Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice on DS 16 and the friend he doesn’t want

28 replies

Surfingthewaves · 26/03/2023 20:33

Hi, I’m after some advice about a dilemma. Just for context both my son and ‘James’ are 16 and have ASD.

About 6 months ago my son met James at a youth club for young people with ASD. They hit it off straight away and became the best of friends. They went to each others houses and out together and had the occasional sleepover. I got to know James’ mum. She was lovely and confided what a difficult time James was having at school with bullying and how she was looking to place him in the same school as DS. I said this is great as James will already know someone.

James started at my sons school in January but my son started to not want to see James anymore. I asked him why and he said James is following him everywhere, and being controlling. I explained James had been bullied in his last school and was settling in so to cut him some slack.

Things continued to decline and I had another conversation with DS who said James had changed, he lies all the time, makes fun of his other friends and shouts in his face. Again, I encouraged my son to be kind.

James’ mum has texted me on a number of occasions to ask why my son doesn’t want to bother with James anymore. I’ve been kind but evasive. I feel really bad because I know James has had a tough time and his mum seems really nice but the fact of the matter is my son doesn’t like James anymore or want to be his friend.

My son no longer attends the youth club as he can’t get away from James.

I don’t know how to respond to texts from his mum, I want to be kind but I don’t know what to say.

Any advice please?

OP posts:
MoreSleepPleasee · 26/03/2023 20:38

How very annoying for your son. Must be horrible for him. If she asks say her son can be controlling, pushy, shouts in his face and makes fun of other kids. So surprisingly he doesn't want to be best friends with him.

DeeplyMovingExperience · 26/03/2023 20:38

I think you need to tell James's mum that the friendship has cooled and your DS has distanced himself. You could explain that your DS felt that James was getting a bit intense. You could say that it's nobody's fault, it's just the way teenagers are. I'm sure James's mum will understand.

Better that she knows not to push it, as she might have been encouraging James to pursue his friendship with your DS when he's best left alone.

PastaLaVistaBabee · 26/03/2023 20:39

Awww. Tough one OP. I'm so sorry your son is going through this. If it was me I'd invite the mum for a coffee out somewhere and explain the situation - explain how lovely you think her son is, how great it has been that the two seemed to be getting on so well, but that they seem to be going their separate ways now. Say you've noticed James relies on your son and empathise it must be hard for him to move away and find other friends - see if you can think of ways together. Maybe ask the mum if she's noticed a pattern of clinginess before where James latches on etc..

Sorry, that's all I can think of to suggest, but you need to protect your own son and he knows to know it's ok if he wants to distance himself from James etc...

SeaToSki · 26/03/2023 20:41

If you are honest with James’ Mum, you both might be able to help your sons rebuild a friendship and learn how to deal with tricky social situations going forward. I would approach it from that angle rather than James is upsetting your son

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/03/2023 20:42

This is such a shame. Moving James to your son's school was always risky - they would probably still have a perfectly viable friendship if that hadn't happened.

You will have to speak clearly to the mother, explain what is going on and make clear that your son doesn't have the skills to manage the situation, and needs to step back from the friendship.

AndTheSurveySays · 26/03/2023 20:43

Why are you telling your son to 'be kind' to a person that makes fun of people and shouts in his face?! Confused

aslkde · 26/03/2023 20:46

Kids need to navigate their own friendships. Encourage your son to be polite but he shouldn't have to be friends with anyone.

I would let the mum know that you can still be friends but it's obvious the boys have grown apart. The boys need to navigate this themselves and as long as your son is not unkind he should be allowed to cool the friendship without interference from adults.

piedbeauty · 26/03/2023 20:50

AndTheSurveySays · 26/03/2023 20:43

Why are you telling your son to 'be kind' to a person that makes fun of people and shouts in his face?! Confused

This.

I'd support your son with this. Validate his feelings, don't tell him to be kind.

pizzaHeart · 26/03/2023 20:50

I think you need to approach it from different angles:
Firstly talk to James’s mum, I would start by txts but offer her chance to meet up,
@DeeplyMovingExperience advice is really good
then talk to school and youth club and explain the situation and ask them how they can help your son.

My DD has additional needs and I know that sometimes her peers can misunderstand her behavior and she herself can misunderstand some of her friends with additional needs.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 26/03/2023 20:51

Id reply... "Do you want the nice, neurotypical answer or the I have a kid with ASD and want the truth about their behaviour so I can help them socially answer?"

FrumptyMumpty · 26/03/2023 20:51

Keep it kind but honest.

