DH ignoring son aibu for pushing DH to step up more

[Bagpuss2022]

Our son is 21 and in his third year of uni lives away but is local enough to pop back once a month or so for visit pick up mail etc. DH really doesn’t show much interest or interact with DS1 I just put it down to personality differences they are like chalk and cheese.
What has just really made me think is DS1 just popped in for a flying visit and DH was working at his desk in the dining room he never even came in to say hi ask how things are how his travel plans for Easter break is etc.
my DD came running down and even missed her beloved riding lesson to spend time with him it really made me think and I have just had a huge row saying he’s going to have the same relationship that he was with his dad (sees him once a year at Christmas) with our DS. He’s off to do his masters next year other side of the country so these visits won’t be as often or breaks my heart that they just don’t have any kind of a relationship.
as not to drip feed DS1 has two very serious life limiting conditions I soak up every second. Doesn’t help that ds2 18 has a brilliant relationship with DH season ticket holders go to the pub for a pint go camping etc
I feel torn I know I shouldn’t have had a go At DH but it breaks my heart

I didn’t quite say LTB but it would certainly be on the cards for me if my DH did not acknowledge that his behaviour was hurting my child who was already dealing with the unfairness of life. 37 and happily married.

Nobody in a healthy, happy relationship with an amazing man/woman would read the op and put what you have. It's not normal behaviour from a father. But you haven't commented on that, you have rushed to insult women who are pointing out how shit it is, women who are pointing out how fucked up her DH is. Why is that?

Of course you should have had a go at him. He is awful. However bloody hard he's found the diagnosis I bet it is a lot harder for your bloody son. Yes I would reconsider my relationship over this. I would be repulsed

of course I have spoken to DS he just says that’s just dad,,

The low expectations that your son has of his dad are heartbreaking.

I couldn’t be with a man who treated my child like this. Absolutely no way.

Wait, so they

Had a good relationship prior to your son going away to university.
Your son has completed changed his persona since leaving.
He has been a good father to all of them.
Your son was recently given a “diagnosis 1 year.” What does that mean? One year to live??

That is a hell of a drip feed and if you’d included that in your OP you would be getting more relevant answers.

It sounds like your husband is struggling and the two of you fighting about it isn’t productive. He probably needs to talk to a therapist to help him cope. Withdrawing to try to protect himself isn’t the answer and he will regret it later.

<puts on Freud hat> If DH and DS were close until DS turned 18 and went for uni, then a certain amount of distance can be normal, as DS seeks to find his own way in the world and rejects the model set by his dad. Forcing them to bond may achieve the opposite result.

Your perception of this situation and your relationship is quite worrying. I would recommend counselling or therapy for you. Your husband is awful and I think that for 23 years he has subtly manipulated you, and you are now seeing the reality as your children start to leave the situation.

You think only "spinsters" and those trapped in "loveless marriages" would object to a parent checking out completely on a relationship with the child they CHOOSE to have?

You obviously have a poor opinion of happily married women.

I think you could be onto something here. Especially as the OP said they previously lost a daughter.

Sounds like you've all been through a lot. It's no excuse and I'd be gutted if my Dad didn't come and talk to me while I was back from uni but maybe he is withdrawing himself because of the diagnosis?

@Bagpuss2022 i must admit I found it hard when my daughter first went to Uni, she doesn’t have a life limiting condition but she does have a illness which has to be controlled by meds or she collapses and if not controlled can cause heart problems.

Id run on adrenaline and when she went to Uni I felt redundant and worried sick, still am actually daily and I did have to go away for a few days on my own to give me head a wobble, Id essentially shut down, but I trust her and know she is flying and doing her own thing but the illness is an extra element which makes it difficult.

Not excusing it but could he be struggling especially as you have lost one child also and until he left for Uni there was no issues.

I hope you’re ok must be hard being the one aware and in the middle.

Spinsters???!'

Christ jane Austen calling line 1