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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a good arrangement - nanny

47 replies

nanneo · 29/03/2023 16:25

I'm currently running myself ragged with a baby and 3 year old and a partner who's not around much.

He is gone by the time the kids wake up and is home after they go to sleep- 6 days a week, sometimes even 2 weeks at a time when he works away.

So pretty much we get one day with him a week if we are lucky...

Anyway, I'm due to return to work ( full time ) soon and will have a nanny. She will start just before 9 and finish at 5. My older one will go to nursery 4 days a week.

Nursery ends at 3 pm every day and depending on my work schedule, sometimes I'll pick her up- if I can't, the nanny will pick her up.

I work from home most of the time.

So it means I am still doing all drop offs and probably most pick ups ( but without baby, which is a luxury ).

Nanny then leaves at 5. I'm worried it's still going to be a lot for me. Please don't judge, I'm really doing my best. Or does it sound manageable ?

I'm really crumbling right now and I don't have work to worry about yet. Ideally she would maybe start at 8 or she would finish at 6. Well the absolute ideal scenario would be 8-6, but it makes it a lot more expensive and I am really trying to keep costs down.

OP posts:
PandaOrLion · 29/03/2023 16:33

It sounds manageable BUT it can be hard for nanny and children if you’re working from home - children of that age can struggle to settle with a nanny and you may want to step in or be involved.

NannyR · 29/03/2023 16:34

What about cutting the nursery days down to three days a week and using the money saved to pay for some extra hours with the nanny. 8-6 is fairly normal nanny hours and a combination of nursery and playing at home with a nanny will be good for the children.

Original poster
nanneo · 29/03/2023 16:35

PandaOrLion · 29/03/2023 16:33

It sounds manageable BUT it can be hard for nanny and children if you’re working from home - children of that age can struggle to settle with a nanny and you may want to step in or be involved.

I know it's also hard for the mother.. not just for the nanny. I had a nanny before for my older one and it was hard. My house was also small. Now I have a bigger house with an office space. I think the baby will be fine, but the older one will look for me etc.

I can also spend some time away from home and I'm sure that I will. I can go to the office or to my gym, they have a huge work space there.

OP posts:
Original poster
nanneo · 29/03/2023 16:37

NannyR · 29/03/2023 16:34

What about cutting the nursery days down to three days a week and using the money saved to pay for some extra hours with the nanny. 8-6 is fairly normal nanny hours and a combination of nursery and playing at home with a nanny will be good for the children.

And this is why I asked on here. I hadn't really thought about this option.

I wonder what's better for my 3 year olds development.. being in nursery or at home with nanny and baby...

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 29/03/2023 16:39

Or could the baby also go to nursery (I don't know how old baby is?) and then you get a childminder for 3pm-5pm? Or switch to a nursery that opens later.

GailTheFish · 29/03/2023 16:40

It sounds manageable although I would maybe work on the basis that the nanny does all of the nursery pick ups to take that pressure off you. Have you looked into a nanny with their own child at all, or a nanny share? This can be cheaper.

Original poster
nanneo · 29/03/2023 16:41

takealettermsjones · 29/03/2023 16:39

Or could the baby also go to nursery (I don't know how old baby is?) and then you get a childminder for 3pm-5pm? Or switch to a nursery that opens later.

I think that would be a lot of work for me. I would have to drop them at two nurseries etc, as the baby can't go to the older one's nursery until they're older. They don't take kids that are under 3.

OP posts:
Stickmansmum · 29/03/2023 16:43

Why are you doing the pick ups/drop offs still? I would think you need to get the nanny to do all drop offs and pick ups, its one of the real benefits of a nanny! Disturbing your work at 3pm, even if not busy, is actually a horrible feeling and then you have your little one saying ....dont go back to work mummy so you end up trapped a bit. Its very stressful. Id reduce or remove the nursery hours for your other child, you have a nanny there anyway so might as well have her mind both, and then get her to come at 8.30 and stay to 5.30. Have the kids fed before she leaves. Make it as easy as possible on yourself and you will all benefit from reduced stress and more nice time to spend with them when nanny leaves.

Original poster
nanneo · 29/03/2023 16:44

GailTheFish · 29/03/2023 16:40

It sounds manageable although I would maybe work on the basis that the nanny does all of the nursery pick ups to take that pressure off you. Have you looked into a nanny with their own child at all, or a nanny share? This can be cheaper.

