How do people cope?

[jennyfromtheshop]

I don't think I've ever felt so burnt out in my life. I have a nearly one year old who is such hard work. I mean she probably isn't even that bad compared to some. She usually sleeps ok but she's been unwell a lot lately and I haven't slept properly in weeks. I haven't slept through a full night since she was born as she still wakes for a feed even when she's well.

I'm constantly up through the night with her at the moment. Then she gets up and I spend the day chasing her around or trying to keep her busy. Sometimes I go to Asda just so I can confine her to a trolley for a bit. Her naps are all over the place. So is her eating. Everyday I feel like I'm drowning in housework. I never get any time to myself to just relax. When I put her to bed in the evening I might get an hour before she starts fussing and that's it. I've put on 2 stone and look like shit because I don't have the time or energy to look after myself anymore.

My dh is good but he works long hours and I have no family help. Sometimes I would just love a night away in a hotel to myself just so I could just sleep. Because I've been the main carer for so long dd doesn't settle well for dh. And she's been so unwell lately I don't feel like I can leave her anyway.

I'm just utterly fucked to be honest. Life feels frantic, chaotic and mundane all at the same. I can't remember when dh and I last had any quality time together. I know it will get easier as she gets older but right now it feels like everyday is a battle. Is anyone else in the same boat? How do you get through the days?

It's very hard. I remember the first time I had time-out with my dc was when they went to nursery at 2. 24/7 before that everything was my responsibility. It was isolating and relentless.

Would it be possible to get her in a routine for naps and eating?

@Hankunamatata for a long time she was in a great routine and would nap reliably at the same time everyday, then after her first bout of illness it all changed. Some days she will go down with no fuss for 2 hours (rate though). Other days she won't sleep all day at all. The uncertainty makes it hard to make plans.

The eating is similar. Some days she will eat lots, other days she refuses anything. She's always been a picky eater to be honest but that also got much worse after illness. When she was poorly she barely ate at all and it seems to have set our weaning journey right back.

Isolating and relentless is exactly right @WhoStoleMyTiddyOggy I love her dearly and she brings me a lot of joy but right now life feels absolutely shit.

One thing that helped me with bed times was getting a ceiling projector and my littlr girl would still be awake but would watch it and often fall back to sleep. It also helped with the separation anxiety that most babies go through around 18 months old. I also learned to let her cry and not always go running in but this was hard.
Also, I used to go for walks and put her in the buggy and she'd fall asleep (time if for their usual sleep time) and then once she was asleep, sometimes I would creep back home and then leave her in buggy sleeping while I napped on the sofa.

Sometimes I would even take her to bed and we'd both nap in my bed during the day.

They all go through phases of not sleeping, and it is blimmin hard work.

I don’t think I could cope, day in day out with nothing but an unpredictable one year old for company and mental stimulation. I could maybe be at home every day with my 3 yo, he’s a lot more predictable and interesting (although still exhausting now he doesn’t nap). But I genuinely was so happy to go back to work part time after maternity leave. I also found that my ‘unroutinable’ child fell more into line more when he literally had to be in the pram and out of the door by 7:45am 3 times per week. Didn’t sleep through the night for a while, but started napping and eating to a schedule more. Are you going back to work? If not is there room in the finances for some nursery sessions to give you time to relax/exercise/whatever?

Agree re trying to set the routine. Set meal times where you offer even if DC doesn’t take it, set nap time where you try even if DC resists. If there’s a sure fire thing that helps DC nap (car, push chair…) time that with set nap time. Probably after an early lunch at 1yo? Also consistent bed time routine etc might help with day time nap? Failing any of that just repeat “everything is a phase”! And in the meantime you’ve got this 💪🏼

Yes it's really quite a slog isn't it.

I found mine fell into a more predictable routine around 18 months. It all goes out the window when they're ill though.

Sending you lots of strength to get through it!!

