Husband promised to make decisions about investments together after we lost all our money last year. He broke the promise. Found out his friend has been encouraging him to invest without my input. Am I reasonable to be fuming?

[mumwhodances]

My sense of safety and security is all gone - am I over-reacting here?

I posted here before about how husband got swept up in Crypto a few years ago and turned him into an obnoxious horrid person.

We then faced “financial ruin” due to crypto tax. That didn’t happen but the stress was immense.

Husbands friend is a millionaire (through Crypto) and is shallow, arrogant and has been disrespectful to me many times.

Long story short - I also got swept up in husband’s high risk investing mindset too. After some persuasion from husband I put my £26k savings into a risky (not Crypto) stock in 2021. I take full responsibility for this.

This sounds like the most idiotic thing in the world but the company was legit and promising - bur it was Covid treatment related and didn’t pass it’s trial. Stock plummeted 90%. Husband sold. I’m still in.

After this uttter craziness and devastation - he agreed all investments would be run past each other.

For context, I stopped working during the pandemic to look after our 1 year old - and had horrendous Long Covid to deal with which took a long time to recover from.

We live rurally with no family childcare support and both made the decision that due to husbands career (he’s a junior doctor) I’d be available all the time for childcare and errands, and help him with his career - as this allowed him to maximise his earnings with extra shifts, study etc.

I contribute - just not financially. I got paid a small “wage” or allowance I guess, and husband had sole access (this is changing now)

So my husband came back from spending time with his friend recently and TOLD me - I’m investing £5k in crypto. Like our promises never existed.

He then did not tell me the true state of our finances - making out we had more than we have….so I agreed to half. Since then I found another high risk £1.5k trade - hidden from me.

It transpires his friend has been encouraging him to do invest without my knowledge. When I found out about it, he told his friend I was upset - his friend said “who earns the money though?”

My husband was going to invest £5k out of our £10k emergency / house deposit fund into Cryptocurrencies - and the friend thinks I shouldn’t know about this??

It’s made me realise I need to earn money myself ASAP - I’ve been freelancing where I can, but my DD’s frequent illness and having limitations on childcare has really made that a non-starter.
I got a job interview - they wanted Tuesdays. Nursery don’t have any space. Tried childminders - they’re full. Two different nurseries? she starts school in sept.

I look at my husband and I just don’t trust him any more. He denied there being an issue with what he did for practically a whole week - leaving me to suffer in silence as felt I couldn’t tell any one.

However he is handing over the financial reins to me now and we’ll have joint accesss - I’m managing and budgeting. he’s also agreed to marital therapy but this of course costs money too.

Please don’t tell me it’s my own fault for choosing to not work. For a long while I was barely functioning after Long Covid, then I have really tried with freelancing (decent jobs are quite a drive away) and this takes time to build up. I just feel so trapped and let down.

I wouldn’t be asking to consult on investments had my husband not made such terrible errors of judgement. I know I did too - which is why I wanted us to assess the risk together.

What an awful friend - egging him on to invest when he knows our financial difficulties. He told him “it’ll get better”. And when I was upset after husband broke his promises to me “Who earns the money?”

I can never match his earnings - especially since moving away rurally. So according to his friend he can spaff all HIS money up the wall on “investments” as he earns it. How irresponsible.

I feel so lost and trust no one anymore.

I doubt he will change and it’s no good blaming the friend although I’d have nothing more to do with him.
You can try counselling but ultimately I agree that you need to be able to support yourself and your daughter.

For context - I work in the financial markets (mainly London listed equities-facing).

Crypto and life sciences investments are often described here as 'not for widows and orphans'. That is to say, they are so high risk that they should only be for people who can afford to lose lots of cash. Not for people who need their savings for life security.

Your DH is on a hiding to nothing. Every other person I meet in the square mile as been a 'crypto millionaire' (on paper) at some point - it means nothing. If it ain't fiat and fully regulated, it's just high stakes poker.

If you want to invest, open an ISA that's heavily exposed to mature, dividend paying companies with strong balance sheets. Cash is bad, growth stocks are bad. (This is not financial advice btw. See a qualified financial adviser!)

the bigger problem is that your DH is untrustworthy and you're living rurally so job options are presumably limited. Find a job where you can work from home, and tell him that you make joint decisions on investments or you're seeking a divorse. His behaviour is NOT acceptable.

And please please please stop making 'high stakes investments'. You'll just lose everything you've both been working for.

This is without doubt gambling addiction. The only reason he keeps investing is because he's chasing the big one. Kidding himself he will get his losses back one day. But that day won't come. This is make or break. He either stops or you end the relationship.

Great advice.

I wondered if you could recommend any financial advisors at all please - you can DM me!

He's gambling.

Get access to the private keys of all of the cryptocurrencies that you have and put them in a 2/2 multisig immediately.

That way neither of you can trade unless you both sign to approve it.

you guys need to stop investing into some of this unverified platforms, i once fell victim to this ,it was a bitter experience, even thou intelalpha1 on telegram was able to help, but i will never advice anyone to continue investing, just find a job and invest into real estate.

He's a gambler. Doesn't matter whether he's blowing his JSA in William Hill or spaffing your household income and savings on a dubious return. He's a devious liar and won't change. Good luck with him.

If you were my DD I'd be telling you to jump ship while you still have some savings left.

@mumwhodances I know this is an old thread, but I wondered how the original poster is doing? I've been searching for threads like this is I've found my OH got himself into a similar situation. We are separating because he could have lost our home before he was found out. It's awful, scary, and I feel so sad for OH as its a mixture if being totally scammed but also the repetitive actions of gambling. So sad. Just wondered how you are doing. I had no doubt it was over as he put our financial security and future at risk.