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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like my mother in law is out of order

47 replies

majormumma · 26/03/2023 21:00

Became a sahm (if that’s even the correct terminology) last year.

Now with cost of living I’ve taken on a very “flexible” job from home as my husband has been struggling. Job is laptop based, customer service role.

Havent got a great support network but always could rely on my MIL with DS1, she really was amazing help when I was working. MIL had him once a week, to
lessen childcare cost and because she wanted too. With DC2 I asked if she’d be happy to do the same (at the time I was working) and she said she’d of course have DS2 in same way she had DC1)
For some additional context MIL works very very hard still and has DC2 on her day off so of course, I am mindful of that. (DC1 now at school)

Wednesday is her day to have kids and help me (I know I’m very lucky!) obviously when I was not working it was very much adhoc, as and when if she could have them and let me clean for example but wasn’t a set in stone plan as wasn’t necessary.

Now I’m working, have told my employer, Wednesday is a good day (checked in with MIL) to pick up 2/3 hours of work.

now MIL consistently can’t help Wednesdays as other things on… I feel let down but also highly triggered around being “let down” so possibly over sensitive. This job I’m now doing is literally to give me a tiny bit of “pocket money” but involves me concentrating on a screen for 2-3 hours and so impossible to do with DC2.

The only other times I get to work are a window of opportunity when DC2 naps, 1.5 hours a day. Did tell my employer (ahead of agreeing with MIL) that Wednesday is great, MIL is around and off I go to get some money in.

Now, I don’t want to rock the boat, but should I even bother saying anything about this situation or should I just suck it up and accept that this job cannot work for me as I simply do not have the support network.

sorry long post thanks for sticking with me if you got this far!!

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 26/03/2023 21:05

I think you need to ask her to be honest about whether she’s realised that a committed day of childcare every week is too much for her, and that you just need to know so that you can arrange alternative childcare rather than never know whether she’ll be able to take DC. But without any accusatory tone about being “let down.” You say she still works and works hard, she’s probably worn out doesn’t know how to break it to you that she isn’t up to providing regular childcare any more.

Hankunamatata · 26/03/2023 21:06

You said yourself it was an ad hoc arrangement for Wednesdays. Did you check with mil before taking the job she could def provide childcare every Wednesday? If she works other week days I can see why she couldn't have dc on her day off if she needs to do something

Dacadactyl · 26/03/2023 21:07

Has she said why she can't help on a Wednesday? And what has changed?

My personal opinion is she has been good in the past and is still working herself. She is having your child on her day off.

Is there any opportunity to work those 2 or 3 hours in the evening? Could you ask your employer?

Are you willing to consider childcare for those hours (if not, i totally understand why as an exSAHM), or maybe a reciprocal arrangement with another mum you know?

FWIW, I don't think you should feel aggrieved that she can't commit to regular childcare. My MIL wouldn't even look after my well behaved 8 year old for a couple of hours after school, 2 days a week. And she wasn't even working.

SnarkyBag · 26/03/2023 21:12

YABU to suggest someone providing free childcare on their own day off is “out of order” for not being able to commit to every Wednesday. You need to make other arrangements if you need solid childcare

FrumptyMumpty · 26/03/2023 21:14

Ok. Your MIL is not out of order. I think you know that really.

She did something above and beyond what was necessary.

Now she’s stopped and is having a typical grandparent role.

It’s funny because if she had never helped you, you probably wouldn’t be mad at her now.

Moving forward I think you just need to ask her, but in a way to not communicate your frustration at her having a life that doesn’t revolve around you.

Ask her as if your job doesn’t rely on it.

”I was wondering if you’d be able to have DS2 every Wednesday for a few hours? I’m thinking of getting a few pennies in but I’m struggling to find a position that is flexible. No worries if not but it would be super helpful.”

stopringingme · 26/03/2023 21:26

Can you not do your job in the evening or at the weekend and your husband looks after your children. (Or whenever he is not at work)

Noicant · 26/03/2023 21:32

It’s really not your MIL’s problem to solve, she’s already been very good to you and your DH. I would stick to being grateful for what you have received already and make other arrangements.

Original poster
majormumma · 26/03/2023 21:32

Thanks all for your replies. I think yes you’re right, if she never helped I wouldn’t be mad. I’ve never expected any help, but if help is offered and then retracted or changed without forewarning it can be anxiety inducing.

Maybe “out of order” should have been reworded, the title was written in angst. I know that I am lucky to get any free childcare but @FrumptyMumpty it’s a little unnecessary to say that I’m frustrated because her life doesn’t revolve around me. That’s simply not the case.

I am trying to survive like everyone else is. Getting a few hours of work that gives us money above the bare minimum. Of course I am appreciative of the help and try not to take it for granted. It’s the lack of consistency/ knowing where I stand that’s difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
majormumma · 26/03/2023 21:35

@stopringingme i can definitely do another job in the evenings/ weekends yes. This job was originally agreed on the premise of having some help on a weekday basis.

