Am I the worst parent in the world?

[naleto]

My ex and I share our daughter who is 9. He is a good dad, he really is, they have an amazing bond. However, on and off since we have split he has had serious problems with illegal drugs - mainly ketamine.

Tonight I went to collect daughter after work and it was clear to me that my ex was under the influence of said drug. His eyes were pin point, he was speaking very slowly/slurred and strange, and I could just tell. Seen it many times over the years.

I said to him (in front of our daughter which was a massive mistake on my part) that I know he's under the influence. He replied that he was but that he was under control and hadn't taken enough to be out of control and that he was still functioning. I told him that I can't go through this again and that I don't want him under the influence of anything when he has our daughter. He said I can't control what he does.

I said that until he gave me his word that this would stop, he can't be around daughter anymore unsupervised. At this point my daughter kicked off big time. Ex was saying, 'looking what you're doing to her'. I replied that it's him doing this, by taking drugs. My daughter was screaming at me saying I'm trying to take her away from her dad and it doesn't matter if he takes drugs, he can do what he wants. It really was a shit show.

My daughter then refused to get in the car with me saying she's staying at her dads. I had to phone his brother who is well aware of his issues. His brother said I did the right thing and daughter agreed to come with me.

Daughter hasn't spoken to me since we've got home. She says it's all my fault and that her dad is fine.

I'm now wondering, am I crazy? Was I meant to just ignore it! The mistake I know I made was bringing it up in front of her, that was completely irresponsible and selfish of me for not biting my tongue for two minutes and sending her to the car so I could discuss with him.

I'm just so sick of him trying to compare his drug use to someone having a glass of wine in charge of a child. Number 1 - it's illegal!

AIBU? Does my daughter actually hate me? I'm hoping it's a case of that she feels most comfortable with me so takes it out on me but on the way home she says I'm the one that always makes her sad, not her dad.

I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown if I'm honest.

Ketamine is a drug that can separate the mind from the body. You are not in control when under the influence of this drug, regardless of what he thinks. My DD’s dad (NC) had psychosis as a result of his chronic ketamine use and it was terrifying.
Why the hell would he need to be using it whilst caring for his child?! There is absolutely no excuse for it, I’m sorry but he is not a good dad if he puts drug use above being responsible around his daughter - he sounds like a selfish manipulative arsehole.

Thanks all. Daughter is okay, we had a chat and snuggled in her bed and watched some funny videos on YouTube, then she did my make up and laughed a lot ❤️ I explained to her that I was sorry I had that conversation in front of her and that I would never want her to stop seeing her dad but that my main priority is her safety so we need to wait until dad is better. She's still upset about that but seems to have settled, bless her.

Had a phone call from him, obviously after his brother gave him a bollocking, apologising, saying he won't do it again. I've heard this many times before and I'm not sure where to go from here.

She said to me in bed, 'I don't care if dad takes drugs, he's a good dad, he reads with me and plays with me' 😢 I just wish he would get it together.

That’s heartbreaking 💔 your poor DD. And I know your ex is choosing to take drugs but I feel for him too, no one sits at age 5 and says I want to become a drug addict when I grow up. There will be reasons, usually trauma related. Sadly though it doesn’t matter, he can’t do Ket and be a Dad. Could his brother talk to him about drug counselling/rehab/any kind of help? Obviously it’s not your problem and you’re under no obligation at all to help him. Could your daughter access some support to discuss her feelings with a neutral party?

Maybe let him see her so their relationship doesn't breakdown, but only supervised until he proves otherwise.

@Nowhereelsetogo90 I know, it's awful and yeah he does have trauma which is why I have been so patient in the past with him and sat and listened to him for hours, promising the world. And he has had a year here, 6 months there of sobriety and he is a different person. Such a hard working, reliable, kind person and awesome dad. He just can't cope with the overwhelming emotions he feels due to his childhood and so turns to drugs. But it's almost out of nowhere, he can be doing good one day and then taking drugs the next.

Yes luckily his brother is very supportive but also gives him the kick up the arse when he needs it. He seems to listen to his brother which I am grateful for. His brother's main concern is our daughter also, he said tonight that I'd done the right thing.

Yeah I think looking for a third party for our daughter to speak to is a great idea. Hate that it's come to this but this is all undoubtedly having an effect on her.

I work in the justice side of social work and so addiction is something I see often which is why I feel I am more empathetic towards those with addiction. Like you say, it almost always stems from some sort of trauma. However, my ex has all the support in the world to overcome this, so it's really up to him to decide enough is enough.

You are a brilliant mother protecting your daughter xx

You were shocked and disappointed and don't blame yourself for what you said in front of dd.You know you made a mistake there but who hasn't at some point?stop beating yourself up.you're being a brilliant mum.
your dd will calm down enough for a chat later.he has out you in this position .
good luck going forward,your dd loves you very much.

If you all get along, maybe you could organise a regular catch up, like a meal somewhere, for the 3 of you. Your DD will see that you absolutely mean it when you tell her you want her to have her dad in her life, and your ex will know that he can't be on drugs around you because you will spot it straight away so he's more likely to be clean at that time.

