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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is unreasonable about disposable income?

50 replies

SwimmingwiththeFishes · 28/03/2023 10:11

Just to preface this by saying this wasn't some almighty row but a difference of opinion that I'd like other's thoughts on!

I also want to say I really do understand that we are in a very fortunate position to be even discussing this and many are struggling just to pay the bills. So I really thought about posting this but I genuinely want to see if I'm being unreasonable.

We are married, 2 DC and have separate accounts, joint savings but very much what's mine is yours when it comes to paying for bills/things.

I am the breadwinner and pay 90% of the bills incl food. I have absolutely no problem with this as DH puts money into savings (an agreed amount) and overpays the mortgage (an agreed amount)

I am lucky enough to have money left over after bills. DP also has money left over after putting money into savings/mortgage overpayments. The amounts are roughly the same

Pretty much every month I spend what I have left. New clothes for DC, we might do activities at the weekend, days out, meals out etc. This sounds excessive but I literally mean swimming, football hobbies, new shoes, lunch out at cafe at the park, big day out maybe once a month in town, a couple of nights out with friends etc.

DH doesn't spend much of his disposable income and instead tops up the savings.

Recently he has suggested I should save some of my disposable income and cut back on what I spend. He has suggested the DC don't need to do as much as they do, we could do more at home, nights out with friends could be inviting them here for drinks instead etc

I disagree. I worked really bloody hard to get a decent salary pre kids as I knew my career would stall. We are lucky enough to be able to save and still have money left over and I feel strongly that I worked to put us in the position where we could eat out, enjoy ourselves and still have a nest egg. I don't see why we should cut back when we don't need to.

YANBU: it's his choice to save his money and you can spend as you'd like

YABU: you should match his additional savings and cut back

OP posts:
GiltEdges · 28/03/2023 10:33

YANBU. Life is for living at the end of the day 🤷‍♀️

DoAWheelie · 28/03/2023 10:37

Why are you paying everything for the kids? He should be covering half that.

TheHoover · 28/03/2023 10:40

er….hear each other out then reach a compromise?

Albiboba · 28/03/2023 10:41

DoAWheelie · 28/03/2023 10:37

Why are you paying everything for the kids? He should be covering half that.

Surely he basically is since he overpays the mortgage and puts the rest into joint savings?
It’s really nitpicking king to say he’s not paying anything towards the kids.

MarchMadness23 · 28/03/2023 10:42

How are you the breadwinner if he's putting in the same as you?

For starters I think you should both put the money for the mortgage/bills etc into the joint account and pay them from there, plus essential spending for the kids, clothes, agreed groups/clubs etc. it'll help to stop the feeling that HE pays the mortgage & HE Is the that saves.

then the disposable income... could you compromise? Put a bit extra into savings & be a bit more aware of how much you're spending on other things, surely there's a middle ground?

PicaK · 28/03/2023 10:42

Yanbu. I thought this would be one where you had unequal disposable spends.
With col etc it might be worth a sit down review. Where do we want to be in 10 years - what are we saving for. What would happen if one of us died or we got divorced.
There's obviously some underlying anxiety going on and that's worth taking seriously.

ChangingUsernamesLikeUnderwear · 28/03/2023 10:43

If you’re the breadwinner where is his money coming from? PT work? In which case kids’ clothes, clubs etc should be coming from joint savings not just yours, surely? And are the savings he puts aside in a joint account or his?

Littleloveydovey · 28/03/2023 10:43

DoAWheelie · 28/03/2023 10:37

Why are you paying everything for the kids? He should be covering half that.

With what?

JWR · 28/03/2023 10:44

We have a similar set up whereby we have the same spending money after bills and joint savings. Discretionary spends that are for all of us e.g. family meal, kids clothes are split 50/50 (yes, we keep a tally and balance back to each other every month). Big spends from this over £100 agreed in advance. Anything that’s individual e.g. DH rugby games with mates, haircuts, is from our individual pockets. If one of us wanted to save the leftovers then that would be up to them but no pressure on the other. If you’re comfortable you have a cushion then definitely life is for living. Is this really a difference in what you each feel is a reasonable safety net sum?

MegaClutterSlut · 28/03/2023 10:46

Yanbu

Chickenly · 28/03/2023 10:46

I think he’s right. We’re having a bit of a turbulent economic time, it makes sense to just trim back a bit if you’re able to do so. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to want to enjoy your money but in times like this, it’s better to just keep a bit more back if you can in case something happens.

You need a bigger rainy day fund when you’re weathering a storm.

