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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say no to friends children staying over?

27 replies

Stressed85 · 27/03/2023 21:16

I've NC for this in case the details are outing.

For background DH, DD (7) and I live in a 3 bed house. We have a spare room and both work full time.
DD is a quiet child and we are a chilled family. I am very much an introvert which is possibly why I am having such strong feelings about this.

6/7 weeks ago a friend had a marriage breakdown and is currently staying in our spare room. This is a minor inconvience in that we can't use the room as an office and have less privacy but it's not a big deal. He is looking for his own place but the renting market is crazy at the moment.

My issue is that he asks every weekend for his 2 children to stay over, they are 7 and 5. We said yes a few times as he was going through a rough time and we wanted to be kind however it seems to be an expectation now and it's making me feel quite stressed.

AIBU to say no to his children staying over?

My reasons:

It impacts our family plans
it impacts my ability to do weekend overtime (this OT is very generously paid and I WFH) as the hous is chaos and noise when they are here. If it was just DD she would be easily entertained/taken out by DH.
Impacts DDs routines - she is woken up a lot earlier than usual by the noise when they are up, then ia grumpy
not fair on DD having to share all her stuff all weekend. She just wants to spend time watching a film/playing/crafting in peace sometimes.
not fair on his children being told no all the time as they are getting out DDs stuff etc i.e I have to keep stopping them from getting DDs Switch out as I don't want them messing up her saved games
not fair on his children as they are having to sleep in 1 bed with him also, and they have non of their own stuff etc
no time to clean the house plus lots of extra mess
they are constantly hungry and eat so much of our food

-no weekend downtime for us

I feel bad saying no as he obviously wants to see his children, and we have no physical reason for refusing, but it is really affecting our family status quo and generally stressing me as I feel like my weekends are no longer available for downtime. I just want to sit downstairs in my PJs on a Sunday morning and watch some rubbish TV!!

OP posts:

StormInaDcup99 · 27/03/2023 21:19

100pc just say no OP.....but obviously you'll be gentle when you tell him. You are doing enough putting him up. An he not take kids to his mums/other friends at weekend?

TitoMojito · 27/03/2023 21:21

I think YANBU. You aren't even related to these kids. You are doing a kind thing for your friend letting him stay with you, but by bringing his kids and letting them run about your house and mess with your DDs things, he is taking liberties with your kindness.

NewNameNigel · 27/03/2023 21:22

Absolutely not unreasonable. He can use the money he's sabin on rent to stay in wn Airbnb. It also might encourage him to sort his own place more quickly.

Leeds2 · 27/03/2023 21:23

If I were your friend, I would be looking for every opportunity to get out of your hair and let you have some time as a family. I would be a bit miffed that he doesn't seem to be aware of how you might feel. You don't mention him paying you any rent, so next time he mentions the children staying I would suggest he takes them to the nearest Travel Lodge to give you all a bit of a break from each other.

BluetheBear · 27/03/2023 21:23

It's your home and you are already being generous by letting him stay with you.

fruitbrewhaha · 27/03/2023 21:25

Perhaps suggest he takes them somewhere for the Easter holidays. It would give you a break from all of them.

Im pretty cross he isn’t filling the house with food for you and his kids. That’s a bit of a piss take.

Tell him you really need to work the next few weekends so it’s a no go. He will have to see his kids away from your house.

Daftasyoulike · 27/03/2023 21:28

I'm afraid this is one of those situations where you're going to have to bite the bullet and be VERY clear about what you expect from him, and what you find unacceptable. Does he really need to have them overnight at this point in time, surely it would be easier for all of them if he just spent the daytime with the kids, and took them home to their Mum at the end of the day. If he wants to have them overnight, then it's time he pulled his finger out and got a place of his own. Bearing in mind that they're currently all sleeping in one bedroom and in the same bed, he can't use the excuse that he needs a bigger place than he can afford. I'm afraid he's really taking the mic now OP. Time to move on I think!

HamBone · 27/03/2023 21:28

YANBU at all. You’re being very generous letting your friend stay with you for what will soon be months and you can’t be expected to host/entertain/feed his children every weekend as well.

Does he have any family he could take them to over the weekend?

Original poster

Stressed85 · 27/03/2023 21:29

He pays us a small amount for food but no rent, we dont need it so felt greedy to ask.
I think I will sign up for overtime anyway and make sure he knows they can't be here whilst I am working.
I do feel like our kindness has been a bit taken advantage of.

OP posts:

Original poster

Stressed85 · 27/03/2023 21:31

His family are quite far away and he doesn't have a car!

