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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Interfering MIL or

87 replies

RosaRosa · 12/02/2008 22:39

I am a very happy and content SAHM of one two year old DD. In my previous life I worked and saved v.hard to enable me to stay at home and look after my DD, and we have a busy life together.

My MIL lives 30 mins away and has a daughter that lives around the corner from her with her family (inc. DD and DS). She works 4 days and my MIL looks after her kiddies a couple of days a week.

I have a v.close relationship with my Mum who lives 60 miles away and see her once a week. My MIL I think would like to enjoy the same privilege and spend a day a week with me and DD. However, I don't have a lot in common with her and she is a heavy smoker which I don't agree with in front of DD. I also feel that she thinks that her son pays for me to stay at home with my feet up (SO not true on both counts) and she is therefore not intruding.

I make excuses when she rings asking to come over and it's become a bit of a bug bear. I feel if she wants that kind of relationship she could spend time with her own daughter on her days off. DH and I make sure she sees us and DD once a fortnight.

Am I being unreasonable . . . ?

OP posts:

FourPlusOne · 13/02/2008 08:51

I sometimes ask my PIL to babysit for a couple of hours even if I don't have to have them do it IYSWIM. They don't live too far away but are not at all interfering. I have 2 DCs so occasionally leave one with them and take the other swimming or something, or if I have to do some shopping that is difficult with dcS in tow then I may ask them to come to our house for a few hours while I pop out. We get along very well but I know in our case that it is the DCs who are the main attraction and not me! Could your MIL occasionally come over on a day when you need to get things done and then you can leave them together for a couple of hours? Obviously you'd have to make it clear that she is not to sneak out for a crafty fag whilst she is there!!

Original poster

RosaRosa · 13/02/2008 08:52

Abbeya - you are completely misreading what I have said and taking your own situation as the example.

To put the record straight, on numerous occasions we have asked not to smoke in front of DD. She doesn't for a couple of times then reverts back.

In the past I have been extremely kind and outreaching to my MIL, taking her out for days, calling her frequently (which I still do). My DH and SIL were more than happy for me carry on doing this without doing much themselves (my DH works long hours so I understand that) and stepped back and expected me to be the one to 'entertain'.

SIL doesn't to anything 'nice' with MIL, just drops and picks kids up, this is where I am coming from on that level. She should be the one finding time for her own Mum. She has two days off in the week when kids are at school and NEVER sees her Mum then.

It all changed when my Dad became v.poorly. He lives 60 miles away and visiting M&D sometimes takes up 2 days on top of the emotional strain it's put on us. Lots of things have chgd in my life as a result (I don't have time to see friends/have to miss DD activities). I also now resent (right or wrong) listening to MIL backstab her mates (which she loves to do), and I also know she has badmouthed me recently which has upset me. Also MIL and SIL have made references saying if I can bake my DD's b-day cake then it's time I got a job - this hit a nerve too . .

Thx for all your feedback tho, good and bad, it has made me think . . .

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 13/02/2008 08:53

At areal push invite her over at 12 for lunch and statethat you are seeing a friend (at her house) at 2. Then its not an all day thing...

AbbeyA · 13/02/2008 13:34

Sorry, RosaRosa , I was being a bit unfair to you and your situation-it just hits a raw nerve on here when people are so horrible about MIL. I am quite happy with my DSs but hope one day to have granddaughters and DiLs that I have a good relationship with and I do not want to be relegated to being second class grandmother merely because I had boys and not girls. Everytime it comes up someone puts in the cruel comment that they have their own mother and don't need a MIL to do things with!!
I know perfectly well that people have dreadful MIL and it makes life difficult but there are DIL who are dreadful. When my SiL tells people that she is going on holiday with MiL,SiL and BiL they commiserate!!! Since they don't know us, or anything about us, it is an appalling attitude to have! She loves coming on holiday with us and we have a great time.
I am not anywhere near being a MIL but it is one of the great disadvantages of having all boys and those of you with DSs should think that you will be the MIL one day!

jumpingbeans · 13/02/2008 13:37

Abbeya

VictorianSqualor · 13/02/2008 13:45

Only read the OP, yes, of course you are being unreasonable, it's not fair to allow and actively encourage one grandparent to have more contact than another for no good reason.
Getting on with her is not a good enough reason IMO.

