Advice on DS 16 and the friend he doesn’t want

[Surfingthewaves]

Hi, I’m after some advice about a dilemma. Just for context both my son and ‘James’ are 16 and have ASD.

About 6 months ago my son met James at a youth club for young people with ASD. They hit it off straight away and became the best of friends. They went to each others houses and out together and had the occasional sleepover. I got to know James’ mum. She was lovely and confided what a difficult time James was having at school with bullying and how she was looking to place him in the same school as DS. I said this is great as James will already know someone.

James started at my sons school in January but my son started to not want to see James anymore. I asked him why and he said James is following him everywhere, and being controlling. I explained James had been bullied in his last school and was settling in so to cut him some slack.

Things continued to decline and I had another conversation with DS who said James had changed, he lies all the time, makes fun of his other friends and shouts in his face. Again, I encouraged my son to be kind.

James’ mum has texted me on a number of occasions to ask why my son doesn’t want to bother with James anymore. I’ve been kind but evasive. I feel really bad because I know James has had a tough time and his mum seems really nice but the fact of the matter is my son doesn’t like James anymore or want to be his friend.

My son no longer attends the youth club as he can’t get away from James.

I don’t know how to respond to texts from his mum, I want to be kind but I don’t know what to say.

Any advice please?

MN is crazy at times. Changed username for this reply, but I posted a thread a year ago and was literally in this position. The other Mum had put me in a position where I had to answer her, so it was either be honest and kindly tell her that my son just couldn't continue with the friendship, or lie to her and reply to say ah yes my son would love to meet up etc etc. I chose to be honest and tell her that the friendship was such a struggle for my son due to the lies/issues her son had caused (that she previously knew about because when it all first started we met up with a coffee to iron out the issues and she fully admitted her son was well known for causing these issues and friendships breaking down). MN responses went batshit on me saying how much of a terrible person I was for telling another Mum that my child was struggling with the friendship. And here you are getting opposite responses! By the way I fully agree with the responses on here, you need to look after your son. I've been there, he put up with it for nearly 2 years before I stepped in (after he asked me multiple times to because it wasn't resolving itself).

The Mum flew off the handle at me and labelled my son nasty for not wanting to be friends anymore, but he was OK accepting that because he knew it was lies and a weight is now lifted off his shoulders not being in that friendship.

Your son is 16. Encourage him to start sorting out his own issues and friendships.

I have 16 year old DD in a similar situation. She is likely ASD with sensory issues and social anxiety. She has a friend who is the male version of her. They went to same sixth form and initially were each others safety blanket but now she says he wants to spend every lunchtime with her. She also says that anyone she talks to assumes she is dating this friend as always together. She wants some space and feels suffocated but does not want to cause him hurt.
I kind of feel she needs to talk to him and sort it out. But that is easier said than done when you are awkward and struggle to read other people.
I talk to her and listen and make suggestions but am not getting more involved than that. However if his mother asked why they were seeing less of each other I think I would explain.
Encourage your son to be kind but also not put up with bad behaviour and maybe limit any time spent/ find other things to do that mean he is less available.
I really get your pain as I want my children to be kind advice all else but not at expense of their mental health.