DH ignoring son aibu for pushing DH to step up more

[Bagpuss2022]

Our son is 21 and in his third year of uni lives away but is local enough to pop back once a month or so for visit pick up mail etc. DH really doesn’t show much interest or interact with DS1 I just put it down to personality differences they are like chalk and cheese.
What has just really made me think is DS1 just popped in for a flying visit and DH was working at his desk in the dining room he never even came in to say hi ask how things are how his travel plans for Easter break is etc.
my DD came running down and even missed her beloved riding lesson to spend time with him it really made me think and I have just had a huge row saying he’s going to have the same relationship that he was with his dad (sees him once a year at Christmas) with our DS. He’s off to do his masters next year other side of the country so these visits won’t be as often or breaks my heart that they just don’t have any kind of a relationship.
as not to drip feed DS1 has two very serious life limiting conditions I soak up every second. Doesn’t help that ds2 18 has a brilliant relationship with DH season ticket holders go to the pub for a pint go camping etc
I feel torn I know I shouldn’t have had a go At DH but it breaks my heart

It's favouritism and it's not fair. It's not just a case of 'different personalities'. Your husband was really rude to essentially ignore him. It's time your husband stopped being so selfish and started at least attempting to be a good dad to him.

I would leave him. It's favouritism and it's not fair.
He'll be lucky if he even wants to visit him once a year.

Leave him seriously after 23 years of marriage this is one facet of our family dynamics. I’m angry and made my point known it’s up to him now if he wants to make the effort, am I pissed odd yes but we have three well rounded DC one still young .

Leave him seriously after 23 years of marriage this is one facet of our family dynamics.

It's a very SERIOUS facet, surely?

What’s he like with your DD? Has your son ever raised it? I don’t think you’re wrong raising it with your husband what did he say.

You absolutely should have had a go at him. How heartbreaking for your older ds.

Do you think your dh is deliberately withdrawing because of the life limiting condition - to protect himself?

Erm, your son has TWO life limiting conditions and your husband didn't even step out of the dining room to say a quick hello. I dont know how you can even look at him. You have stayed with him over the years while he treats him like this? I couldn't love a man who would treat my child like this.

Awful behaviour by your dh.

What does he say when accuse him of favouritism? If you haven’t already then say it to him out loud. Give the problem its deserved name.

You are part of the problem, this can not be a new revelation, 21 years without seriously addressing such a vile shortcoming is really shitty parenting.
Your poor son.

You've let him abuse your child all his life?

Can you imagine how it makes your son feel? Do you even acknowledge it with your son or leave him to figure out himself?

My love for my dh would die in the face of this. Your poor ds op. I Would give him hell

Not leaving his desk, not even coming to say hello is poor.
What does Dh say about it all when you talk to him about it all? When you say to him that you recognise he has a different relationship with ds2, (which is ok you know), to like the same football team etc, but you were hurt when ds1 came home and he never acknowledged him. Tell him that's not ok. You expect him to be civil. And to at least try to make a father son relationship happen.

This.

You are only realising this NOW.???

Very hard to believe.

Your poor boy.

I am 30 years married and neither my husband nor myself, nor my children for that matter, would tolerate such behaviour.

He couldn't be arsed to pop in for 5 mins to say hello to his visiting son?

A row would be the least of it.

Utterly shameful.

A word of caution to you, god forbid that anything happens to your son, you will not forgive him, nor yourself for allowing this treatment of him.

Of course your boy must notice his father's ambivalence.

Poor boy.

I have son's that age, this is actually very sad to read.

And yes, I would be looking at my marriage if I found I was living with someone who was so uncaring of one of my beyond precious children.

this relationship difference has only been since he’s been at uni before he was 18 they all had a season ticket. I think he’s finding it hard him growing up and he’s changed his whole persona since going to uni.
for the questions he’s brilliant with DD very close but she’s the baby after a loss of a DD,
I Dont excuse it I find it abhorrent and we had the huge row and not speaking now we will later when I calm down,
DH has taken the most recent diagnosis 1year hard.

Good for you calling him out. Don't capitulate. Tell him it's his job to change not yours to forgive.

How rude is he? Does he only like his kids if they watch football? What a shame…

Imagine how hard your son has taken his recent diagnosis. Imagine not being supported by your father. Imagine your father not even coming to say hello when you visit a year after an awful diagnosis. What are your other two children learning from that? Its just abit messed up isn't it?

Well, yes. I would not for one second tolerate such poor treatment of my child by anyone, let alone my DH!

Have you discussed your DH’s behaviour with your son or has he been left to navigate this on his own on top of two life limiting illnesses?

Ignore them. The ones who respond instantly telling you to leave him are either spinsters or trapped in bitter loveless relationships xx

Well done for giving him an earful.

Whatever the reasoning, no matter how painful, he needs to put those emotions aside and think beyond his own emotions.

He is the parent and the adult in this situation.

This will wound your son, despite you fussing over him.

His son has every right to reinvent himself as he matures, if that is what he wishes.

Don't allow him to undermine your outrage at his behaviour.

It's not good enough.

Your son deserves better, particularly as he has so much to deal with as it is.

Not quite @FannyPhart

We're often the ones who've been in long relationships before and are out the other side and have seen the light.

I text my son every day he doesn’t always reply but he’s living a life like he should while he can and achieving looking at a first, of course I have spoken to DS he just says that’s just dad,,
I will be having another calmer conversation with DH I already know he’s mulling on the argument I can’t dictate how a relationship should be but I can say you need to try he will be the only one regretting it.

I know I shouldn't have had a go at DH

Really?! You don't think you should call him out on his shit attitude towards his child? You were absolutely right to, don't doubt yourself.