Interfering MIL or

[RosaRosa]

I am a very happy and content SAHM of one two year old DD. In my previous life I worked and saved v.hard to enable me to stay at home and look after my DD, and we have a busy life together.

My MIL lives 30 mins away and has a daughter that lives around the corner from her with her family (inc. DD and DS). She works 4 days and my MIL looks after her kiddies a couple of days a week.

I have a v.close relationship with my Mum who lives 60 miles away and see her once a week. My MIL I think would like to enjoy the same privilege and spend a day a week with me and DD. However, I don't have a lot in common with her and she is a heavy smoker which I don't agree with in front of DD. I also feel that she thinks that her son pays for me to stay at home with my feet up (SO not true on both counts) and she is therefore not intruding.

I make excuses when she rings asking to come over and it's become a bit of a bug bear. I feel if she wants that kind of relationship she could spend time with her own daughter on her days off. DH and I make sure she sees us and DD once a fortnight.

Am I being unreasonable . . . ?

AbbyA - I am following you round agreeing with you. Wouldn't it be fab if someone did that in real life!

It would be lovely seeker! It is a bit of a novelty on here because I normally manage to upset someone! In RL I don't get the chance to give my opinions.

My MIL is not a particularly pleasant ML to have for various reasons but she is a FANTASTIC granny. She is also not the sort of person I would spend time with if she wasn't my MIL.
I was thinking about this yesterday actually when we were round there and thought about how much the dc's love spending time with her. We have had our problems in the past and in some ways she has really made an effort and I have compromised too.

I am glad I have as well because my children have both grannys nearby and see loads of both of them.

I've worked for 10 years to have a good relationship with my MiL, for dh to have a better relationship with his parents as he's an only child, and I worked at building up a relationship between them and ds even though they live across the Atlantic (such as staying on for 2 weeks extra when dh has to return to the UK for work). But what I couldn't do was change any part of their personalities and I can't change MiL from being a two-faced, woman-hating backstabber, or either of them from thinking only of themselves and their own needs. I've had enough and I will no longer have anything to do with either of them. I should have listened to dh many years ago instead of feeling bad for the in-laws because he didn't have much to do with them (nor they him until a grandchild came along) and listening to all MiL's bs about just always wanting a daughter, even though in her words all little girls are bitchy and manipulative. But I know she only thinks that because she is.

DH absolutely loves my mum and they have a great relationship, he will even phone her to chat to. My mum also has a great relationship with my brother's partner and my sister's partner.

These threads can't just be summed up by evil MiL, evil DiL etc. I've spent years telling people that despite certain things MiL was actually good at heart, but that heart has been revealed as black and shrivelled and FiL is narcissistic and juvenile. And, apparently, I'm a tad melodramatic

So, in answer to the OP, on the basis of what you've said, YANBU.

I don't think you should feel pressured to spend a whole day in the company of your MIL, and I certainly don't think your dc should be exposed to her smoky breath all day long. Of course, I'm not suggesting they never have any contact with her just because she smokes, but they don't need a whole day at a time, and if she's at all elderly, she would probably find a whole day a bit much for her.

Yanbu and in fact are being very kind to see her fortnightly. Smoking around DCs is something I am personally v unkeen on. Luckily I don't know anyone who smokes- getting so rare thank goodness.

Zombie thread!

RosaRosa - I think you sound lovely and like you already make a huge effort with your MIL. As PPs have said, why is this your responsibility? Why doesn't your DH see his DM more often?

I'd also be upset by the inference of you being a kept woman. I had similar from my ILs and it's so frustrating! In reality, DH and I earned roughly the same and we saved so I could take a year off as maternity leave. My job also provided large bonuses that funded our holidays and so on - so not quite the impression that the ILs had...

Anyway, it sounds like you have enough on your plate with your dad being sick and you can only do so much. Yes, it's nice to spend time with family (if you like them, obviously!) but your MIL would logically come second to your own father being ill. From what you've said, it sounds like DH can't be bothered and SIL just uses her for childcare. However, it's not up to you to have to fill that gap. Yes, see her as and when you can, but not to the detriment of other things.

One other thing I'd like to add is that IME, people's expectations can often be generational, e.g. both my DM and DMIL would expect me to be the one to organise visits, family birthdays, Xmas, that kind of thing, despite having a full time career until DD came along. It's as though this kind of thing is the woman's role (in their heads!) so whilst the expectation of facilitating visits to see DC is your responsibility in MIL's eyes, it really isn't! So don't feel guilty on that score.

I wish you luck and hope that your DF gets better.

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But if the husband is at work-how can he see his family often?

It probably won't work atm as OP has other commitments, but I'd far rather have given up my time in the week to see a MIL that I got on OK with, & for her to see her GC, than give up family time with my husband on an eveing/weekend.

Bollocks!

ZT!