Unsure of what to do with this situation with kids dad

[killwithkindness123]

Long story short... Ive two small kids. My ex walked out 6 months ago after 20 yrs together. Found a younger woman and she was pregnant within 2-3 weeks of him leaving.... (that's a whole other matter which I'm finding hard)

But my kids dad tends to get himself into bother when drinking. He was off it for 10 yrs with my help as he got himself into a lot of drunken fights and a drink driving etc
So when he left here he went back to using alcohol at the weekends as a coping mechanism when he didn't have the kids. Got himself into a few brawls one if which he's due in court for in a few months. He's since settled down again as the new gf is expecting but a few weeks ago after coming home from night in the pub (having manners) the car he was going home in was stopped and he was taken out and given a hammering by two men with bats. The pregnant gf and her mum witnessed the event. He's been unable to obviously see the kids as he's now in a leg brace and crutches. This was a planned attack for one of the brawls he was involved in

Now these men obviously didn't care who was there to witness the attack. I'm being told by people surrounding me if social services heard this and I was still sending kids every other weekend to their dad I would be seen as not safe guarding my children because it was an extreme attack, and because the men clearly wouldn't care if there had have been kids in the car. Their dad very much loves them, I've no doubt about that. But with hearing this about social services and that I'm not safe guarding my kids I'm unsure what to do.

What if this were to happen again? What if this isn't the end of this? Yes that coukd be an exaggeration but what if??? Should I be withhold the kids for a while?? Yet if I do ill be seen as the bad guy for stopping kids seeing their dad. Their dad isn't a danger to then but the consequences of his actions led to what happened to him. I'm petrified of if they ever witnessed something like that and their safety and I'm also afraid of being the bad guy and being bad mouthed by the kids dad and his family for withholding contact. I'm really unsure what to do and if this is true would I be considered not safe guarding the kids???

I need some strong advice/opinions on this or where to go from here. I'm at my wits ends not knowing what the correct action is to take. The man loves his kids and he loves them but this was so extreme I'm just worried incase something more comes of this and then part of me thinks I'm over thinking

Hi op

I would echo what others have says be proactive and contact social services yourself for advice. Given the concerns with alcohol and threats to his life you need to step up now and safeguard your children.

In the meantime it would be best for him to have supervised contact in neutral location during the day. Does he have parents who you can bring into this to help supervise. If not can he nominate someone else. No further overnight stays also.

I would also seek legal advice about this because he may not agree with your plan and kick off. However it's great that your seeking advice on this op you seem aware of the concerns which is a start. Btw I'm a social worker.

The same gossips will hang you out to dry if something happens to your kids while they are in his care. It'll be all 'Why did she let him take them, with his lifestyle?'.

Your children are in danger from him. This is the priority - not other people's opinions!!

This to me comes down to whether or not you can have a reasonable conversation with him and whether he will understand/ accept your concerns.

If you can I would be speaking to him, expressing your concerns and stating that the kids cannot travel in the car with him, he needs to be careful where he takes them, needs to have someone else with him (gf/mother) who can take over with the kids and get them out of the way. I assume they'd be safe at his parents house? Maybe ask about security there?

If you can't have this conversation then yes - speak to social services and follow their advice.

@LittleOwl153 unfortunately no, he can be a very difficult man to talk to, very head strong & stubborn. He will just see me as being spiteful and I'm trying to take his kids away from him because he's moved on... While I'm obviously upset he's moved on with someone 14 yrs younger so quickly and abruptly and got her pregnant I still wouldn't keep the kids away from him.
I grew up without my own dad in the picture and its something I very much don't want for my own children and again our little kids think very highly of him. I would say there was an element of control within my relationship with him ,womens aid have been helping me to see this, but if I'm honest I've been through so much and according to my counsellor I'm suffering from cognitive dissonance and I blame myself for accepting a lot of things within the relationship.

So if I speak 1-1 with him regarding this I know it will be turned round that I'm controlling the situation with him and the kids. I suppose I already know the outcome from him and his response, I can already here it in my head. Since he left he's had access to the kids at any given time. Which was reduced of his own accord as he moved on with this girl. He then was taking kids one evening a week for leisure activities and then overnight stays eow....

But since the incident hasn't had the kids as he's unable to do anything for them but has been doing video calls. I honestly don't think mentally I can cope with being made out that I'm doing this as the jealous ex partner. The last 6 months have been extremely hard for me. I'm having to come to terms with a lot of things and I've had to take the blame for the relationship falling apart due to me losing myself after the birth of our second child after suffering PND and completely losing my identity. He says I didnt make him feel loved anymore so he took it from the very first person who showed him interest basically and this is where I'm at.

We both wanted to keep an amicable relationship for the kids sake but with so much pain & hurt on my end I had to retract to try and heal, which is why he thinks I'm controlling when he's sees/calls the kids and because I voiced my opinion on the new gf being round the kids all the time during his access. I just wanted him to be respectful as if the situation was reversed he would be furious with me. So voicing my opinion on that didn't go down well and was turned on me therefore I've no doubt saying to him about this incident and if the kids are safe will NOT go down well either and I don't have the strength to say it to him... Hes saying they got the wrong man etc and has lots of people feeling for him after such a vicious attack so yes he's gonna play the victim here of I got attacked and now my ex is using it against me with the children! The man just would not take into consideration the fears of what if and neither would his family. My mental health has been really affected by everything and my self worth so to know I'm gonna have to face being the bad guy is really upsetting me and I'm afraid of repercussions from him

Ring Womens Aid again, NOW. You need the support.

sending hugs and strength.

Then on that basis yes I would go straight to social services... u less you feel the support you already have contact with through Women's aid might be able to assist? They may help you talk to social services?

Please go and seek some support from Women Aid. Your ex sounds controlling and you are afraid of the repercussions so it makes perfect sense you are cautious with how you handle this. In this situation you need and deserve support and this is what Women's Aid is there for.

You may have him accuse you of things and other people judging you - but they would be in the wrong. Your situation is complex and you know that - you are doing a smart thing to reach out for help and ideas, and my best advice would be to go and speak to someone at Women's Aid, they will understand what you are dealing with.