To feel like my mother in law is out of order

[majormumma]

Became a sahm (if that’s even the correct terminology) last year.

Now with cost of living I’ve taken on a very “flexible” job from home as my husband has been struggling. Job is laptop based, customer service role.

Havent got a great support network but always could rely on my MIL with DS1, she really was amazing help when I was working. MIL had him once a week, to
lessen childcare cost and because she wanted too. With DC2 I asked if she’d be happy to do the same (at the time I was working) and she said she’d of course have DS2 in same way she had DC1)
For some additional context MIL works very very hard still and has DC2 on her day off so of course, I am mindful of that. (DC1 now at school)

Wednesday is her day to have kids and help me (I know I’m very lucky!) obviously when I was not working it was very much adhoc, as and when if she could have them and let me clean for example but wasn’t a set in stone plan as wasn’t necessary.

Now I’m working, have told my employer, Wednesday is a good day (checked in with MIL) to pick up 2/3 hours of work.

now MIL consistently can’t help Wednesdays as other things on… I feel let down but also highly triggered around being “let down” so possibly over sensitive. This job I’m now doing is literally to give me a tiny bit of “pocket money” but involves me concentrating on a screen for 2-3 hours and so impossible to do with DC2.

The only other times I get to work are a window of opportunity when DC2 naps, 1.5 hours a day. Did tell my employer (ahead of agreeing with MIL) that Wednesday is great, MIL is around and off I go to get some money in.

Now, I don’t want to rock the boat, but should I even bother saying anything about this situation or should I just suck it up and accept that this job cannot work for me as I simply do not have the support network.

sorry long post thanks for sticking with me if you got this far!!

If it’s very ad hoc, why can’t you do it in the evenings or weekends when your husband is home to look at the kids? Or is it only your MIL that should use her time off?

I think your MIL would love to assist in a way that is beneficial to her relationship with DGS2 and in a way that is sustainable.
Take her out for coffee, without kids and just talk plainly and clarify the fact that you can work at other times but that it looks like Wednesday is not a good fit for her and would she prefer to not be involved in childcare.
Ask her outright what is her preference and be happy to know her thoughts and accepting of her right to do less.

MIL is older now and perhaps needs a bit of relaxation on her NWD, even if she doesn't want to say so.

I see this with my SIL. She has been looking after her DGD two days a week for 3.5 years, other GPs do 2 days as well. Her DS and DIL are pregnant again and everyone seems to assume that DGD will still be providing that level of care for a baby and young DC, even though she's getting older and wants to do a bit of traveling.

I get it's frustrating, but you need to look into another form of care, be that working a bit more so that a nursery place is worthwhile or something else.

Also can't you do the work in the evenings or weekends, when DH is around?

YABU and entitled. Your MIL isn’t able to / doesn’t want to look after your child. You were very lucky to have her look after your older child. But that’s five years ago, as your older one is now at school. I don’t know anyone whose in-laws look after their grandchildren. They all live too far away.

Did you or didn't you agree with mil she would mind DC on a Wednesday before you spoke to your employer?

It’s worrying that you say you wanted the job for a little bit of pocket money for you.

Do you not have access to a joint account in which dh salary, child benefit etc all go into?

@Strictly1 i actually did check with my MIL first ahead of accepting Wednesdays, the error was in my OP.

If she explicitly said that she would have your son every Wednesday and then keeps letting you down at the last minute then yes that's not really on. Committing to something then dropping out regularly with no notice is rude.

If this is the case then it's fine to say something as you need to know where you stand. Eg hi MiL, you agreed to have dc2 every Wednesday but you have cancelled the last 3 out of 4 so I've had to change my hours at work at the last minute and am in danger of not passing my probation. I wanted to see where we go from here and if you'd rather cancel this arrangement - there is no pressure from me as I understand you work and this is your only time off, I just need to know so I can arrange my work accordingly.'

Can't you work evenings or weekends? And if your husband is struggling, why is this job just pocket money for you? Can't you up your hours, get proper childcare and help financially?

This isn't the point of her post. The point is that she planned her working hours around her MIL, who agreed to help with childcare and has now left OP in the lurch. If MIL had just said "no" from the offset, OP could've arranged something different. She's asking if it's unreasonable for her MIL to change her mind with no notice and for her to (rightly, IMO) be miffed off at that.

@Verylongtime my mil wvr

Thank you @Shemovesshemoves21. That’s exactly it. I am of course appreciative I just feel left in the lurch a little!

Sorry I meant to say my MIL was actually offended when I suggested nursery as she had DC1 and it was her day to have kids. Her words not mine!

Your MIL is out of order to imply that nursery is in any way inferior or that to use it would be denying her a day with the kids. Quite frankly a nursery is no doubt preferable than leaving them with a granny who's still working herself and probably needs her day off to relax!

But aside from that, YABU. It was an ad hoc arrangement; she obviously bit off more than she can chew and now regrets offering so much.

Sort out and pay for proper childcare and let your MIL just be a granny.

@majormumma there is a really helpful thread which sets out ways to earn a little bit of money which you may find useful, https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/money-matters/4759761-ways-to-supplement-your-income?reply=124671720

Can you up YOUR hours at the drop of a hat? Can YOU get proper childcare at the drop of a hat?

If you can, lucky you. Some of us can't.

Find alternative childcare. Don't give up your job even though it seems like it isn't worth it after the childcare cost. Because your children are getting older and you will be keeping yourself in the world of work, with NI and references and that is sooo important... Don't leave a huge career gap or you will find it much harder to get work later on.

Be grateful for the work your MIL has done in the past - she said no this time - but perhaps in her view she has already done enough.

I can see why you are a bit hacked off as she seems to be going back on your agreement/ not taking your job seriously. Perhaps she doesn't understand the implications as it used to be ad hoc. I would just be saying, is it better for her not to do Wednesdays as it seems to have been difficult for her recently. And if not that's fine and you will look at nurseries. If she says she wants to do Wednesdays and lets you down again then go for an alternative childcare option (swop with a friend who has a child of a similar age?) and stick to it.

Oh really, just a tad?

Why yes, most of us can if we pay for it. It's the expectation that others will provide free childcare that is the issue here.

Ah Mumsnet. Where inconvenience is labeled anxiety inducing.