Husband promised to make decisions about investments together after we lost all our money last year. He broke the promise. Found out his friend has been encouraging him to invest without my input. Am I reasonable to be fuming?

[mumwhodances]

My sense of safety and security is all gone - am I over-reacting here?

I posted here before about how husband got swept up in Crypto a few years ago and turned him into an obnoxious horrid person.

We then faced “financial ruin” due to crypto tax. That didn’t happen but the stress was immense.

Husbands friend is a millionaire (through Crypto) and is shallow, arrogant and has been disrespectful to me many times.

Long story short - I also got swept up in husband’s high risk investing mindset too. After some persuasion from husband I put my £26k savings into a risky (not Crypto) stock in 2021. I take full responsibility for this.

This sounds like the most idiotic thing in the world but the company was legit and promising - bur it was Covid treatment related and didn’t pass it’s trial. Stock plummeted 90%. Husband sold. I’m still in.

After this uttter craziness and devastation - he agreed all investments would be run past each other.

For context, I stopped working during the pandemic to look after our 1 year old - and had horrendous Long Covid to deal with which took a long time to recover from.

We live rurally with no family childcare support and both made the decision that due to husbands career (he’s a junior doctor) I’d be available all the time for childcare and errands, and help him with his career - as this allowed him to maximise his earnings with extra shifts, study etc.

I contribute - just not financially. I got paid a small “wage” or allowance I guess, and husband had sole access (this is changing now)

So my husband came back from spending time with his friend recently and TOLD me - I’m investing £5k in crypto. Like our promises never existed.

He then did not tell me the true state of our finances - making out we had more than we have….so I agreed to half. Since then I found another high risk £1.5k trade - hidden from me.

It transpires his friend has been encouraging him to do invest without my knowledge. When I found out about it, he told his friend I was upset - his friend said “who earns the money though?”

My husband was going to invest £5k out of our £10k emergency / house deposit fund into Cryptocurrencies - and the friend thinks I shouldn’t know about this??

It’s made me realise I need to earn money myself ASAP - I’ve been freelancing where I can, but my DD’s frequent illness and having limitations on childcare has really made that a non-starter.
I got a job interview - they wanted Tuesdays. Nursery don’t have any space. Tried childminders - they’re full. Two different nurseries? she starts school in sept.

I look at my husband and I just don’t trust him any more. He denied there being an issue with what he did for practically a whole week - leaving me to suffer in silence as felt I couldn’t tell any one.

However he is handing over the financial reins to me now and we’ll have joint accesss - I’m managing and budgeting. he’s also agreed to marital therapy but this of course costs money too.

Please don’t tell me it’s my own fault for choosing to not work. For a long while I was barely functioning after Long Covid, then I have really tried with freelancing (decent jobs are quite a drive away) and this takes time to build up. I just feel so trapped and let down.

I wouldn’t be asking to consult on investments had my husband not made such terrible errors of judgement. I know I did too - which is why I wanted us to assess the risk together.

What an awful friend - egging him on to invest when he knows our financial difficulties. He told him “it’ll get better”. And when I was upset after husband broke his promises to me “Who earns the money?”

I can never match his earnings - especially since moving away rurally. So according to his friend he can spaff all HIS money up the wall on “investments” as he earns it. How irresponsible.

I feel so lost and trust no one anymore.

Even before the crash, the average cryptocurrency investor lost money on their investment.

This is basically a gambling addition.

Get rid.

Things didn't improve since the last thread then?

You're right. You need a full time job. You probably also need to separate.

I agree, he has a gambling addiction. DH was an FX trader for a well known bank for 30yrs, he then moved to a smaller firm to do FX again, but they also decided to see if there was any money to be made in crypto. They tried for 18 months with all the right risk management strategies in place (as you’d expect from a trading firm), before deciding the whole thing is just gambling. DH won’t touch crypto with a barge pole and he’s traded all his working life. It sounds like your DH needs some proper help. I’m so sorry for all the stress this must be causing.

Your DH is addicted to gambling. Will he seek help?
DH is a highly qualified, experienced financial
investor. It is his job. He won’t touch crypto with a barge pole - either professionally or in our personal investments.
In your situation I would be taking responsibility for all financial matters. DH would be either getting an allowance or there would have to be mutual agreement about any investments and spending over a certain amount.

I remember the previous thread. agree that your DH is an irresponsible gambler. Do not invest ANYTHING in crypto - it is high risk and you could lose it all.

put any spare money in an ISA where it is locked up and you can't get it out for 3 months or more.

keep control of the finances and don't let DH make any investment decisions.

You say that you accept your part in the loss of your investments, but I do get the feeling that inside yourself you are putting ALL the blame on him. However, that being said, his so called friend, is no friend at all, and I can't help wondering why, having lost the money you have, you are continuing to invest in further risky projects, why not just put your money away safely in long term accounts that you can't take it out of, while still allowing yourself some leeway to access cash if necessary for house expenses, car, etc. I'm getting the feeling that you are both looking for some get rich quick scheme in order to catch up with your so called 'friend'. At this stage, in your shoes I would be parting ways with this untrustworthy husband of yours, and moving back with your child to somewhere where you can work, and find suitable childminding facilities. You are NEVER going to get rich with a DH like this one!

