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Original poster

Is this gaslighting ?

31 replies

Dunstall · 29/03/2023 17:59

While living at home - I was 17 - my mum came into my bedroom absolutely hammered drunk, told me off for having a messy bedroom, started hitting me then called my dad when I put my hands out to restrain her. This all happened on my bedroom. My dad took one look at it all - I was sober btw - and decided I must leave too - he told me to move out - some days later when we'd 'reconciled' my mum said that she'd been frightened of me at the time . "But I'm not now". Because I was naive and 17 I felt a sense of shame. Is this gaslighting ?

OP posts:
verabarbleen · 29/03/2023 18:14

Yes I think so! Sounds like maybe she didn't want to admit she was in the wrong and shifted the blame to you .

Original poster
Dunstall · 29/03/2023 18:15

verabarbleen · 29/03/2023 18:14

Yes I think so! Sounds like maybe she didn't want to admit she was in the wrong and shifted the blame to you .

Thank you - this is what I think !

OP posts:
Original poster
Dunstall · 29/03/2023 18:16

verabarbleen · 29/03/2023 18:14

Yes I think so! Sounds like maybe she didn't want to admit she was in the wrong and shifted the blame to you .

She even said - "you can buy me a bunch of flowers ' 😮

OP posts:
lazycats · 29/03/2023 18:17

What does she say when you tell her she had a drinking problem?

Original poster
Dunstall · 29/03/2023 18:18

lazycats · 29/03/2023 18:17

What does she say when you tell her she had a drinking problem?

She says "I don't like what you said" in a very stern voice

OP posts:
Valid8me · 29/03/2023 18:27

That's not gaslighting.

FictionalCharacter · 29/03/2023 18:32

No, gaslighting is something different. But she lied and manipulated your dad. She pretended you were threatening her, your father believed her. She was trying to blame you for what was happening I.e. her attacking you. Terrible parenting by the two of them.

Original poster
Dunstall · 29/03/2023 18:34

FictionalCharacter · 29/03/2023 18:32

No, gaslighting is something different. But she lied and manipulated your dad. She pretended you were threatening her, your father believed her. She was trying to blame you for what was happening I.e. her attacking you. Terrible parenting by the two of them.

Thank you and yes j agree

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 29/03/2023 18:39

Are they still alive and are you in contact with them? Hopefully they don’t try to tell you this never happened, your mum didn’t drink and never attacked you, your dad never threw you out, your family life was perfectly lovely when you lived with them and you’re delusional if you think otherwise? Because that would be gaslighting - inventing an alternative reality and insisting you’re delusional or mentally ill if you don’t believe them.

Original poster
Dunstall · 29/03/2023 19:10

FictionalCharacter · 29/03/2023 18:39

Are they still alive and are you in contact with them? Hopefully they don’t try to tell you this never happened, your mum didn’t drink and never attacked you, your dad never threw you out, your family life was perfectly lovely when you lived with them and you’re delusional if you think otherwise? Because that would be gaslighting - inventing an alternative reality and insisting you’re delusional or mentally ill if you don’t believe them.

When I bring this up directly with my mum she either "doesn't want to talk about that day" .. or - once - I got the response

"You NEEDED to be hit .. you NEEDED to be thrown out ..."

OP posts:
Changingplace · 29/03/2023 19:12

I don’t think this is gaslighting but it’s a horrible way to have treated you, from both of them, and you deserve better.

billy1966 · 29/03/2023 19:13

Awful behaviour on both their part.

That must have been very confusing and frightening.

How old are you now?

SallyWD · 29/03/2023 19:15

Maybe your mum was so drunk she doesn't actually remember what happened but felt it was all your fault? I'm not excusing her by the way. She behaved appallingly! I'd find it hard to ever forgive her. However, if she was extremely drunk, she might not be deliberately lying but it could all be a blur in her mind - she remembers you holding on to her and feeling scared or something.

Ktime · 29/03/2023 19:16

Dunstall · 29/03/2023 18:18

She says "I don't like what you said" in a very stern voice

Show quote history

I would be cutting them both out, but I know that can be easier said than done.

Do they bring anything to your life?

Original poster
Dunstall · 29/03/2023 19:20

@Ktime - thanks for your suppprt - I appreciate it. I'm LC at moment - looking to go NC

OP posts:
Original poster
Dunstall · 29/03/2023 19:21

billy1966 · 29/03/2023 19:13

Awful behaviour on both their part.

That must have been very confusing and frightening.

How old are you now?

Thank you for your support - I'm 32 now

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 29/03/2023 19:22

Classic gaslighting to my mind.

The Narcissist's PrayerThat didn't happen.And if it did, it wasn't that bad.And if it was, that's not a big deal.And if it is, that's not my fault.And if it was, I didn't mean it.And if I did, you deserved it.

Original poster
Dunstall · 29/03/2023 19:28

SummerHouse · 29/03/2023 19:22

Classic gaslighting to my mind.

The Narcissist's PrayerThat didn't happen.And if it did, it wasn't that bad.And if it was, that's not a big deal.And if it is, that's not my fault.And if it was, I didn't mean it.And if I did, you deserved it.

Haha thanks - so true !!

OP posts:
IsThePopeCatholic · 29/03/2023 19:29

It is definitely abuse. How awful of her.

Original poster
Dunstall · 29/03/2023 19:36

IsThePopeCatholic · 29/03/2023 19:29

It is definitely abuse. How awful of her.

Thank you. I appreciate your support - I didn't have any support at the time ❤️

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 29/03/2023 19:41

Dunstall · 29/03/2023 19:10

When I bring this up directly with my mum she either "doesn't want to talk about that day" .. or - once - I got the response

"You NEEDED to be hit .. you NEEDED to be thrown out ..."

Show quote history

Horrible. If she isn’t claiming it didn’t happen it isn’t gaslighting, but you were treated very badly. LC working on NC sounds like the right course of action.

Have you had counselling? I did, because of a family situation not the same as yours but abusive in other ways. It did help, in many ways. One thing that helped was that for the first time, I heard someone say that my parents’ behaviour was NOT OK. Nobody had ever said that to me before. Coming from a counsellor that meant a lot to me.

Climbles · 29/03/2023 19:46

Gaslighting as a term used to mean when someone deliberately did that nhs to make you feel like you’d gone crazy. But the way I’m which it’s used now is more like making you doubt your own version of events.

Climbles · 29/03/2023 19:46

So many typos sorry

Original poster
Dunstall · 29/03/2023 19:46

@FictionalCharacter** - thank you - yes hearing someone else sayyour parents were abusive means a lot Flowers

OP posts:
itsakindoftragiccc · 29/03/2023 20:05

Are you the same poster who keeps starting threads about what your drunk Mum did when you were a teenager?

If so, I think you've had plenty of validation that none of it was ok from MNers.