Its all about being organised, having a workable routine and a bit of luck and either sleep when they sleep, complete a task you couldn’t do when they are awake or relax. You do also get used to functioning on very little sleep.

I never did it, and I wish I did. Could you go for a night, or even two, and get some decent sleep in a hotel? I feel for your DP, but this sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason. Could he take some leave?

If you've got no support, it's down to you three, and it's so bloody hard.

I am back at work and dd goes to nursery twice a week. So I do get some break. But nursery has also thrown her routine off too. During maternity leave we had a really solid nap/mealtime routine but I guess there's been a lot of environmental changes for her lately as well as being unwell. I know it's normal. I'm just finding everything really hard at the moment. I almost dread weekends because it's just a case of getting up, not knowing how the day will go, chasing her around from morning to night because she's into everything now and trying to stay sane. We walk for miles because again it confines her to the buggy for a while. I just feel super low lately. Like I'm failing my older dc and my dh because I'm always so knackered and fed up.

I know this sounds counter intuitive, but if you let her run riot in a park, she's far more likely to get knackered and go to sleep.

I think one is the most exhausting age. Often they're still waking at night, they're usually mobile but have no common sense. You constantly have to follow them around as they're always getting in to dangerous situations. You can't relax for a minute. They also become quite wilful at that age! It does get easier. Hang in there.

Trying to enjoy the little things was what helped me and planning things to look forward to including days out with friends while DC were with DH

She's only just one and she's not walking yet but at home she crawls everywhere, pulls things over, tries to climb and pull herself up on things. Doesn't like sitting and looking at a book or playing with a toy, always has to be moving. In a way it'll be easier when she can walk/run because I will just let her loose on a field lol.

So I was in a very similar position until a few weeks ago. Only mine was an almost 3 year old. Have a 6 and 8 year old too, work full time, DH works full time and my dd3 never slept. She was in full time nursery so in a good routine and good routine at home her sleep times were just off.

We were at our wits end. We spoke to a sleep consultant and I thought nobody will be able to help us. But...here we about 8 weeks later with about 6 weeks of sleep under our belt and yes while we are still mental busy we have evenings from 8pm to ourselves. Dd3 goes down at 7pm the older two at 8pm. Previously she could take til 10pm to get to sleep and would wake for 2-3 hours at night.

Your little one is younger and obviously still needs day time naps but my advice is put her down earlier than you think you need to. We had to bring our dds bedtime back to 6.30 to address her sleep deficit and then naturally settled at 7pm. And be consistent. That's the key. Do the same thing on her nursery days and then the same.thing on non nursery days as close as possible.

Good luck.

Ps I know its shit! You're not alone.

How old are you? I ask because a fit woman in her mid 20s has very different physical resilience to a fat late 30s mum.
You say you sometimes go shopping so she's 'restrained' in the trolley. When my first child was born I struggled mentally. My life felt claustrophobic and the house a tip. Then i cracked it. Everyday I would just take the pram/sling/buggy and walk. Not for anything, just for air. I'd also get home maybe twice a week after my husband. This helped enormously psychologically. I felt like I was coming home to my cosy nest, rather than trapped in my cage awaiting my jail visitor.
To facilitate this I would crack on in the morning and get chores done, maybe prep evening meal then have lunch and go. Anywhere, nowhere whatever the weather.
Friends did it the other way round but I found this suited me.

I had a decent pram
I breast fed so feeding was simple
I don't have anaversion to the dark. Didn't bother me coming home at 6pm...
I'm OK with all weather's

Could something like this clear your head and help with your fitness?

@JudgeRudy I am late thirties and I have two dc from my twenties and you are 100% right it was so much easier with them.

That's a good idea, we do walk a lot but I am quite constrained by the elder dc pick ups and after school commitments. I do find that a brisk walk with dd in the buggy or along with some loud music on helps to blow away the cobwebs.

We haven't got all the answers but hopefully there's some ideas and even if nothing much changes really, you've felt a bit better....but yes, could go bed with toys left out or laundry literally just sitting in a pile in the kitchen, and vould wake up to it too.....but l made sure coming home was a good thing.

