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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dread time with my DC

46 replies

Showmethedoor · 29/03/2023 10:30

sorry, I’ve posted in AIBU for traffic.
I have 2 DC with my ex. We have them 50/50 of the time. I dread my days with them. They fight, argue and make home life unbearable. I try and plan nice things for them and their behaviour in the run up to them just makes me resent doing that. It’s the Easter holidays coming up and I honestly just don’t want to go through that. It causes me so much anxiety. I just want to hide. I’m due to collect them from school today and have them for 2 days. I just want to call their dad and beg him to have them. I have a baby too, and they cause the baby upset with their constant shouting and screaming. My home is a mess because they just don’t clean up after themselves. They’re 9 and 11.
I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t

OP posts:

Murdoch1949 · 30/03/2023 07:45

You need to talk to your ex about this. How are they with him? Are the children difficult with you because they are disciplined differently at their dad's? Could you work together to get them to alter their behaviour at yours? Regarding them leaving a mess, you need to give them clear instructions about tidying up, taking their belongings to their room etc. Have you got a partner to discuss this with, if so what are their views on the children's behaviour? How would your ex feel about having them all the time, or the vast majority of the time? Don't do anything drastic.

TheInterceptor · 30/03/2023 07:54

Could you separate them? One with you and one at their Dad's until they learn to behave better? Maybe they just don't get on and hate spending time together, especially with a Mum who's busy with a new baby. Poor children - they sound very unwanted and unhappy.

CalistoNoSolo · 30/03/2023 08:15

They're probably acting up because they're deeply unhappy. Not suprised really with your attitude towards them. They probably think now you've had a baby with your new partner that you don't want them anymore.

This is down to you to fix by showing them you love them, talking to them, putting their needs before your own, making them feel like your house is their home too. I feel really sad for them, you seem to just want to get rid of them.

cocksstrideintheevening · 30/03/2023 08:35

Sounds like you've got a new baby and don't want them around. They're still young and sound like kids that age. It's a battle to get my 11 year olds to. Lean up after themselves.

Minimalme · 30/03/2023 08:47

Siblings fight and kids are messy. It has ever been thus.

I would imagine they feeling rejected by you and the arguing has escalated to gain your attention.

If you can't find aa way to love and tolerate the fact they are children, they would honestly be better staying full time with their Dad.

It will do them permanent emotional damage to be spend time with you knowing they are unwanted.

Minimalme · 30/03/2023 08:49

Btw, spending time with a parent who is low level angry with you most of the time is emotional abuse.

UWhatNow · 30/03/2023 08:50

You sound very passive about this. They are still children and you are the adult. What do you do in terms of trying to manage their behaviour?

Yajebbend · 30/03/2023 08:50

Wow! Replies are harsh. It’s normal to have these feelings and siblings fighting are arguing and so draining. How do you manage that behaviour?

Cantbebothered90 · 30/03/2023 09:06

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AllOfThemWitches · 30/03/2023 09:09

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Agreed, poor little things.

pinkyredrose · 30/03/2023 09:11

Try to split them up more, they've obviously had enough of each other. Can thier dad have one for a few days? Get one of them a hobby that takes them out of the house one evening a wk? Do they share a room? It sounds like they need thier own space.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/03/2023 09:13

Routine is vital. Develop routines for every habit you want them to develop, walk them through what you want them to do.
Have designated places for everything, and walk them through it.. coming home from school? Coat gets hung here, shoes and bag get put there. Ta le gets cleared immediately after eating and they can either take turns or do it together.

Flatandhappy · 30/03/2023 09:15

Sorry but your poor kids! Assuming baby is from a new partner it sounds like you want to dump your old family to focus on the new as it’s easier which is pretty screwed up. The kindest thing you could do would be to see if your ex can take sole custody.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/03/2023 09:17

Sorry posted too soon.
They need to be outside as much as possible to run off excess energy, get them to the park, scouts, sporting activities- all that is doable with a baby.
Reward Co- operative behaviour, encourage games they can play together. If it's a choice between focusing on them or the baby, chose the older ones, the baby will fit in and won't know any different.
It is going to be hard for them with a new baby on the scene, and tiring for you, but they need more attention from you, not less.

TrashyPanda · 30/03/2023 09:20

Minimalme · 30/03/2023 08:47

Siblings fight and kids are messy. It has ever been thus.

I would imagine they feeling rejected by you and the arguing has escalated to gain your attention.

If you can't find aa way to love and tolerate the fact they are children, they would honestly be better staying full time with their Dad.

It will do them permanent emotional damage to be spend time with you knowing they are unwanted.

