To think that opening up about your mental health issues can lead to further isolation

[Mentalhealthstruggles]

I struggled for years, kept it hidden mostly and functioned ok amongst peers and in life. The past few years I have decided to open up about my struggles with anxiety and depression, be honest etc. now I have less friends. I am lonelier. I never get invited or included. I’ve been ghosted by almost everyone. It’s good to talk they say but in my case this has backfired. Has anyone else experienced this? I am sure that there are lots out there that talking has helped but are there any that are like me and wish I had never told anyone.

Yes, I have. I have learnt to keep my troubles mostly to myself. A lot of people will use it against you later. I only tell my mum and sister, who can be trusted to be empathetic.

Sorry that this has also happened to you. Did you lose friends?

I haven't exactly lost friends, but I have distanced myself from them because I could tell I overshared. This is a complicated subject however. I don't have serious MH issues but I definitely went through some tough times in the pandemic, which continue even now.

Unfortunately, everyone has compassion fatigue these days. I do understand that as well, and I think it is best not to use friends as therapists. These days, I keep convos light for the most part.

Unfortunately, everyone has compassion fatigue these days. I do understand that as well, and I think it is best not to use friends as therapists.

This is it. Very few people have found the last three years easy, and many are suffering now too with the cost of living crisis. I have little to give in terms of support to my extended circle of friends if I’m struggling to keep my own sprits up.

A big lesson to be learned here I guess. I thought that it would help everyone understand me more and maybe explain why I disappear (hiding at home away from everything!) for weeks on end sometimes. But instead I’ve managed to strike myself off everyone’s friends list. I have no family nearby either so I really have absolutely no one now. Except poor DH!

I think a lot of people get a lot of other people "opening up" to them about "mental health issues" and can get overloaded with it.

I think, like physical health issues, be selective about who you give details to

I agree with the compassion fatigue to be fair!
It was well before the pandemic that I opened up, and I started to be excluded more before 2020 but the pandemic has definitely been the nail in the coffin so to speak

Absolutely! I have my own mental health issues and have a few friends who really overload on me. I have to manage my own first. Not everyone else and me second. I use a journal for my own stuff.

OP, do you have a therapist? I know it's almost impossible to get through the NHS right now. But if not, there are support groups in London and many other big cities. Could you find one?

I agree @Nimbostratus100 that everyone is overwhelmed these days. I suffered in the pandemic, but many of my friends are now worse off than me in the CoL crisis. Not that it is a competition. But I am now careful about what I say.

You are right. Never show weakness it is just used against you. You get perceived as moody, negative, difficult, self absorbed etc. Which is hard, especially if you really need support or someone to talk to.

There are places and people you can open up but you need to select who to trust very carefully indeed. You are revealing your vulnerability so trust is a must.

When I see people on LinkedIn opening ip
about their personal
struggles, knowing it will be read by colleagues and bosses, I am apalled. They could, inadvertantly, be wrecking their chances of promotion.

No I don’t have a therapist. I live quite rurally so no groups nearby. I read a lot of CBT books/ listen to podcasts - really try and follow guidelines like good exercise/diet - restrict social media- I try it all!
I am managing quite well now except with the loneliness- the damage is done there, friends are gone.

I think it's probably the case that so many of us are struggling with mental health and other difficulties in life that it's hard to expect others to support you. Think about what you are looking for, a listening ear? Action? Practical support?

I tell very few people about my struggles. I think people are more self centered than ever, they just want to talk about themselves.

I've found that a problem shared is often a problem doubled (or more), and I've had many of those in my lifetime. I've overshared particularly when drinking, felt guilty, ghosted people or have been ghosted, and it just adds to my already OTT ND and trauma related anxieties. So I've stepped back from sharing, talking things over, etc. and generally keep things to myself now.

I’m not saying this is what’s happened but depression can make people quite selfish and talk about themselves disproportionately.

Perhaps if you reach out to some old friends, ask them how they’ve been and what they’ve been up to (and listen), you can find some new common ground and some fun activities to do together?

Are you doing any hobbies or activities just for the fun of it, not as a potential depression cure? You might meet new friends that way.

I was never looking for my friends to help me, be my therapists etc. just wanted to be honest about myself. Never asked for advice or help from anyone.
I regret it now.

Definitely. My family are the worst. I'm very selective now about who I speak with and about what. I hope you're ok.

Thank you everyone, it’s always comforting to know that you aren’t alone in an experience- is sad as the experience is. 💐

I am usually a very private person and like you, have hidden "that part"of my life for years as I have been afraid of people's reaction and because ultimately I'm ashamed. A few years back I was going through a really low spot and I tentatively tried to open up to a few friends who I thought were the more caring types. One physically turned her back to me when I told her about my anxiety and completely ignored what I had said as if she hasn't heard and went on to talk about some tv programme! Never to be spoken about again. Another, listened but then told me that she wasn't a support worker and despite living less than 10 minutes away and drove past my house daily, didn't bother to check in on me at all during that time. Tellingly though, she still asked for favours and to help out with her kids! I can't go into it all but needless to say, neither are in my life anymore and I've stuffed it all back down . Better to keep it locked away inside unfortunately.

I had a very similar experience. It was pretty much dismissed by family and friends the few times over the years when I attempted to talk about it.

when I had a, what seemed to me, a pretty major breakdown a few years ago it really showed that who thought of as friends weren’t really anymore that acquaintances from a past life.

it was very sobering, I thought meant more to people and that I’d always tried to be there for them.

Maybe I just felt rejected, I don’t know - maybe I hadn’t been the friend to them I thought I was. Who knows.

Met one person who accepted me and all my issues and I couldn’t handle it. My own worst enemy at times.

good luck with your journey

It's very important to be selective and careful who you open up to and ideally do so to a relevant and qualified professional rather than friends or family because everyone is struggling and everyone hates an energy vampire. People have no capacity these days.

FFS.

If someone disappears because you mention you have a mental health condition, they were never your friends in the first place.

I have a long term health condition that causes chronic pain and also struggled with PTSD/childhood trauma.

I don't expect anyone to be my therapist or to care for me and I am very independent but I certainly am not going to hide the fact that I have health issues or had mental health issues because it might make people uncomfortable.

All that nonsense just keeps perpetuating stigma around disability/mental health.

People should not feel like they have to hide a part of who they are, as if it was some kind of dirty secret, just to be accepted.

I’m very sorry to hear of your experiences

I’ve always thought it to be absolutely terrible advice to have this narrative of encouraging people to open up about their MH in real life, in work, with every acquaintance and friend. It’s not straightforward and can make you more isolated, people can be cruel, impatient, scared for themselves….all sorts of things,and I think people should disclose their mh issues carefully

OP I was diagnosed 25 years ago. Only told best friend and family as there was a stigma. I was scared to tell them. I have since told a couple of others but only because circumstances arose that made it relevant.

It wasn't a huge problem but they kind of didn't believe it. My mum and sister still forget that I have it and then get confused when I can't cope with certain things, or have a crying jag like I've had today.

Sorry, that was the long winded version. I'd be careful who you tell and I don't want my work contacts to know. I think it's really damaging that workplaces are telling people to open up. Frankly, I think there's an agenda there. I preferred it when this stuff was private.

I am sorry to hear you've had this experience. It's interesting to hear others talk of compassion fatigue. It's obviously your decision who you tell going forward but I will not be adding to the list of people who know unless it benefits me.