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Original poster

Unsure of what to do with this situation with kids dad

32 replies

killwithkindness123 · 27/03/2023 00:24

Long story short... Ive two small kids. My ex walked out 6 months ago after 20 yrs together. Found a younger woman and she was pregnant within 2-3 weeks of him leaving.... (that's a whole other matter which I'm finding hard)

But my kids dad tends to get himself into bother when drinking. He was off it for 10 yrs with my help as he got himself into a lot of drunken fights and a drink driving etc
So when he left here he went back to using alcohol at the weekends as a coping mechanism when he didn't have the kids. Got himself into a few brawls one if which he's due in court for in a few months. He's since settled down again as the new gf is expecting but a few weeks ago after coming home from night in the pub (having manners) the car he was going home in was stopped and he was taken out and given a hammering by two men with bats. The pregnant gf and her mum witnessed the event. He's been unable to obviously see the kids as he's now in a leg brace and crutches. This was a planned attack for one of the brawls he was involved in

Now these men obviously didn't care who was there to witness the attack. I'm being told by people surrounding me if social services heard this and I was still sending kids every other weekend to their dad I would be seen as not safe guarding my children because it was an extreme attack, and because the men clearly wouldn't care if there had have been kids in the car. Their dad very much loves them, I've no doubt about that. But with hearing this about social services and that I'm not safe guarding my kids I'm unsure what to do.

What if this were to happen again? What if this isn't the end of this? Yes that coukd be an exaggeration but what if??? Should I be withhold the kids for a while?? Yet if I do ill be seen as the bad guy for stopping kids seeing their dad. Their dad isn't a danger to then but the consequences of his actions led to what happened to him. I'm petrified of if they ever witnessed something like that and their safety and I'm also afraid of being the bad guy and being bad mouthed by the kids dad and his family for withholding contact. I'm really unsure what to do and if this is true would I be considered not safe guarding the kids???

I need some strong advice/opinions on this or where to go from here. I'm at my wits ends not knowing what the correct action is to take. The man loves his kids and he loves them but this was so extreme I'm just worried incase something more comes of this and then part of me thinks I'm over thinking

OP posts:
Strainzer · 27/03/2023 00:32

Their dad is a danger to his kids if he is getting into situations like this, that his kids may witness and be traumatized by.

He's also making decisions to put his life at risk and arguably this makes him a pretty bad dad too if he can't consider the consequence of his possible death or permanent injury on his kids lives.

He may need the push of serious consequences like not seeing his kids to decide to sort himself out. His kids need him to sort himself out for their sake as well as his.

I believe it's called tough love.

StressedToDeathhhh · 27/03/2023 00:34

Call social services, explain the whole situation, ask them to do a risk assessment. Don't send the kids off with him under any circumstances. He sounds absolutely ridiculous.

snitzelvoncrumb · 27/03/2023 00:37

You can’t put your children in danger like that. Let him have access supervised at someone’s house. Get social services to support you with this.

Original poster
killwithkindness123 · 27/03/2023 00:38

@Strainzer but how do I go about this and how do I go about this without coming out as the one who's the ba$tard for coming in-between him and our kids.
I've no doubt about it, I will be hated for this by him and his family and I'm sure the new gf will have something to say as well.

When I say he's a good dad, its because he does genuinely love his kids, honestly I don't doubt that for a second & they love him

But I am worried. I'm glad he's OK obviously but it has made me think jesus what if this happened and the kids had have been there. I meant they weren't, therefore I wonder if I'm just being over the top. But part of me also thinks is this a risk I'm putting them into, regardless of how much love there is between them and their dad??

I just know that even though I'd be doing this out of the safety of my children, it will be said I'm doing this out of spite as he has moved on and got someone else pregnant immediately. Feel like I can't win.

OP posts:
CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 00:40

What means more to you? His feelings, or your kids? End of.