If your daughter truly believes you will continue to encourage their relationship she may feel able to call you if your ex is acting oddly when she's with him, knowing she will still get to see her dad.

Just a thought....

You’re being a great mum. Having been in similar position, but with different drugs and alcohol, I’m 10 years down the line. I insisted my ex take drug tests before contact - official, third party paid for tests. His family were also present at visits so that contact was supervised. Looking back I wish I’d just stopped contact with my child’s father altogether until he was several years clean. I doubt he would have fought to see them and he did so much damage to their mental health along the way by being flakey and erratic with contact.

She said to me in bed, 'I don't care if dad takes drugs, he's a good dad, he reads with me and plays with me' 😢 I just wish he would get it together.

Nine years old and already her standards are so low. You have to ask yourself if that is what you want for her. Do you want her to settle for “takes drugs but reads and plays with me?” As she gets older that will extend to her partners too. It could become “alcoholic and screams at me but at least he doesn’t hit me,” or worse.

Now is the time to model healthy boundaries and expectations. He has trampled over the boundary you set regarding drug use and your daughter is aware of this because of the argument. If you don’t hold firm on consequences now, for this incident, it is sending the message that it is okay for men to ignore the boundaries of women.

I hit send too soon but wanted to add…

Good luck OP. It’s not easy but you’ve got this. Don’t beat yourself up for jumping on him before your daughter was out of earshot. Your protective instincts kicked in as soon as you saw him off his face and there’s nothing wrong with that. 💐

you did
absolutely the right thing. i have had a similar situation with my ex, he used to be a drinker, and have had to take my children home when they thought they were going to stay. For those saying don’t have the conversation in front of a child… err it’s not that simple, you don’t actually choose the time.

my children are older now;
t hey know why I took them away;
they respect the strength I have. They still love their Dad (he is sober now, and like your ex is a different person when not under the influence). problem is that sometimes kids want to protect their vulnerable parent, and it’s not their job! Sorry you are going through this, it is not easy

Oh god op, I feel for you, but of course a child should never hear a conversation like that, you could have agreed that he has to come over and spend time in yours with her instead, worked things out more diplomatically, whatever people say above, personally I think parents’ problems should be aired away from children. Yes someone said above about how she should know in case of anything dangerous, but that’s a diplomatic conversation to be had sugar coated a little bit.

Agree with PP. You’re doing the right thing and doing the right thing isn’t always popular. You are DDs mother not her friend.

Get SS involved. The threat of regular drug tests may keep him on track. If they find out you arent reporting they will be much more concerned. As a social worker you know this.

Having been that kid with a parent under the influence, it doesn't get better, and I had no one to look out for me. I had to grow up, fast, and was put in many dangerous situations. Do not let him have her. It's not safe.

Then you know and I know that you're doing the right thing. It isn't acceptable for someone to be under the influence of drugs while parenting. Whilst he doesn't have your daughter he can essentially do as he pleases, but this speaks of a much bigger issue.
Do you work with kids? Manage it as we would in work....

It was unfair of me and Dad to argue in front of you. I understand that you feel protective of Dad and the things you heard between us must have been confusing. I love you very much, and so does Dad. When people use drugs, it changes how they think and how they behave. I am worried that when Dad uses drugs, he isn't able to put you first, because his brain is affected by them. He can't always make safe decisions for you, and if there was an emergency he wouldn't be able to respond well.
Dad using drugs doesn't mean he loves you less. He is a lovely Dad and I know he is so important to you. I care about him too but because you are 9 you are the most important and I have to decide things for you sometimes. I need to keep you safe and Dad would never do anything to hurt you on purpose, but drugs change how people react so I can't guarantee he is a safe Dad if he uses drugs around you.
When people use drugs a lot, sometimes their brain and body start to need it, its called addiction. Addiction is a sickness and it needs to be treated by doctors and other helpers. I need to see that your Dad is going to do this before I can allow him to have you at his house on his own again. Until then, my plan is that I'm going to ask X to be there with you both, or Dad can come here/go to Nans to see you (whatever your plan is). I understand this is really difficult and it's ok to be upset, its a lot to take in. I'm sorry that we argued in front of you. It is never fine for people to take illegal drugs, but especially not when they are looking after children, so I was upset and really frightened that something could have gone wrong last night.

I would be concerned that DD may discuss this in school which would cause even more issues and no amount of your ex saying he was in control will help.

I think you need to see a solicitor, and involve social services. It sounds like you get on with his family and they're not denying his issues.

You cannot facilitate his contact anymore, because social services will take a dim view of you potentially allowing an addict to be unsupervised with a child. It could mean a protection order against you both which clearly wouldn't be fair.

You probably shouldn't have said anything around the child but I can imagine how shocked you were at the time. It could also give your DD a bad attitude towards drugs being fine because her deadbeat druggie dad.

I would also recommend you do not term her good or great to anyone in authority. He's not. He's a selfish druggie who couldn't leave it alone for the time he spent with his child.

I would speak to them now before school hears this because social services will act against you of they feel you are allowing someone you know you be an addict around your child. They can then deal with supervision based on negative drug tests for him.