I'm kind of set on my nanny and I had a nanny with child before and it was barely cheaper and she just couldn't manage it at all. Not a great experience! The child was small too, so it was a lot and a lot of screaming in my house.

OP posts:
Original poster
nanneo · 29/03/2023 16:45

Stickmansmum · 29/03/2023 16:43

Why are you doing the pick ups/drop offs still? I would think you need to get the nanny to do all drop offs and pick ups, its one of the real benefits of a nanny! Disturbing your work at 3pm, even if not busy, is actually a horrible feeling and then you have your little one saying ....dont go back to work mummy so you end up trapped a bit. Its very stressful. Id reduce or remove the nursery hours for your other child, you have a nanny there anyway so might as well have her mind both, and then get her to come at 8.30 and stay to 5.30. Have the kids fed before she leaves. Make it as easy as possible on yourself and you will all benefit from reduced stress and more nice time to spend with them when nanny leaves.

You make valid points. My older one needs to be at nursery by 8:30, which is a bit early, but I am sure I can work something out with the nanny.

OP posts:
NannyR · 29/03/2023 16:46

nanneo · 29/03/2023 16:37

And this is why I asked on here. I hadn't really thought about this option.

I wonder what's better for my 3 year olds development.. being in nursery or at home with nanny and baby...

Show quote history

I think a mixture of the two is the best option if you can make it work - the three year old I'm looking after at the moment does three days at nursery and two with me - he gets the benefits of nursery and some time to do outings, activities like baking, unstructured play etc.

Original poster
nanneo · 29/03/2023 16:47

@NannyR do you think it's possible for the nanny to do stuff like that with my three year old ? Whilst also looking after a one year old ? That's my worry.

OP posts:
CremeEggsForBreakfast · 29/03/2023 16:50

If you're planning to work from home then you'll need to be upfront about that with the nanny and create some really clear boundaries. Most nannies don't enjoy parents working from home but a few of us do and I've worked alongside parents in all of my jobs with great success.

For example, the current rule we have which works well is "If Mummy's door is open we can go and say hi. If it's shut, she is on a call and/or doesn't want visitors". If Mum or Dad pops down for anything it's up to them whether they can stick around and play or whether they need to run back up again. If they choose to leave they say goodbye and mean it and I will comfort any sad child.

There is no real "better for development" scenario for a 3yr old. Nursery has been shown to have some benefits for 3yr olds from low socio-economic backgrounds but it's not especially better or worse for more advantaged children who receive high-quality time with peers and adults outside of a childcare setting.

Personally, I'd say that if you have a baby as well it would be great for the 3yr old to have some quality play time with friends at nursery while the baby has quality one-to-one time with the nanny and for both children to have time together at home/days out with the nanny as well. I think the fewer days at nursery but longer nanny hours is a great plan. Those hours, if paid well, would be very appealing to a nanny too, I imagine.

NannyR · 29/03/2023 16:51

nanneo · 29/03/2023 16:47

@NannyR do you think it's possible for the nanny to do stuff like that with my three year old ? Whilst also looking after a one year old ? That's my worry.

Absolutely, that's our job!!

Stickmansmum · 29/03/2023 16:56

nanneo · 29/03/2023 16:47

@NannyR do you think it's possible for the nanny to do stuff like that with my three year old ? Whilst also looking after a one year old ? That's my worry.

It’s totally normal for an invested adult to cover the needs of a 3yr old and baby simultaneously. I had a 5, 4, 3 and 1 yr old and both me and my nanny managed it very well as needed. Play groups, chilling at home, walks, cuddles, sometimes a demand that they get on with playing themselves (I see as a good thing) while baby gets attention. It’s all normal. Kids of that age don’t need nursery, though there’s nothing wrong with nursery! They just need minded and interacted with.

Original poster
nanneo · 29/03/2023 16:57

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 29/03/2023 16:50

If you're planning to work from home then you'll need to be upfront about that with the nanny and create some really clear boundaries. Most nannies don't enjoy parents working from home but a few of us do and I've worked alongside parents in all of my jobs with great success.

For example, the current rule we have which works well is "If Mummy's door is open we can go and say hi. If it's shut, she is on a call and/or doesn't want visitors". If Mum or Dad pops down for anything it's up to them whether they can stick around and play or whether they need to run back up again. If they choose to leave they say goodbye and mean it and I will comfort any sad child.