”I’m really sorry that things don’t seem to be working out for my son and James.

My son was settled at his school with his friends and he did enjoy James company away from school but James being at the same school has created a big change for my son.

I hope that James is able to settle into school soon and he can start making more friends than only my son.”

DarkDarkNight · 26/03/2023 20:53

That sounds really hard. Do you think the mum really was planning to put James in that school all along or only after a James and your son made friends? Cynical me would say it was after.

It’s unfair of James’s mum to place all the burden of her son integrating into a new school on your son. He is not responsible for James’s problems as sad as it is he has been bullied. It sounds suffocating for your son. I would explain to James’s mum you like your son to have a wide circle of friends and not be reliant on one friendship which I don’t think is healthy for anyone. I would keep an eye out for it in school and make sure your son isn’t being harassed.

MagnificentDelurker · 26/03/2023 20:59

I was in similar situation with my daughter’s friendship. An honest discussion with James mum can help both.

The friendship might re start after a period.

Original poster
Surfingthewaves · 26/03/2023 21:12

MoreSleepPleasee · 26/03/2023 20:38

How very annoying for your son. Must be horrible for him. If she asks say her son can be controlling, pushy, shouts in his face and makes fun of other kids. So surprisingly he doesn't want to be best friends with him.

Well that’s quite direct 🤣 I was hoping to not upset her though!

OP posts:
Original poster
Surfingthewaves · 26/03/2023 21:12

DeeplyMovingExperience · 26/03/2023 20:38

I think you need to tell James's mum that the friendship has cooled and your DS has distanced himself. You could explain that your DS felt that James was getting a bit intense. You could say that it's nobody's fault, it's just the way teenagers are. I'm sure James's mum will understand.

Better that she knows not to push it, as she might have been encouraging James to pursue his friendship with your DS when he's best left alone.

This is good thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Surfingthewaves · 26/03/2023 21:14

AndTheSurveySays · 26/03/2023 20:43

Why are you telling your son to 'be kind' to a person that makes fun of people and shouts in his face?! Confused

Because I felt so sorry for James his mum had told me some awful things that had happened to him including being spat on 🥲

OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 26/03/2023 21:15

Be kind?

To someone who is being so unpleasant to him?

No. Look out for your son.

1FootInTheRave · 26/03/2023 21:16

You don't want to upset her but are quite happy with your son being upset.

Wtf.

Original poster
Surfingthewaves · 26/03/2023 21:21

1FootInTheRave · 26/03/2023 21:15

Be kind?

To someone who is being so unpleasant to him?

No. Look out for your son.

Yes I agree, I have also been understanding with my son’s feelings so he feels supported. I just feel so sorry for this family, the mum has had a rough time. James dad was abusive to her and her children, and she seems like a really nice person who’s had to deal with a lot of stress, I just don’t want to upset her.

My son has told me he feels suffocated and I don’t think James realises he’s shouting in peoples faces, but my son is sensitive to sound so this aggregates and upsets him further.

There’s some good points here how I can kindly handle this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Surfingthewaves · 26/03/2023 21:21

1FootInTheRave · 26/03/2023 21:16

You don't want to upset her but are quite happy with your son being upset.

Wtf.

Er no I don’t think you got that right

OP posts:
Original poster
Surfingthewaves · 26/03/2023 21:22

1FootInTheRave · 26/03/2023 21:15

Be kind?

To someone who is being so unpleasant to him?

No. Look out for your son.

Ah I see you’re one of those posters

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 26/03/2023 21:31

Look out for your son it's not actually your problem.

HamBone · 26/03/2023 21:35

DeeplyMovingExperience · 26/03/2023 20:38

I think you need to tell James's mum that the friendship has cooled and your DS has distanced himself. You could explain that your DS felt that James was getting a bit intense. You could say that it's nobody's fault, it's just the way teenagers are. I'm sure James's mum will understand.

Better that she knows not to push it, as she might have been encouraging James to pursue his friendship with your DS when he's best left alone.

I agree that @DeeplyMovingExperience ’s approach is the best one. Parents can’t and shouldn’t try to force 16-year-olds to be friends and friendships do just run their course sometimes.

My DD is the same age as one of my BFF’s DD’s. They were close until 14/15 and then drifted apart, it is what it is.

Quartz2208 · 26/03/2023 21:38

There comes a point where no matter how much we feel for the other child you have to put yours first. He has every right to not be friends and to move away as long as he isn’t unkind.

Tabitha888 · 26/03/2023 21:43

Support your son