Once she is well - Sleep train and impose a routine. It’s hard but worth it. I have two this age. You can’t let the tail wag the dog unless you are up for several more years of disrupted nights, uncertain days and both of you cranky and grumpy beyond belief.

YANBU. The baby stage is horrific.

We sleep trained DS at 7 months because I was on the verge of a breakdown and had PND. I highly recommend it, there are lots of gentle methods you can use. DM me if you want the name of our brilliant sleep consultant.

Your DD doesn’t need a night feed at the age of 1. Start night weaning.

Let house work standards slide; can you afford a cleaner for two hours a fortnight?

Don’t worry about weight gain- you’ll lose it when you start sleeping again. It’s a tough time, but (four years in here) I PROMISE it gets easier.

Thank you everyone. Sometimes it just helps to be able to vent. I feel like a shadow of myself. I have no motivation to see friends or do any of the things I used to enjoy. I feel stressed and on the verge of either temper or tears all of the time. I'm fucking knackered to be blunt.

It's only recently that the sleeping has gone to shit and this on the back of several illnesses has broken me in a matter of weeks. God knows how people who have always had poor sleepers cope. Aside from that she is a naturally clingy baby and it's hard when we have no help and no breaks. She's even still in the same room as us (in her own cot) because the constant waking would disturb my others kids and it's easier just to deal with her this way.

I'm not against sleep training but not while shes unwell. I guess we will have to see how things go once she's better. Unfortunately it's been back to back illnesses for the last few months with just a week here and there of normality so it's been really rough.

Omg op I hear you. Currently up with my 11 month old son. I never rest, on call 24/7 with my other son too they take it in turns! I’m 3 stone overweight, have no clothes that fit me other than a few shitty old t shirt and one decent pair of jeans. Other than that old maternity leggings. I really do feel like absolute shit atm. I actually feel quite miserable tbh.

And don’t get me started with illnesses. It never ends!!

There is no one size fits all at all! If you can try to find a routine again that works and then think the day before what you will do around the 'core' routine items.

I started with asking my childcare 'in your case' nursery what their routine was and they wrote it down for a day as they follow it fairly tightly as normally have all on the same routine. So what time breakfast, snack, lunch, nap, snack, dinner. I then tried to break down a bed and nap routine that took no more than 5 minutes and that I could put in at bedtime for a few days then once that was bedded in I added it in for the nap so it was a clear sign I was saying that was bed time as opposed to letting the small human try to work out when.

Then based on the eating times I would plan around them - so going to the park - take the snack and lunch if it will fall in those times and be back half hour before nap time. I tried to follow the timings religiously until he was giving the cues himself at those times and it was bedded in. Sickness does throw this of course and it's so hard when they have to go back to it but don't give up it may really help

Also mine didn't walk until 18 months. It is useful if you can get an all in one waterproof outfit and waterproof boots.. I just let mine crawl around on the climbing frames etc in the park, hopefully the weather will warm and that will become more and more easy

If you can find a good sleep and nap routine try to write for yourself what you want/need to do with a relax every other day - so achieving some tasks one day then relaxing the next. Feels like you actually can relax if you got through some stuff the day before. Or it did for me!

Really hope it gets better soon

It is v v hard.
here’s what I would do:

• get rid of that night feed - why is she waking? Is she actually hungry? Can you give baby rice in her last bottle to help get her through? I would do whatever I had to to get rid of the night wake ups as that would destroy me..

• get her back into a daytime routine asap so you have a small break and things are more manageable.

• then get your DH to do more- he can and he should! She will adapt to him the more he is involved. tell him you can’t carry on as you are and now she’s older he can deffo help, can he take her out Saturday afternoon etc so you’ve got a block to yourself.

good luck!! You’re not alone. Do what you have to to survive… but the repeat night waking will be torture and even sorting that will help you x1000!! Xxxxx