MarchMadness23 · 28/03/2023 10:47

@SwimmingwiththeFishes oh I think I misunderstood when you said 'the amounts are roughly the same'. You meant the disposable amounts are roughly the same not the contributions to mortgage/bills etc.

Has DH worked at his career? Does his job mean you're paying less childcare etc?

I can see both points of view, all you can do really is talk about it because it's going to cause resentment if this carries on.

Coffeellama · 28/03/2023 10:48

YANBU. What are you actually saving for that needs top ups rather than enjoying life anyway?

Itsbytheby · 28/03/2023 10:49

Neither of you are being unreasonable really. Or maybe both or you are are in way.

I don't think you can demand he pays for half of the stuff you pay for if he doesn't really think it's necessary. That said, I would feel annoyed if DH was dictating to me what I could spend my money on.

Original poster
SwimmingwiththeFishes · 28/03/2023 10:52

To clarify, by breadwinner I mean I earn more than DH, not that I am the sole earner

What I pay towards bills etc is probably more than double what gets put by DH into savings/mortgage payments but it's proportionate and isn't an issue between us

The issue is how we both use our discretionary money and we have worked this so that we are left with the same amount each month

I don't really see it that I pay for all kids stuff as he saves. Big spends for kids come from savings and neither of us would spend more than c£100 on an item without a discussion like PP. I think if I was struggling at the end of the month then I might think differently

And our savings are joint accounts

OP posts:
Original poster
SwimmingwiththeFishes · 28/03/2023 10:55

Coffeellama · 28/03/2023 10:48

YANBU. What are you actually saving for that needs top ups rather than enjoying life anyway?

Yes, this is my view but my DH can be quite frugal

And our savings are currently such that if one of us was out of work it would cover 6/8 months of bills so I feel that is a reasonable amount

DH has this dream of paying off the mortgage earlier than our term which is driving this I think.

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 28/03/2023 10:56

Does he plan to ‘enjoy life’ more once the mortgage is paid or is he just stingy regardless? I think this would drive me a bit nuts.

PuttingDownRoots · 28/03/2023 10:57

Agree an amount for kids activities and adult socialising.

Coffeellama · 28/03/2023 10:59

PuttingDownRoots · 28/03/2023 10:57

Agree an amount for kids activities and adult socialising.

Why? They’ve agreed what to keep as their own money, why dictate what it gets spent on too?

Quitelikeit · 28/03/2023 11:02

If the issue is overpaying the mortgage then why not sit down and realistically look if you could afford a bit more

however you like your life and you work hard and I think it’s fair enough that you want to enjoy it

however if you are on a fixed rate under 3% and he is worried about that ending in a year or so I do get why he wants to overpay because it’s going to jump right up eventually

can you give us more info re your mortgage?

Original poster
SwimmingwiththeFishes · 28/03/2023 11:06

however if you are on a fixed rate under 3% and he is worried about that ending in a year or so I do get why he wants to overpay because it’s going to jump right up eventually

Yes I would understand this too but we did a five year fix last summer just before everything went nuts. Under 1% until summer 27 when we'll have 5 years left to pay at that point.

I think he just wants to get it paid off earlier as it's our only debt and he hates having debt

OP posts:
Original poster
SwimmingwiththeFishes · 28/03/2023 11:09

It's tricky as on the face of it, what he's suggesting isn't unreasonable and he's not presenting it as a demand or ultimatum

But he can be a bit tight at times and I guess I think if I give him an inch he'll want a mile and I really enjoy days out, nice meals etc.

The kids aren't spoilt, they're still very young but at one point we didn't think we'd have them so I guess I want to make the most of them while they're little and excited to do things with mummy and daddy!

OP posts:
cptartapp · 28/03/2023 11:09

This is why we have separate accounts and a joint pot only for all bills and child related expenses. We put in a % into this relative to what we earn. The remainder of our salaries are for each of us to spend or save as we wish.
DH spends most of his. I save most of mine. But he earns five times more so has paid into the pot five times more so it doesn't concern me what he does with his remainder.

Quitelikeit · 28/03/2023 11:11

Ahhh now I understand him

You may well be looking at paying 4 or 5 percent

That could be a huge increase in your monthly payments - realistically how much extra will that cost you per month?

Are we talking hundreds of pounds?

Quitelikeit · 28/03/2023 11:14

I mean we are having to do what your husband wants to do because when our mortgage comes up for renewal we will struggle enormously

You are super lucky that you are paying less than 1pc

we could never have even bought our house if the rates were at the level they are now

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