Thanks for the validation I'm not being unreasonable, I just needed a sense check. DH agrees with me too, but it's just really hard to say no.

OP posts:

HamBone · 27/03/2023 21:31

I do feel like our kindness has been a bit taken advantage of.

Definitely! The OT is actually an ideal excuse to change the current situation as he can’t argue with work commitments.

Merangutan · 27/03/2023 21:31

YANBU. This really is selfish of him, actually - there’s no real consideration of the way your initially generosity has been accepted and then pushed and pushed to include more. This is your home and he needs to remember he’s an invited guest. Inviting his two young children for entire weekends every other week really is a bit cheeky when you’re already being so generous. He can’t invite them to stay over in a home that’s not his!

I think you need to say that you can’t accommodate his two children staying over at weekends in addition to him living with you because it’s not what you agreed to help him with. He’s pushing the boundaries beyond what is acceptable because you’ve been kind enough to tolerate it so far. Obviously he wants to see them, but these are his circumstances to deal with and get sorted. No need for your home to be used to host some sort of family weekend for people you aren’t even related to!

Merangutan · 27/03/2023 21:32

Excuse the load of typos

neilyoungismyhero · 27/03/2023 21:32

I think he's being super cheeky really. You've been generously putting him up but he needs to suck it up now and go and rent somewhere to accommodate himself and his children. He really is Taking the p.

saraclara · 27/03/2023 21:36

You have the perfect reason to say no, in your work. He cannot expect you to lose money because his children are here.

You need that overtime, you need to work from home, you need quiet.

He's extraordinarily lucky that you've taken him in. If he's saving money, can he not take them away for those weekends? One night in a family room at Premier inn, and those weekends could be fun adventures with them.

JudgeRudy · 27/03/2023 21:38

You have 101 reasons why this isn't working but you don't need any. It's your house and you've been more than generous. Tbh I don't think I'd want more than a month of just him, let alone the kids too.
Accomodation is expensive. It's not going to get cheaper anytime soon and he needs a place to live and have his children over. This isn't your spare room. He's you husbands friend and presumably he invited him (with your agreement) so your husband needs to give him notice to leave. A month should be enough. In the meantime he'll have to make alternative arrangements for his children. It's sad, but it's his problem.

ThinWomansBrain · 27/03/2023 21:42

so he's saving money by not paying rent - why can't he rent a travelodge room or similar at the weekend?

KarmaStar · 27/03/2023 22:05

Say no.people always have to ruin things when you give an inch they take a yard.
Say that last one was the very last one and in future they are not staying.don't agree to,or offer,a compromise.You are already doing a lot for him.
hopefully this will encourage him to look harder for a new home.
keep firm!😀

nuttynet · 27/03/2023 22:07

He is a huge CF

No wonder his marriage broke down

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/03/2023 22:09

Fine to say no. You are doing a great deal by having him stay.

I’m sure he’s just very focused on his relationship with them right now, so just be gentle telling him, but you can simply say it’s impacting on your ability to work from home and your family down time, so sadly it’s just not possible.

Yogazmum · 27/03/2023 22:15

Wow, you’re being more than accommodating letting him stay so long.
I would say that as you need to WFH at the weekend, unfortunately it won’t be possible for
him to have the children over anymore as you need the quiet.
You need to suggest he takes them to a
Travel Lodge if he wants to be with them overnight.
You also need to have a chat about how long he stays with you. It sounds like he’s settled
& enjoying life without the expenses that come with it!
He’s taking the piss out of you!

WigglyWaggly · 27/03/2023 23:01

Stressed85 · 27/03/2023 21:29

I think you are being unfair to be pissed off with him without actually telling him what you want him to do. If you want him to pay more or leave then tell him. He can't read your mind.
If he is a good enough friend to let stay in your house he is a good enough friend to be able to talk to.

We had friends plus their kid stay with us for nearly two months and we didn't fall out and I'm sure it was because I really thought about what I would like to happen beforehand and I told them. We got them to contribute to household expenses including boring things like loo paper and set up a cooking rota.

WigglyWaggly · 27/03/2023 23:02

I forgot to say that You are not being unreasonable to say that his kids can't stay.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 03/10/2023 18:53

Tell him they can sleep there until he finds an alternative but you need to work and do chores and so he needs to take them out to cinema/park/museum/walks for most of the day. And that they must not wake Dd before x’o’clock.

Robinbuildsbears · 03/10/2023 19:05

Is your daughter comfortable having a strange man living in her home?

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