Am I the worst parent in the world?

[naleto]

My ex and I share our daughter who is 9. He is a good dad, he really is, they have an amazing bond. However, on and off since we have split he has had serious problems with illegal drugs - mainly ketamine.

Tonight I went to collect daughter after work and it was clear to me that my ex was under the influence of said drug. His eyes were pin point, he was speaking very slowly/slurred and strange, and I could just tell. Seen it many times over the years.

I said to him (in front of our daughter which was a massive mistake on my part) that I know he's under the influence. He replied that he was but that he was under control and hadn't taken enough to be out of control and that he was still functioning. I told him that I can't go through this again and that I don't want him under the influence of anything when he has our daughter. He said I can't control what he does.

I said that until he gave me his word that this would stop, he can't be around daughter anymore unsupervised. At this point my daughter kicked off big time. Ex was saying, 'looking what you're doing to her'. I replied that it's him doing this, by taking drugs. My daughter was screaming at me saying I'm trying to take her away from her dad and it doesn't matter if he takes drugs, he can do what he wants. It really was a shit show.

My daughter then refused to get in the car with me saying she's staying at her dads. I had to phone his brother who is well aware of his issues. His brother said I did the right thing and daughter agreed to come with me.

Daughter hasn't spoken to me since we've got home. She says it's all my fault and that her dad is fine.

I'm now wondering, am I crazy? Was I meant to just ignore it! The mistake I know I made was bringing it up in front of her, that was completely irresponsible and selfish of me for not biting my tongue for two minutes and sending her to the car so I could discuss with him.

I'm just so sick of him trying to compare his drug use to someone having a glass of wine in charge of a child. Number 1 - it's illegal!

AIBU? Does my daughter actually hate me? I'm hoping it's a case of that she feels most comfortable with me so takes it out on me but on the way home she says I'm the one that always makes her sad, not her dad.

I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown if I'm honest.

He's a shit dad OP, manipulative as well, and this is not your fault.

Thank you, I just feel awful. Daughter is refusing to speak to me and I just feel like it is all my fault

It’s really not your fault, you’re rightly being protective of your daughter. Sometimes doing the best thing isn’t the most popular thing.

He isn't a good dad.

But this should never have been discussed in front of her

Hes a dickhead. You already know you done wrong bringing this up in front of her, can you try and talk to her? At the age of 9 she doesn't really get to ignore you!

You're doing the right thing but this conversation should never have happened in front of your daughter.
Your DD is far too young to understand a situation like this. She's also likely to mention this to others so be prepared for social services to become involved.

Who’s the worse parent, the one who uses drugs around their child or the one who tries to set safe boundaries around parental drug use.

It is mad you appear to have casually put up with him being on drugs around DD. Apologies if this isn't the case. I wouldnt care if she hated me, there is no way someone, parent or not, is in charge/around my child on drugs.

She doesn’t hate you and it’s not your fault. You’re the only one being a parent here. A good dad doesn’t take ketamine around his nine year old daughter OP.

You're not in the wrong about the drugs.

But unfortunately your daughter doesn't understand this and like you say this was all done in front of her so she's going to blame you now.

I'm not sure what to advise about your daughter hopefully someone else might have advice about that

I'd contact SS for advice. You need to know what you can do in terms of safeguarding your child, and also preempt the inevitable knock on the door when someone else finds out.

It's always better to be proactive in these situations.

I am a bloody social worker would you believe

HE IS NOT A GOOD DAD.

You should have waited and spoken about it away from your DD but what he did is unacceptable.

I am sadly well aware what someone is like on this particular evil drug and nobody should be left in charge of a child whilst under its effects.

You’ve done the right thing. He’s probably been taking drugs around her for ages and telling her if she told you she wouldn’t be able to see him. Otherwise she had no reason to be so upset about you knowing the state he was in and taking her home. I think if I were in your position I’d be limiting contact to days out where he picks her up so you can see the state he’s in before they leave.

You sound like a good 👍 enough parent mother,
A lot better than your waster Loser Partner,

But it would have been wiser ,not to say anything misuse of drugs related in front of her,
I totally get your frustration 100 per cent

Your daughter still very much loves you,

It's just she is far too young to understand the implications of drugs misuse ect

Your daughter is just annoyed cross , taking it out on you.

Given your job you have to get this right or you could be in trouble with your regulatory body!

Stop contact.

If she thinks that him doing drugs isn’t a problem, then he’s already done some damage. You have absolutely done the right thing to protect her.

Right now it doesn’t really matter if she doesn’t ‘like’ you. The point is, you’ve kept her safe, and in the long run, that is what she will love you for.

He’s a waste of space, I wouldn’t trust him to have any further contact.

I think in your shoes, if you haven't already, I would explain to your DD that you shouldn't have said what you did in front of her, as it was grown up talk, but that what her dad did was VERY wrong and against the law, maybe tell her he could go to prison for it, it might help her understand. Just my thoughts.

Message him first and hopefully he'll see sense.

When she calms down you can reassure her that her dad loves her very much (as you do) and you would never want her to stop seeing him, but when he's taken the wrong medicine, or however you want to describe what he did/does, it could be dangerous.

Daddy needs some time to get better....(I.e sort himself out and make some adult choices)

Noooo don't mention prison or against the law.
I have a 9 year old so it's just going to continue the reaction OP has had from her child and embed how the child is already feeling

I don’t get the horror of speaking about it in front of the DD.
Even at 9 I bet she knew he was behaving weirdly.
She might know he’s taking drugs , she might think he’s ill, she might think it’s fine for adults to get stoned when they want - not realising he could accidentally set the place on fire. Fall down the stairs etc
Not ideal for her to hear the row but at least she knows what’s going on and doesn’t think her Dm is cruel to DF for no reason.

Being a good parent force's us to make decisions our children won't like. It's easier to say she hates you as you are safe and reliable and always there.
If she isn't asleep I'd make her a hot chocolate and snuggle in bed and watch a movie. Tell her it's OK she doesn't want to talk to you but you love her and just sit

Absolutely this

He isn't a good dad, in any way, shape or form