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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? Him or me?

26 replies

greenthumb13 · 27/03/2023 22:01

NC because I intend to show my husband this thread!

Will give some background here: my husband and I have been together almost 10 years. He is very frugal (he would say sensible) and I am more of the philosophy that money is to help us enjoy life.

We don't often fight but when we do it's often about very small things related to money. I will also say we have plenty of money (no mortgage, good pensions etc). But even though we have plenty he watches every penny. I am very grateful for him managing the finances but it can also get irritating!

So: tonight I donated to charity on an ongoing basis. Normally he takes care of it, gift aid, etc. but I thought why not, it's a small enough amount and a good cause (£20 a month). I can cancel the direct debit whenever. Well he flipped out and told me it was wrong of me to do it without talking to him first. We have a rule of anything over £100 we tell the other but don't ask for permission. Big stuff we discuss together before doing anything.

So - AIBU or is he being unreasonable?

YABU - me
YANBU - him

OP posts:
bluebellls · 27/03/2023 22:02

YANBU at all if you’re not consulting each other for spends of under £100. This was one of yours right? Do you both contribute equally?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/03/2023 22:05

I think it depends when you were thinking, honestly, that youd cancel the DD. As if not, it's not just £20, its £160 a year

Fluffodils · 27/03/2023 22:06

You are. You're giving shared money away.

Original poster
greenthumb13 · 27/03/2023 22:06

I did think I would cancel - he saw it as £240 whereas I saw it as £40

OP posts:
Original poster
greenthumb13 · 27/03/2023 22:06

Yes we contribute equally

OP posts:
Hercisback · 27/03/2023 22:07

YABU

GoodChat · 27/03/2023 22:08

Are you saying you contribute equally to shared finances? Do you also have separate money?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/03/2023 22:09

YABU. If I were your husband, I would also be irritated that you set up a direct debit from our account without speaking to me about it first.

Wineiscooling · 27/03/2023 22:10

YANBU I couldn’t get worked up over my partner donating 20 pounds a month to charity especially if money is not an issue. I mean, if you’re having to go to food banks to eat then that’s different but sounds like you are comfortable financially. I would hate to have my partner controlling my spends to this level.

FitAt50 · 27/03/2023 22:11

Yabu is £240 a year.

Fluffodils · 27/03/2023 22:12

Also he might disagree with donkey sanctuaries or whatever. If it's out of your personal spending budget it's not a problem.

FinallyHere · 27/03/2023 22:12

I'm sorry, I just couldn't live like that.

We have a shared household account to which we each contribute 50:50, which fully funds the house (mortgage free) and shared expenses generally. If it needs more eg at Christmas or for holidays, we top it up.

The rest of our money is private to do as we please with.

Works for us.

I could not live with having to check any expenditure and equally not with not knowing how much money I have to play with. But then, I wouldn't be with someone who was 'careful' with our funds.

Bluelightbaby · 27/03/2023 22:14

FitAt50 · 27/03/2023 22:11

Yabu is £240 a year.

This

StopFeckingFaffing · 27/03/2023 22:17

YABU if it is coming out of a joint account yes

If it was a one off charity donation then fair enough buts it's a recurring expense so total amount will be over £100

Nastyurtium · 27/03/2023 22:19

If you collectively regularly donate to charity and he needs to know what’s going where for tax/gift aid purposes, and you know this, then yes YABU. Plus you are supposed to consult on anything over £100 which this soon would be

JMSA · 27/03/2023 22:21

YANBU. And I couldn't put up with him.

JupiterFortified · 27/03/2023 22:24

YADNBU.

He sounds unbearable, I can’t stand right people. It’s 20 quid a month. Hardly likely to break the bank when you’ve said you’re comfortable money wise.

Must admit I’m really surprised that so many people are saying you’re unreasonable. I wouldn’t expect my husband to ask me if he could spend £20 a month on a charity donation and vice versa. Weird.

JupiterFortified · 27/03/2023 22:24

*tight people, not right people

MarchMadness23 · 27/03/2023 22:30

JMSA · 27/03/2023 22:21

YANBU. And I couldn't put up with him.

Why do you think she's NBU it's £240 for a year, they agreed to discuss anything over £100. He manages their finances & Gift Aid.

it's not an arrangement I'd agree to, but if you do, you need to do as you've agreed.

@greenthumb13 you do 'get further' in life with finances arranged like this BUT I couldn't live with it. I'd agree to put income into a joint account & trf £x monthly for personal spends or contribute x to joint account & keep the remainder as personal spends, but no way would I agree to your situation.

many many years ago we had to because money was very tight, but I was the one managing the finances, my partner didn't like it, but agreed it was the only way we'd get out of the hole! (Hole dug by him).

but in a good financial position, I'd just make sure one way or another you each have your own money to spend as you wish.

FictionalCharacter · 27/03/2023 22:33

Yanbu. So what if it’s 240 a year, if you are comfortably off and can afford it.
If you’re having second thoughts you could cut it down to 10 a month or less. Charities really value regular donations however small.
I can’t stand penny pinching when there’s no need to. I also couldn’t stand being told my my husband what I can and can’t spend my money on.

MarchMadness23 · 27/03/2023 22:34

JupiterFortified · 27/03/2023 22:24

YADNBU.

He sounds unbearable, I can’t stand right people. It’s 20 quid a month. Hardly likely to break the bank when you’ve said you’re comfortable money wise.

Must admit I’m really surprised that so many people are saying you’re unreasonable. I wouldn’t expect my husband to ask me if he could spend £20 a month on a charity donation and vice versa. Weird.

@JupiterFortified

For me it's not the £20pm (£240 pa) it's about the fact they have an agreement & if she no longer wants things to be that way, she needs to TALK to him, not just go behind his back & spend more than they agreed.

An open ended DD is not 'just' £20.

seratoninmoonbeams · 27/03/2023 22:36

FinallyHere · 27/03/2023 22:12

I'm sorry, I just couldn't live like that.

We have a shared household account to which we each contribute 50:50, which fully funds the house (mortgage free) and shared expenses generally. If it needs more eg at Christmas or for holidays, we top it up.

The rest of our money is private to do as we please with.

Works for us.

I could not live with having to check any expenditure and equally not with not knowing how much money I have to play with. But then, I wouldn't be with someone who was 'careful' with our funds.

I agree. Jesus. How tedious. Life is waaaaay too short for this.

olympicsrock · 27/03/2023 22:40

YABU

GreyTS · 27/03/2023 22:42

Christ how fucking boring, I mean yay that you're financially comfortable but who gives a fuck when you can't even spend the money you have?? Honestly my ex husband was like this, I'm a broke single mother, he's still minted (don't worry I'll eventually get what my children are owed) but I'd bet every measly penny I have that I'm happier than hell over be, miserable bastard

CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 22:45

You should have mentioned it to him, it's shared money on an ongoing basis. But I couldn't get worked up about this.

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