Original poster
killwithkindness123 · 27/03/2023 00:41

@snitzelvoncrumb when he left he moved back to his parents home for the time being. Him and new gf basically both living there. It wouldn't really be supervised access though as obviously his parents will side with him and I'm the delusional one. So they'll still be able to go out and about with him and new gf in the car.... remember he was taken out of a bloody car and had this done to him in front of her!

OP posts:
Original poster
killwithkindness123 · 27/03/2023 00:45

@CupidStuntt you have said exactly what others have said to me, I understand your point.. Fact of matter is it will be said I'm controlling him in regards to the kids, and I live in a small town with ppl who like to gossip and talk and I know it will be seen as I've took the kids away from a good father. Rather than I'm trying to protect the kids. I suppose I'm just wondering if others on here think I'm jumping the gun or being over the top. Or would you think this is the right road to go down for a while to see if this situation comes to no more?

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 27/03/2023 00:49

Protect your children, not your drunken violent ex.

Iflyaway · 27/03/2023 00:52

^^^

Exactly!

saltwater1985 · 27/03/2023 00:53

Call SS yourself and see what they suggest

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/03/2023 00:54

When I say he's a good dad, its because he does genuinely love his kids, honestly I don't doubt that for a second & they love him

If he’s that good a Dad he will be coming up with suggestions of how to keep his children safe…

If he doesn’t then I’d say you have two choices. Tell him that it’s access in public places - cafe, soft play etc - and the children are picked up and dropped off so they are not travelling with him. Or tell him no access until he comes up with a plan to keep them safe himself.

You could speak to social services yourself for their advice.

CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 01:08

I wouldnt care less who thinks I'm controlling, my kids top my list. Not my drunken tit of an ex, or his family, or the local gossips.

NumberTheory · 27/03/2023 02:12

I've no doubt about it, I will be hated for this by him and his family and I'm sure the new gf will have something to say as well.

This by itself really shouldn’t be a consideration - the git who dumped you for someone younger when you had two young kids and then got his girlfriend pregnant within weeks - why do you care what he and his family think of you? You shouldn’t give a toss about whether or not they think you are nice enough to your Ex (which is what this boils down to - they only care if you are making his life easier even though he doesn’t give a shit about yours and isn’t that concerned about his kids.).

When I say he's a good dad, its because he does genuinely love his kids, honestly I don't doubt that for a second & they love him

Loving your kids doesn’t make you a good parent. Thinking about your kids, acting in their best interests, sacrificing for them makes you a good parent. Loving them but leading a chaotic life that invites violence does not. In fact those kinds of actions bring into question what is meant by love - a love that will not override selfishness is not much of a love.

I think you’re running a bit scared of your Ex. And possibly still look at his actions through rose tinted, or at least somewhat fuzzy, lenses. You have described a man who was an alcoholic, got sober - with your help - but relapsed once he had kids, found everything too much. He went off with another woman. Started drinking and he got in fights. He got his new girlfriend pregnant weeks after moving out and leaving his kids. He is too self centered to think about how his actions might affect you, his kids or his pregnant girlfriend and will, along with his family, be vile to you if you try to safeguard the kids.

He sounds like a huge waste of space with a toxic attitude and a toxic family. I think you should be looking for ways to minimize his impact on your and your kids lives. Social services might be a way to do that. Moving away might. Even just not doing anything above the very minimum to facilitate his access to your kids might be enough.

HoppingPavlova · 27/03/2023 03:40

He’s not a good dad. Good dad’s don’t act like he does, acting like a dick in pubs, getting into brawls, going to court for his behaviour, carrying on to the extent of being stopped by thugs and being beaten with baseball bats etc. That’s not a good dad.

TheSandgroper · 27/03/2023 03:43

Ring social services. Get yourself on the front foot there.
Within the family, around town and to your ex, say very firmly “My children come first.” And that’s all you need to say. Take no shit on the subject.

And file your divorce papers if you haven’t yet.

canfor · 27/03/2023 04:13

No one needs to know that it was you who called social services, your story can be that they just they got in touch...maybe it was someone at the school...