As for the smoking, you can tell her you dont want her to smoke around DD.

alicet · 13/02/2008 15:44

For heavens sake I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect to have a different relationship with your Mum that your MIL. The fact they are your Mum does make a difference. The OP is hardly preventing her MIL from forming a relationship with her dd - quite the opposite - she sees her ever fornight! And from the sounds of things has lots of other reasons for wanting to see her won parents.

I would be the same.

And I am the mum of 2 ds's too. Think it will be up to me thought to form a good relationship with future DIL's so thy want to see me rather than feeling as though they have to out of duty

smallwhitecat · 13/02/2008 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BirdyArms · 13/02/2008 16:03

Can you get her to look after dd for you sometimes - or maybe not if you have asked her not to smoke in front of her but she persists? With my MIL it is really the children, rather than me, who she wants to see and she is very happy to look after them. Sounds like she is very capable if she has your sils children.

Original poster

RosaRosa · 13/02/2008 16:09

It's funny that only one person has wondered why DH doesn't do a bit more to ensure DD sees her Nana. . . I personally think he should nip up on a Sat morning for an hour while Mummy catches up on the ironing, but he always finds an excuse.

VictorianSqualor - think you need to read the updates it's certainly not 'for no good reason', my situation has changed.

I've learnt a lot by reading your thoughts on my situation, so thanks. One thing I know though, is that I am a very reasonable person with a big heart and I hate to think that someone is put out by my actions, so I intend to invite MIL over next week for lunch. Keep you posted x

OP posts:

DforDiva · 13/02/2008 16:12

You could visit her once a week, so your dd will see her and cousins. I think old people all think, once you are sahm, your dh is working for the family.
I dont like smokers, so i understand your feeling. Does she smoke at home in ront of children? If so your dh needs to talk to her. Im sure she will understand.

Original poster

RosaRosa · 13/02/2008 16:15

BirdyArms - although she clearly loves her GD, she is looking for companionship and friendship from me rather than looking after DD as she is tired from looking after her other GC.

She sees the extremely close relationship that I have with my own Mum (go out for the day together, phonecalls etc) and I think wants that for herself too. This is why I think she should look to her own DD for this, nothing to do with seeing GC.

OP posts:

Original poster

RosaRosa · 13/02/2008 16:20

DforDiva - there is NO WAY she would stop smoking in her own home in front of the GC. It would cause WW2 if the subject was broached (she is no pushover).

Seeing her every week is just not achievable given the time away I have visiting my sick Dad at the moment along with classes/groups that we go to.

OP posts:

Wisteria · 13/02/2008 16:31

I honestly think a whole day a week is far too much for anyone to expect of a busy Mum. Especially one who is travelling 120 miles for one day a week to see her own parents. You already see her once a fortnight so maybe one extra a fortnight for half a day might just be enough to keep it all on an even keel.

It's very difficult to strike a balance - I am not used to having family close by so do find the intrusion involvement difficult to manage.

I rather liked the seeing her for lunch idea. Could you arrange to meet her at a pub once a fortnight for lunch? That would solve the smoking problem as well.

I have had the pleasure of a lovely MIL so it's not a foregone conclusion that they'll be interfering and annoying but I must admit new dp's Mum is actually putting me off having more dcs and I know I'm being unreasonable!

BirdyArms · 13/02/2008 16:45

I think that once a fortnight is quite a lot already. My ILs live an hour away and we see them about once a month which feels like a lot and I get on with them fairly well. Could you alternate between family visits and meeting with just you and dd? That way you have more time to do other things at the weekends as well and she will feel like she's getting some time with you. I don't think that you should try to do more than once a fortnight, if you aren't naturally very close any more is going to feel like hard work.