Has the friend really made big money in Crypto....??.....does the friend get a big kickback if H invests....i would be wary of friend and evaluating the whole relationship with him and the get rich schmes.......if they worked , the world would be full of millionaires. As commented, I think you like the schemes also.

As for liking the schemes - I get why that might come across as I agreed for half to go in.

That was my mistake - I categorically didn’t want it in there, but DH earns all the cash, his mum is really unwell - I felt like I couldn’t say no, the way he asked me. And this was when I thought we had much more saved than we currently do.

Unless you can agree to see a financial advisor - - a qualified one. Split up. You're not good for each other and will end up both penniless and destitute.

It's a gambling addiction essentially thinking that you can make back what you lost and more. You need to lock the money for the house deposit up for at least a year in a longer term savings bond so it's secure and there for the deposit when you need it. I would consider telling DH to cut ties with this 'friend' who obviously doesn't have either of your best interests in mind

You need a full time job so you can have financial independence ready for when his gambling addiction goes completely tits up.

My window cleaner is big in the world of crypto, told me 3 years ago he’s gonna be rich…he’s still washing my windows!

They’ve lost 50k+ of their 60k house deposit savings and he’s barrelling on, it’s already gone almost completely tits up.

It’s time for OP to leave and stop allowing this man to gamble with her and her children’s current stability and future prospects.

I would be fuming too! You had an agreement which he has completely disregarded, despite bad losses in the past. You are a family unit and it's not simply HIS money to risk.

You have to ask yourself if you can get the trust back - hopefully counselling will help you answer that. The fact he's sharing everything now is progress I guess, but is it too little too late?

For context, I am quite into crypto myself and I suggested to my DH that we invest a small % of our joint savings. We discussed and agreed it, and I manage it (he's got zero interest). BUT we both went into it knowing it was very high risk and we might lose it all, and that was our joint decision. It's also money we can afford to lose, not a house deposit or rainy day fund. And if he'd said 'no', I'd have respected that. Because we're a team.

You need to get a job asap I'm afraid and get him to invest in your pension before he invests in anything else. You're funding him building up his earning potential and pension pot at the expense of yours in both those areas. Anything paid in your pension is completely untouchable by him and offers a little bit of future security.

And then get off the ship that is so clearly sinking.

It's incredibly sad what has happened, but the worst thing you can do now is think about that or even allow yourself to feel it. You need a life raft for you and DC. You cannot and will not be able to rely on him.

I'm sorry he's like this. He's not going to change though.

YANBU you should be the one controlling all the money as he is not capable of doing it sensibly.

I would be fuming too.

Even though you don't earn you are supporting his career by looking after your child who is the responsibility of both of you. I would certainly be returning to work though as you cannot trust him.

This man is not a friend and your husband has a gambling problem. Crypto is not investing.

The friend is a red herring. Your problem is your husband.

It kinda sounds like you both lack actual proper financial knowledge.

People who invest for financial independence do so in a very different way to what you and your husband have done and continue to do. The knowledge is freely available out there, it's just a longer more dull process than gambling on The Next Big Thing.

Your H's behaviour would be a total dealbreaker for me. Absolutely get sorted to bring in your own salary and prioritise this by whatever means possible. Then divorce the guy, before he pisses any more of your assets up the wall.

I assume you’re in rented accommodation. Do you have family you could move in with temporarily while you sort yourself out with a job?

It is mind blowing that, after (idiotically) gambling most of your savings on a high-risk investment, your husband wants to gamble what’s left on crypto. He’s either an idiot, an addict, or both. After reading your other thread too, I hold out very little hope that he will see the light.

It’s shit that his friend is encouraging it but that’s a minor issue.

You need to, in every way, cut your losses.

People may disagree with me, but even DH - who isn't averse to a bit of gambling, oops sorry high risk shares - has moved everything to cash in his pension and told me to do likewise. Stock market is in free-fall, so for the next year or more or less depending on conditions, cash is the only safe place to be.

Use this market to give yourselves a break. If you really want to give him a last chance this is it. Transparency on all the savings, and if he invests any without your knowledge you leave.

But yes you need a job, I wouldn't trust the guy either.

If you are only renting can you move somewhere that has better job prospects? You need to be financially independent so you can break away and secure your and your children’s future.

Wtf are you doing? Get away from this loser before he ruins you both financially. What's he going to do when he runs out of money? He will borrow and put you both in the shit. He doesn't care about you. Move on ASAP.

With 10% inflation cash investments are losing value. There is no easy answer at the moment.

I remember your last thread. I think I advised you both to stop these silly naive investments. You’ve lost so much.

His deception and sheer idiocy has ramped up somewhat. I don’t see anything good in the future of this relationship. I’m glad you’ve seen you need to work. Do you have a career you can return to?