Keep your kids safe, their dad is volatile right now.

Sortyourlifeout · 27/03/2023 04:56

Why are you worried about what people think of YOU?!

He has put your kids in danger and you have to look out for them. Next time, he might not just take a battering; they might take the car with him in it. What if your kids are in the car?

Protect your kids. Call social services.

Goodread1 · 27/03/2023 06:02

It's his own fault, he is putting himself into situations like this instigating,

He sounds like a hot 🔥 head ready to explode whenever something triggers it,

He sounds a really Crap Dad and sooner or later
I am sooner your children by him will witness this kind of shit or even worse,

He could end the Dad being so badly beaten end up fighting for his life

I am obviously more concerned for your children 🙄 than their shitty Dad

If he lives by the Sword , he will die by the sword sooner or later,

Unless he seriously Wises up and that is if?
Men like this rarely change

Goodread1 · 27/03/2023 06:03

Oops typo mistake sooner I ment to say

Goodread1 · 27/03/2023 06:06

Supervised only Access vists only
Arranged by Social services or through the courts

I

Autienotnautie · 27/03/2023 06:27

I'd definitely speak to ss. Having been the vengeful ex I get what you mean. It's not easy to deal with a family like that but I agree you can't risk the kids seeing something like that. I would be honest with him and say how would he feel if kids were there? If they got hurt? Ask how he would protect them? If he just has a go at you, you have your answer. He wouldn't.

nats2010 · 27/03/2023 06:40

NumberTheory · 27/03/2023 02:12

I've no doubt about it, I will be hated for this by him and his family and I'm sure the new gf will have something to say as well.

This by itself really shouldn’t be a consideration - the git who dumped you for someone younger when you had two young kids and then got his girlfriend pregnant within weeks - why do you care what he and his family think of you? You shouldn’t give a toss about whether or not they think you are nice enough to your Ex (which is what this boils down to - they only care if you are making his life easier even though he doesn’t give a shit about yours and isn’t that concerned about his kids.).

When I say he's a good dad, its because he does genuinely love his kids, honestly I don't doubt that for a second & they love him

Loving your kids doesn’t make you a good parent. Thinking about your kids, acting in their best interests, sacrificing for them makes you a good parent. Loving them but leading a chaotic life that invites violence does not. In fact those kinds of actions bring into question what is meant by love - a love that will not override selfishness is not much of a love.

I think you’re running a bit scared of your Ex. And possibly still look at his actions through rose tinted, or at least somewhat fuzzy, lenses. You have described a man who was an alcoholic, got sober - with your help - but relapsed once he had kids, found everything too much. He went off with another woman. Started drinking and he got in fights. He got his new girlfriend pregnant weeks after moving out and leaving his kids. He is too self centered to think about how his actions might affect you, his kids or his pregnant girlfriend and will, along with his family, be vile to you if you try to safeguard the kids.

He sounds like a huge waste of space with a toxic attitude and a toxic family. I think you should be looking for ways to minimize his impact on your and your kids lives. Social services might be a way to do that. Moving away might. Even just not doing anything above the very minimum to facilitate his access to your kids might be enough.

This.
You owe him nothing.
He made his bed. Now let him lie in it and face the consequences.
Sorry you are in this situation OP. You need to pull up your big girl pants, put your kids best interests first and let him sort out his shit by himself. He put you and your babies in this position. It's not your fault.
Sending hugs. It is not going to be an easy road ahead for a while. X

YukoandHiro · 27/03/2023 06:46

Call social services. Let them decide what to do. Claim you had nothing to do with it and someone else must have tipped them off.

YukoandHiro · 27/03/2023 06:46

(And in the meantime definitely no unsupervised access)

whodafucisalice · 27/03/2023 06:51

Protect your children. Insist on contact somewhere safe, even if for the time being, if he's a good dad he will understand that and not want to put the DC at risk.