MrsDanvers · 13/02/2008 22:04

RosaRosa, I think that you are a kind and thoughtful DiL and it is DH's responsibility, not yours, to see her more. If she had a better relationship with her own daughter do you think that she would be bothered about having one with you? Also, regarding the comment about you being a 'kept' woman- is she saying that she's paid all the bills 50/50 in her marriage? Any financial arrangements between you and DH are nothing to do with her.

leogirl · 07/07/2008 09:02

I see it as my DHs responsibility to see his own mother - I see mine and don't drag him along so don't see anything wrong with expecting him to take the DC to see her without me!! Lets face it, most mothers just want to see their sons (and their GC) to chat to, fawn over, feed, whatever ... without having to see their DIL at the same time (I am pretty sure my MIL think so anyway). My DH sees his mum twice a month at the most and it suits everyone !!!

AbbeyA · 07/07/2008 09:29

I think it is terribly sad to make one partner see their parents on their own with DCS. You are all part of the same family. I can see that it would have to do if relationships had broken down completely but it is hardly ideal. When, or if, my DSs get married I will see it as gaining the DDs that I never had and will want to be friends and part of their lives, not some sort of inconvenience that has to be put up with for the 'good' of the children!
It seems very strange that any 'I hate my MIL thread will get to at least 3 pages in an hour but 'Ilove my MIL' thread hasn't got one page when it started 5 months ago!! The answer can't be that all parents of boys are terrible and all parents of girls are lovely! Therefore I can only think that it must be a difficult relationship-perhaps jealousy comes into it (on both sides).

lucyellensmum · 07/07/2008 10:30

I think you are being unreasonable actually. My MIL would drive me nuts, but you just have to put it down to MIL law. I would insist that she doesnt smoke around DD, as i do with my mother and mil. But make the effort, you could be missing out.

Rosaline · 07/07/2008 11:14

AbbeyA, I do feel that you must be speaking from the perspective of someone who has a nice MIL. They do vary a lot you know. Just because you have been lucky, doesn't mean that we all have. And I also have 3 boys and am well aware of the whole future DIL issue.

Once a fortnight sounds quite reasonable to me. If I was the OP, I would do as her SIL does, and use the opportunity to go out for the day and get things done whilst MIL is looking after her DD.

AbbeyA · 07/07/2008 11:29

I have got a nice MIL but I am so saddened by the negativity. A thread started about nice MILs in February has failed to get even a page worth of replies! Not all mothers of sons can be horrible!!!Before I came onto mumsnet I was assuming that on marriage I wouldn't lose my sons but that I would gain daughters but I am no longer so sure!!

Uriel · 07/07/2008 11:33

AbbeyA, look at the mil thread in chat. It's not who you are, but how you behave.

FWIW, I prefer my mil to my mum.

ranting · 07/07/2008 11:33

But Rosaline, the OP hasn't stated that her MIL is awful, she just said that she has nothing in common with her, that is not her MILs fault now is it?

Yes there are terrible MILs (I mean truly terrible) but there are also very unreasonable DILs and I think tbh the OP is being unreasonable.

I totally agree with AbbeyA on this but, then my ds is a teen so I will no doubt be a mil myself in the not that distant future.

jellybeans · 07/07/2008 11:34

YANBU I would say once a month is ample. My MIL is very domineering and only by keeping her at 'arms length' (advised by counsellor) can we all get along. She sees DC about once a month and it is civil but it took a long time for her merely to say 'hello' to me when she came round or to realise that we had our boundaries (she used to refuse to ring before coming round as she said why shoul she 'make an apointment to see her own son.').

I have DDs and DSs and do not automatically expect to be heavily involved with future GC although it would be nice and I will do my best to get on well with future DILs/SILs. I would never act like my MIL has. Just because you are a grandparent doesn't give you the right to interfere or be nasty, people should not tolerate nasty MIL.

LazyLinePainterJane · 07/07/2008 12:03

hang on, hang on....this woman hasn't even done anything! Talking about evil MIL's is one thing, but all the OP says is that she feels like the MIL thinks these things about her.

Which says more about the OP's insecurities than it does about the MIL, who it seems, just wants to spend some time with her DIL and GC.

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