✋️ being extremely sensitive having a rash, to Nickal jewellery for e.g , and other types of things too,

Also certain skin cream ointments can be allergic to,
Certain shampoo type and soaps ingredients too,
Certain types of Clothing that feel rough or Bit itchy can give rash,

@Namechange224422 A lot of it is cultural, not that they believe Brits don’t feed children proper food, but more just what seems to be an old fashioned attitude if eating all your food up…going back 30 odd years or whatever.
She said to me they want them to eat their food as they need to eat and might get hungry, I told her understand that. But I honestly don’t have the same viewpoint, my Dd will be fine skipping lunch, if she wants to eat, she’ll eat, I don’t worry about her eating at all, whereas they seem to place such emphasis on it. At one point they were trying to feed her the soup with the spoon. Aside from her stomach issues, the whole psychological aspect of it I don’t like. For kids to be shouted at to eat and then made to sit on a bench and they’re crying. Feeling so angry now and so angry at her blatant disregard and what feels like lack of respect for everything we’ve said.

@Goodread1 Thank you so much, we’ve been through so many channels, she’s under a fantastic specialist now (the one who issues the letters) and has been so much better with barely any problems. But sometimes she’ll be feeling off or too full of she’s not pooed for a couple of days or has gas and she won’t want to eat/feel like eating, it’s in these circumstances they’re trying to make her eat and she’s crying and then they’re punishing her for not eating!

Even with her issues aside, should they be doing this to any of the kids? Do kids have to sit on a bench at 4 years old for not feeling hungry/eating their lunch

I hadn't clocked that you're not in the Uk, so I don't know if the structure or governance is the same. But definitely definitely go to the head. Your duty is to protect your daughter and the school is failing in its duty of care to her. I suggest you write an email along the lines of "as the school well knows, DD has a medical condition which makes eating challenging. She is under the care of [hospital/doctor] and their advice is very clear that [details]. When she started at [school] I ensured that all of this was communicated to [name]. However, it has become clear that [teacher] is not respecting this and has been putting repeated pressure on DD to eat when she feels unwell. DD tells me that [details]. I have asked, repeatedly, for the medical advice to be followed - see the attached emails. It is causing DD significant distress and I am worried about the impact on her attitude to school. Please can I ask for your support to ensure that all the staff are aware of DD's medical condition and that all of them follow the clear advice from the doctors. I would like a meeting to discuss how to ensure this happens in the next couple of weeks. I am available at [time]."

I have just felt crappy going to the head, over the teacher, but what else can I now do?
Do I include the teacher in the meeting or just go request a meeting with the head?

Hi Op
It may be better for daughter to have sometimes or / more often, ready packed lunch meals to bring to school too,
to vary what eats in the school week.
depending on what she feels,

Having read your update I do think that you need to take this to the head, I think that you need a clear exception for your daughter rather than a change to what they’re doing (although for what it’s worth I agree with you!)

I think that you need to explain quite forcefully that you prefer your child to be hungry than in pain. And that forcing her to eat when her stomach is sore is very painful for her all afternoon.

I suspect that where there’s a cultural difference around food they are seeing persuasion and your daughter is seeing force. So you need to ask for the school’s written agreement that they won’t persuade her if she says her stomach hurts. And then you need to explain to your daughter to say “my stomach hurts’ and not “I don’t want to eat”

Otherwise is there any way that you can have her home for lunch and then back to school in the afternoon?

@Goodread1 They only have school
dinners, I asked if I could pack a small sandwich and fruit in her bag if she doesn’t want her lunch but gets hungry in the afternoon, she said that wasn’t really allowed.

I would just go to the head and then leave it for her to discuss with the teacher if I was you.

@Namechange224422 The teacher suggested I could pick her up then take her home, but she’s only part time as it is and I work during the hours she’s at school. Plus, she generally enjoys the lunches and eats well and I wanted her to be part of the lunch experience etc, I don’t understand why they can’t just leave her be the few times she can’t eat. Plus the way the teacher comes to me as if telling me/Dd off like ‘She didn’t eat today!’ Like she’s done something naughty. I know that it’s the opposite for a lot of parents there (cultural perhaps) and they also want them to eat as we pay for lunches etc, that’s great, fine for them, I’ve expressed that I don’t mind at all if she doesn’t eat, I don’t see it as her being naughty, just not hungry! 😫

@escapingthecity Thank you, I’ve written very similar but to the class teacher, not head. Do you think I should send that to the head ahead of the requested meeting though or just ask for a meeting with the head and express it all then?

It must be really frustrating. Good luck with raising it with the head - I hope it goes ok.

@Namechange224422 But even leaving the force/persuasion point aside, making her sit on a bench if she doesn’t eat is making it very clear she’s being punished. I didn’t know this part until today and now I’m just feeling really angry, wondering why Dd hasn’t said this before either

Go to the Head - this is damaging on a number of levels. Request a meeting with the Head alone, easier if you find confrontation hard.

If they still do not follow your instructions - I'd move schools maybe an international one if possible, if there is a strong cultural aspect to this.

You have followed the normal route - spoke to teacher and supplied Dr's information, so no need to feel crap. And if they do take offense, then definitely not a school I would be sending my little one to.

Hi Op
You Need to request a meeting with the Head teacher aswell as that Teacher too,

Make sure you send a email request aswell as a tel call to your daughter school,

So it's Crystal clear as day compared to night 🌙,
Clarity on your daughters food health intolerance issues,
How important it really is to adhere listen to you as a caring concerned good mother,

I am really Suprised that the school your daughter going to, are such lackisy daisy on this issue,

The schools attitude is shocking,

i thought Awareness of food Allergies in society in general had now had improved a lot, since years ago,

The school needs to take your daughters food Allergies a lot more seriously than they are currently doing,

It's just not Acceptable at All,
school Teacher, attitude wishy-Washy attitude on this serious matter,

Is this in Spain by any chance? I've worked in schools there that have this attitude to kids eating and it really pisses me off!

It's obviously even worse for your daughter though.