There is no real "better for development" scenario for a 3yr old. Nursery has been shown to have some benefits for 3yr olds from low socio-economic backgrounds but it's not especially better or worse for more advantaged children who receive high-quality time with peers and adults outside of a childcare setting.

Personally, I'd say that if you have a baby as well it would be great for the 3yr old to have some quality play time with friends at nursery while the baby has quality one-to-one time with the nanny and for both children to have time together at home/days out with the nanny as well. I think the fewer days at nursery but longer nanny hours is a great plan. Those hours, if paid well, would be very appealing to a nanny too, I imagine.

She knows I'll be working from home a fair bit. We were going to see how it all goes.

But I think you're all correct and it might be a good option, to cut down nursery. I will also need to check if that's ok with nanny because it wasn't what we originally agreed. Let's see what she says. Perhaps from September. Next term is too soon to change.

OP posts:
CindersAgain · 29/03/2023 16:58

Are you paying for a nanny and nursery at the same time? If you didn’t do that could you drop any time at work, say move to a four day week, but have the nanny slightly longer.

Original poster
nanneo · 29/03/2023 17:00

CindersAgain · 29/03/2023 16:58

Are you paying for a nanny and nursery at the same time? If you didn’t do that could you drop any time at work, say move to a four day week, but have the nanny slightly longer.

My job just doesn't work part time.. it wouldn't be worth it.

Yes we will be paying for a nanny and nursery for 4 days. But if nanny is OK with it, I will drop nursery to 3 days and have her an extra hour a day instead or something like that. ( on the days my oldest goes to nursery she could start at 8 and take her there ).

OP posts:
AlexaFeedMyKids · 29/03/2023 17:02

Why dont you meet in the middle and ask for a 9-6pm, that extra hour straight after work could be so beneficial for getting some things ready with help etc. And then the older they get you could look at dropping that hour.

Divorcedalongtime · 29/03/2023 17:03

I had a part time nanny, 3 days a week when mine were smaller and I wouldn’t swap it for anything.
have you actually employed one though as good nannies are like gold dust.

also she might be ok with preparing the evening meal for you? I know that was something that made all the difference to me.

Original poster
nanneo · 29/03/2023 17:06

Divorcedalongtime · 29/03/2023 17:03

I had a part time nanny, 3 days a week when mine were smaller and I wouldn’t swap it for anything.
have you actually employed one though as good nannies are like gold dust.

also she might be ok with preparing the evening meal for you? I know that was something that made all the difference to me.

I already know her. She's lovely and knows my children quite well already. I think she would be happy to make an extra big lunch that might last them for dinner as well.

OP posts:
alpacamaraca · 29/03/2023 17:07

Have you considered a child minder? Our local ones take the children to various playgroups etc and drop / pick up school children with younger siblings in tow.

You would need to drop them off I assume but that could be to suit you.

Original poster
nanneo · 29/03/2023 17:10

alpacamaraca · 29/03/2023 17:07

Have you considered a child minder? Our local ones take the children to various playgroups etc and drop / pick up school children with younger siblings in tow.

You would need to drop them off I assume but that could be to suit you.

I've visited a few and I didn't really like it that much.

The ones I met had horrible, small, cluttered houses.. they had their own kids, so my kid would be carted around to various drop offs and pick ups to suit their kids swimming lessons and whatever else. I didn't like it to be honest.

Maybe there are other types of child minders. But I want my kids to be in a nice / clean space all day, rather than a small cluttered mess.

OP posts:
jannier · 29/03/2023 17:15

nanneo · 29/03/2023 16:47

@NannyR do you think it's possible for the nanny to do stuff like that with my three year old ? Whilst also looking after a one year old ? That's my worry.

I'm a childminder I have an under 1 a 2 year old and a 3 year old plus 3 school children....we do baking, crafts, messy play, libraries, forest outings and more a professional should have no issue caring for and providing stimulating developmentally appropriate activities for both children

Divorcedalongtime · 29/03/2023 17:16

nanneo · 29/03/2023 17:06

I already know her. She's lovely and knows my children quite well already. I think she would be happy to make an extra big lunch that might last them for dinner as well.

Show quote history

Then you are so lucky. I hope it goes well.