OP posts:
gooseduckchicken · 26/03/2023 21:48

If Wednesday is her only day off, I can see why she has other things on that day. She probably felt she couldn't say no to you after previously helping.

People with help from their parents do take the help for granted. Your first job option involved relying on MIL instead of working around DH's job. If you didn't have her help, you and DH would have sorted something between yourselves.

I think she has been quite decent in the past so I would be grateful for the help she has given you. What good would bringing it up do? She either refuses to help any further and feels hurt that you are only happy with her when she is helping you; or she agrees to commit to every Wednesday under duress and resents you for it.

Just find a job that works around your husband's job and let MIL be a grandma.

CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 01:20

The agreement sounded adhoc. It still sounds adhoc. You don't seem to mention that you sat down with her before accepting this job and checked that it would be OK as a weekly thing set in stone???

To say you're mad at her is cheeky as anything. It's not her problem it's yours. Just because you want pocket money you want her to give up her free day? I think you need to look elsewhere for your childcare arrangements.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/03/2023 01:35

I think it's appalling that you would have your MIL take care of your children on her day off. FFS, I think the woman has earned some peace and quiet, not being taken advantage of to care for her grandchildren. She's done her bit raising her own kids, it's time for you to take care of yours.

Tourmalines · 27/03/2023 02:05

I think you should just suck it up as you say . Surely you are not going to ask her again when she has already explained she can’t always be available. Don’t put the guilt trip on her , that’s not fair . She is probably getting tired and does not want the responsibility on her day off anymore.

PurpleParrots · 27/03/2023 02:33

YABU. Your MIL is entitled to spend her day off doing whatever she wants.

Followthebouncingball · 27/03/2023 02:40

YABU

QueenBee1234 · 27/03/2023 05:52

You do sound a tad entitled....
Get a job in the evening or at the weekend when your husband can parent his children.
Your MIL is most definitely not out of order.

Shoxfordian · 27/03/2023 06:08

Yabu, she’s not obliged to offer you free childcare every week on her day off

Pringleface · 27/03/2023 06:11

Triggered? Really?

Shemovesshemoves21 · 27/03/2023 06:20

I don't think you're unreasonable for thinking she's out of order. You asked her to look after DC2, and she agreed. You checked with her that Wednesdays worked for her before agreeing with your employer, and she said yes. She's now suddenly changed her mind and left you in an awkward position.

There's nothing you can do about it, so I wouldn't say anything and look at alternative working arrangements, but it's not OK for her to have agreed and then left you high and dry.

Strictly1 · 27/03/2023 06:28

Shemovesshemoves21 · 27/03/2023 06:20

I don't think you're unreasonable for thinking she's out of order. You asked her to look after DC2, and she agreed. You checked with her that Wednesdays worked for her before agreeing with your employer, and she said yes. She's now suddenly changed her mind and left you in an awkward position.

There's nothing you can do about it, so I wouldn't say anything and look at alternative working arrangements, but it's not OK for her to have agreed and then left you high and dry.

From OP
Did tell my employer (ahead of agreeing with MIL) that Wednesday is great, MIL is around and off I go to get some money in.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 27/03/2023 06:34

Strictly1 · 27/03/2023 06:28

From OP
Did tell my employer (ahead of agreeing with MIL) that Wednesday is great, MIL is around and off I go to get some money in.

Show quote history

Also from OP
Now I’m working, have told my employer, Wednesday is a good day (checked in with MIL) to pick up 2/3 hours of work.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 27/03/2023 06:36

Strictly1 · 27/03/2023 06:28

From OP
Did tell my employer (ahead of agreeing with MIL) that Wednesday is great, MIL is around and off I go to get some money in.

Show quote history

Also this in her follow up post:
I’ve never expected any help, but if help is offered and then retracted or changed without forewarning it can be anxiety inducing.

Username24680 · 27/03/2023 06:42

@majormumma Completely NOT why you posted but do you mind me asking a bit more about the job role? It sounds like exactly what I’m looking for! DS will start nursery this year (aged 3) and only LA nurseries are available, none of which have timing to fit around my work. I’m looking for another job similar to what you have described that may allow me to work from home during the times he is at nursery.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 27/03/2023 06:55

YABU. She probably agreed and it dawned on her that it was to much. She's not obliged to do free childcare.

Why can't you do it when they're in bed?

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 27/03/2023 07:04

Get a proper job and get childcare. Your income should go towards the family expenses - kids cost money - not your own pocket money. You seem to think all financial responsibility rests on your husband and despite him struggling with that, you keep your own income?

Overall you do sound self centred and entitled. Your MIL is allowed to have a day off and as a parent, you should be taking on your share of the financial responsibility for the children you had.