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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dread time with my DC

46 replies

Showmethedoor · 29/03/2023 10:30

sorry, I’ve posted in AIBU for traffic.
I have 2 DC with my ex. We have them 50/50 of the time. I dread my days with them. They fight, argue and make home life unbearable. I try and plan nice things for them and their behaviour in the run up to them just makes me resent doing that. It’s the Easter holidays coming up and I honestly just don’t want to go through that. It causes me so much anxiety. I just want to hide. I’m due to collect them from school today and have them for 2 days. I just want to call their dad and beg him to have them. I have a baby too, and they cause the baby upset with their constant shouting and screaming. My home is a mess because they just don’t clean up after themselves. They’re 9 and 11.
I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 30/03/2023 10:03

Sugargliderwombat · 30/03/2023 09:42

Mums got a new baby, split up parents, and you suggest also splitting them up? 🤯 they are each others only constant.

Show quote history

So what? They're winding each other up, they need a break.

There's a lot of supposition on this thread .

AllOfThemWitches · 30/03/2023 10:30

KvotheTheBloodless · 30/03/2023 09:55

Also, to the posters piling on to put the boot in rather than offer support - shame on you. OP is in a very vulnerable place right now, and came here for support, not to been torn to shreds for admitting to not being a perfect parent at all times!

Wind your necks in and show a bit of empathy.

Nah, it's the kids people feel for here. Sounds as though they've been through a lot.

LittleMG · 30/03/2023 10:35

You might not want to hear this op but they are your kids and you need to step up
and be there. You’ve had another one for goodness sake! They need you now as much as they did before, take control of these situations and have clear rules and consequences. It won’t be easy but they are your kids you have to try.

MistyFrequencies · 30/03/2023 10:37

CalistoNoSolo · 30/03/2023 08:15

They're probably acting up because they're deeply unhappy. Not suprised really with your attitude towards them. They probably think now you've had a baby with your new partner that you don't want them anymore.

This is down to you to fix by showing them you love them, talking to them, putting their needs before your own, making them feel like your house is their home too. I feel really sad for them, you seem to just want to get rid of them.

This was my thought too on reading the OPs post. Poor kids. Theyre only little.

Coffeellama · 30/03/2023 10:41

Is this recent behaviour because of the new baby? Maybe itl calm down if so? Because I assume you wouldn’t have had another one if you didn’t like being a parent to your existing 2 at the time. If these feelings are recent could there be some post natal anxiety involved? Whatever it is you need to find some support and fast, nobody loves every day when their kids argue but your feels are more extreme. How’s your new partner with the kids?

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 30/03/2023 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Agree.

Poor kids. Sounds like they're unhappy.

LightDrizzle · 30/03/2023 10:49

Definitely ask your ex if he is having similar issues.

These children haven’t just been dropped on you, they are yours and you’ve raised them alongside their dad. They have gone through their parents separating, getting used to a new step-dad, and now you have a cute little baby everyone will coo over and that baby has you all the time, 100%, and is the loved child of their mum and her new loved partner Nobody finds them cute anymore, they shuttle between two households. They are probably struggling a bit.

You need to agree House Rules and calmly introduce consequences for breaking them, but most of all you need to plaster a big fat grin on your face every time you collect them, every morning when they come downstairs in the morning or you go into their bedrooms. You must convince them they are the light if your life and missed when not there. It sounds like this has to be fake for now. Make sure you spend some time with just them while your DH has the baby.

They are going to need you more than ever over the next few years.

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2023 10:51

How does the 50/50 work?

Itcouldhappenabishop · 30/03/2023 10:58

My kids are a similar age and it's hard work. Boundaries, discipline, consistency are key here. You can have fun with them too but they need to tidy up their crap. Otherwise the bin bag comes out and their precious Lego or whatever is dangled over the wheelie bin- you won't have to take it that far to make your point!
Re fighting - totally normal but fucking annoying. I would ban YouTube if they watch it as that makes my 2 ratty little gits. What is the trigger for the fight? Have one doing homework with you and the other watching TV then swap. Just change the dynamic till they get out of the habit of fighting.

Itcouldhappenabishop · 30/03/2023 10:59

Oh and I'm a lone parent too

Goldie2021 · 30/03/2023 11:01

Exactly!

Nimbostratus100 · 30/03/2023 11:06

sounds like you need a review of your discipline policy, as the current one isnt working. What consequences are in place?

thispostisaboutyou · 30/03/2023 11:23

Fwiw it's worth OP, I really had to fight my feelings towards my 9yo when I had a new baby so I know where you're coming from and you can't help your feelings, just your actions so that they don't know. Hug them even when you are annoyed, try and get 1-1 time away from the baby with them and look at discipline if they're behaving badly. I wanted you to know you're not alone tho- I understand how you feel. It will get easier. How old is baby?

qpmz · 30/03/2023 11:37

I think they feel unstable swapping homes every week. They are acting up because they feel left out and unhappy. Do they get on with the baby's dad? That could be another factor.
Can you spend time with them without the baby? You can shower them with love and attention to rebuild your relationship?

Caspianberg · 30/03/2023 11:41

I would try and spend as much time as possible outside with them. It will wear them out, and reduce how much time they can make mess at home.

user19888891 · 30/03/2023 12:11

OP I’m sorry people are being so vicious towards you. My children are younger but understand that parenting is not something you necessarily look forward to everyday. It sounds like you are very overwhelmed and struggling.
Have you tried asking your children what they would like to do regarding activities etc when they are with you? Perhaps they are bored and this is causing some of the issues. I wonder if you’re finding it difficult to do things specifically for them with a baby also in the house. As other posters have mentioned a strong routine and some simple tasks around the house might give them some structure.
Also please make sure you have time completely to yourself- even if it’s not for long. It will refresh you and hopefully mean you look forward to spending time with your family.
I hope you are feeling better soon and are able to enjoy spending time with your children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/03/2023 12:25

So do it, tell your ex to keep them, become the NRP, pay maintenance and focus on the brand new baby. Is the baby’s dad around?

Hopefully their dad feels a bit more positively towards them.

Madeintowerhamlets · 30/03/2023 13:10

I think the posters that seem harsh & unsympathetic are just providing the other perspective. That it’s hard for OP but it’s also hard for her older children. Maybe it’s helpful to see it from their side? Sometimes you need a bit of a reality check.

AllOfThemWitches · 30/03/2023 13:22

There's literally nothing positive written about the older kids, children bicker, they're messy, it's kind of what you sign up for. Most of us don't consider telling them to move out for it.

GOW56 · 30/03/2023 13:46

Have you always felt this way about them? Or just since you had the baby. They are probably picking up on your anxiety about them and playing up because they are scared and want your attention.
Could you be depressed? It is perfectly normal to feel fed up with our kids but you seen completely negative. Have you any help?

Original poster

Showmethedoor · 31/03/2023 08:27

Every time I collect them from school, they get the biggest hug from me. I miss them so much when I’m not with them. But the moment they’re in the car, the riot starts.
I do take them places without the baby. We had a great time last weekend doing an activity together. The good moods didn’t last long though.
I adore my children and hate that their lives were turned upside down a few years ago when me and their dad separated. He’s with someone now who has 2 DC and my dc can’t stand them. Says they’re spoilt etc.
I spike to their dad about how I was feeling. He says they’re pretty lively when they’re at his house too. I also spoke to my GP who has increased the dosage of my anxiety medication. Hopefully that will kick in soon.
on Monday when I get the boys back, I’m taking them to our holiday home for a full week where we will be doing lots of fun things(we have a national trust membership) and they’ll get to play out with their friends there too. Something they can’t really do at home

OP posts:

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