Agree

prettygreenteacup · 30/03/2023 09:27

Seems fairly clear that they're feeling unwanted after you having a baby, and you're only reinforcing that with your attitude. Yes, sometimes motherhood is a slog, but don't underestimate how much they will be picking up on and feeling rejected right now. The only way kids know how to keep getting attention is to act up!

I have my kids 50/50 with my ex but I am always looking forward to my days with them, I miss them! Do you make every effort to make them feel part of the family? I know my DD's sometimes worry that they are just moving from house to house, and i put so much energy into ensuring they know that this is their home etc and nothing changes whilst they're at their dad's. With a baby with a new partner this would be even more essential, they have a younger sibling and need to feel secure in your family dynamics. I know parenting impacts mental health, but it is also your responsibility as their mum to step up here and help yourself so you can help them. They need you.

Ihavekids · 30/03/2023 09:33

Sorry op, I know the readjustment period when a new baby arrives is exhausting, but you absolutely HAVE to dig deep and be a good parent to all of them.

Make some time to spend with each child one on one, get a ice cream or something, I know it can't be a whole day thing for a while, but even 20m will be good, where they get your full attention and love. You need to show the older ones that you love and accept them forever despite the bad behavior. I know it's so hard. But you did chose another child.

Firm but kind and love all the time.

It'll get better in a few months I promise. You've just got to give everything you have. Parenting is fucking hard.

CalpolDependant · 30/03/2023 09:35

I have a baby and 2 older ones that are nearly the same age as yours. My husband and I are still together and all of the kids are ours (accidental old lady pregnancy that has seen me reliving my nappy days again!) so it’s a slightly different situation but, I can empathise with how you feel. Because my older two seem to have become more work since the new baby. Not less, as I would hope with every passing day that they get older.

Some thoughts:

You need some time with just them. Leave baby with your partner and take them out. I took my older ones holiday shopping and then to Frankie and Benny’s last week. It was absolutely lovely.
Is it possible you might be feeling a little depressed? Speak to your partner, a friend or health visitor about these very raw feelings you’re having.
Tell their dad that you’re struggling and ask him if he can have them 1 extra night per week on a short term basis. It’s little enough that the kids would hardly notice the difference but it would give you some time.
If you can afford it, get a cleaner for 2 hours per week. It will change your life.

MarshaBradyo · 30/03/2023 09:40

Minimalme · 30/03/2023 08:47

Siblings fight and kids are messy. It has ever been thus.

I would imagine they feeling rejected by you and the arguing has escalated to gain your attention.

If you can't find aa way to love and tolerate the fact they are children, they would honestly be better staying full time with their Dad.

It will do them permanent emotional damage to be spend time with you knowing they are unwanted.

As direct as it is you need to change tack op

Sugargliderwombat · 30/03/2023 09:42

pinkyredrose · 30/03/2023 09:11

Mums got a new baby, split up parents, and you suggest also splitting them up? 🤯 they are each others only constant.

Mumz0612 · 30/03/2023 09:42

I grew up with a mum like you, as soon as she had my sister had no time for me, always shouting and that I wasn’t a perfect child like my sister and how I now im
very low contact with her and my sister your older kids deserve a mum who loves them not one who hates spending time with them

Madeintowerhamlets · 30/03/2023 09:50

I am sympathetic up to a point OP but I agree you need to dig deep here. They are all your babies. And your new shiny baby will be 9 one day! At the end of the day it isn’t your existing kids fault that you decided to have another baby. You need to be extending your care & attention to all your kids & the older ones are likely feeling pushed out (unsurprising since you want to push them out!).

KvotheTheBloodless · 30/03/2023 09:53

You sound overwhelmed OP - have a very un-Mumsnetty hug

Everything's harder when you have a new baby, and I imagine the kids are feeling it too. It's normal for siblings to feel a bit pushed out/insecure when a new baby arrives, so whilst their behaviour is annoying, rest assured that it's normal and should settle down again as they get used to things and are reassured that you still love them just as much.

Is your DP doing his fair share with the baby, to make sure you get a break? You need to look after yourself before you can look after everyone else. The first year post-birth is a very vulnerable time for mothers. If you're feeling miserable or like you can't cope, talk to your DP about how he can help, and see your GP about possible PND.

It feels overwhelming now, but this too shall pass - it won't always be this hard.

KvotheTheBloodless · 30/03/2023 09:55

Also, to the posters piling on to put the boot in rather than offer support - shame on you. OP is in a very vulnerable place right now, and came here for support, not to been torn to shreds for admitting to not being a perfect parent at all times!

Wind your necks in and show a bit of empathy.

megletthesecond · 30/03/2023 10:01

Sorry you are struggling. Do you have any support from your DP? Have your DC's always been like this or is it just now the new baby has arrived?

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