Thread for “breadwinner” working mothers to say how much domestic and child related stuff they do

[HerculesMulligan]

Because that’s what I am and I get totally frustrated by threads about feckless husbands making no domestic contribution but excusing themselves because of their work, so I thought a few examples of how you can be the parent who works/earns most and not actually be a dead weight hanging round your spouse’s neck. I’ll start:

I’m a single breadwining mum. Divorced my abusive ex so never received a penny in maintenance and never will (happy this way).

I do everything and that’s fine with me — feels no different workload-wise than when married except now I’m not shackled to a twat

I earn the most but would say housework is probably 50/50. We just do stuff as needed rather than my job/his job. We do our own washing and will clean the house as and when needed.
Dc are all older and do their bit too.

I earn slightly more but we both work a similar number of hours. He does the vast majority of school pick ups/drop offs and takes children to swimming lessons etc. He also does all the school admin. He's the only dad on the school WhatsApp group which I find ridiculous. I've never seen a party invite with the dad's contact details to RSVP to apart from on my own children's ones.

single working mum, did all of it,

there’s me, DH, two kids (DS8 and DD3). DS8 is autistic. I work full time in the sort of job that can be 24:7 and where I have a million deadlines, especially when doing a deal, and some of those decisions have expensive, risky and public outcomes.

I changed my hours when I
went back after mat leave so I can generally do the morning school run. I do most of his appointments with school, OTs etc, and almost all of the paperwork like DLA etc. I’m a parent governor at his school but lots of that can be done by zoom. I do half of the laundry, all of the bed making, about half of the cleaning, all of the buying and sorting out the kids outgrown clothes, etc.

DH was a SAHD for years and now does a part time zero hours job so he can take most of the school hols off. He does every afternoon pick up and any morning I can’t do. He does all of the shopping and cooking, and the other half of the laundry and cleaning.

It has taken us years (and LOTS of squabbling) to get the balance approximately right and though it is now, that’ll probably change again when the kids are older. And it takes a fair bit of effort. But I am so tired of seeing DHs described on here who pretend their jobs are incompatible with being a fair partner to their child’s mother, and I genuinely think that if I can, they can.

Yep - another single working mum doing all of it except for one child 3 nights and 1.5 days a week - but she brings all her washing home ! Older two don;t go to their dads anymore

I earn most but we are both FT. We share the cooking though he does one extra day and weekend lunches. I do the cleaning every week (bathrooms, kitchen including floor mopping and dusting all rooms) except hoovering and changing bedding which he does. He does all laundry (I put away). I tidy daily. I do all admin for the household including school, college, childcare, medical, dentists, utilities, tradesmen, holidays, activities, birthday parties,driving practice, Christmas and birthdays etc. I take kids out more at the weekend (usually on my own). I also go out more socially too though. Small DIY jobs shared though H does garden and bins (I do some but a secondary role). We both drive but if we go anywhere together H drives as I prefer that unless it's a long journey and we share.

It sounds like you do significantly more than he does overall? Which is actually part of the “useless men” argument - even when a women works outside the home, they normally do more than their fair share of domestic tasks.

I work full time.

I parent my kids. Do housework. Cooking cleaning blah blah

So does my oh.

We share these things equally

Working isn't an excuse to do nothing in the home

I've no idea why some people think it is

That might just be how I’ve described it! He has the kids from 3pm-bedtime (I’m often out in the evenings) so does bathtime, bedtime, homework, packed lunches etc.

I earn more than my dh although I work pt and term time. I do most child related stuff, dog walking, cooking and general day to day cleaning. Dh does all the laundry, deep cleans, hoovering, DIY and gardening. Yesterday spent 7 hours in the garden, mowing lawn, fixing a fence panel, weeding then power hosing. I took dc out and met friends at the park then an indoor activity. I think ours is generally well balanced. We're a good team. We both do what needs to be done around the house (not anal about it though) then we have equal downtime. I couldn't be with a lazy arse. My dad was also very hands on with child related and home stuff. I think I've married someone like him!

Another single working mum so I do it all.

Ex does 20 nights a year, I normally do the other 345, but teen ds has just headed off on a school trip so I've got 5 nights to myself. I'm sitting here deciding which spicy food that ds won't eat, I shall have for supper. 😊

Then maybe a hot bath, with music, then a romcom. With no-one demanding snacks every 20 minutes.

Single mum here too. It's much much easier to be a single mum than it is to lug a dead weight around...

Completely lone parent. Do it all and pay for it all.

We both work approximately the same hours; but our shift patterns are hugely different (he works 48h over 4 days and then has 12 days off, I work 3 school days per week but then get very long holidays)

How we divide things varies.

On the four days he works, I do almost everything except hoovering and emptying the bin, regardless of my own work.

On his 12 days off, on the days I work he does almost everything, except maybe putting the kids to bed or homework with the eldest.

If we are both off, we split everything fairly but not necessarily equally - we both spend the same amount of time doing “tasks” even if the tasks themselves are different.

amen to that 😁

Not the breadwinner, we earn a similar amount, but I’d say it’s works out equally. We have a cleaner once a week and both do 40-50hrs full time work.

He does:
Pick ups from nursery
Washes up and cleans down the kitchen each night
Bath/story/bed every night
Cat litter
Clothes washing/hanging out to dry/putting away
Coffees in bed every morning for both of us
Takes the toddler each fortnight to his parents for the day and works there (including packing a bag, etc.), as we only have nursery 4 days a week
Cards and presents for his family/friends
Tip trips after bagging the garden waste
Food shopping for anything missed off the online shop

I do:
Nursery drop offs
Cook dinner every night
Put the occasional wash on during the week
Run the robovac around the house once a week (not sure you can count this as a chore!)
Holiday bookings
Finance stuff
Take the toddler for the day once a fortnight
Cards and presents for my family/friends
General gardening
Online food shop

We keep a joint shopping list of anything we’ve run out of, and order when required. We are both happy with the set up. He earns around 10% more than me and gets a bigger bonus.

I'm a single FT working mum and I do literally everything (apart from when my partner who I don't live with comes over, roughly twice a week, in which case we share housework/cleaning. I do most of the cooking).

Honestly it's a small price to pay for freedom for me and eight years after kicking my abusive ex out I still get a thrill about not having to clean up after someone who thought this was all a "woman's job".

It's fucking exhausting but it's all mine (and my daughter's). All of it. No one else gets access to the money, no one else gets to criticise or have an opinion on my home or my housework or decide that it's not been done to their standards. I'm so totally phobic of dependence on a man and the thought of having to share money with someone makes my blood run cold. I'd far rather be run ragged and do it all and keep it all than have to worry about pleasing someone else. Its the price of doing business, so be it.

I'm the higher earner by quite a long way. DH has recently returned from an extended period overseas during which I did everything, but most of the time, I reckon we probably share around 50/50. I do most of the cooking and shopping, we both clean but he probably does more than I do, he does the garden and any DIY stuff etc.

DD is too old to need childcare now, but we probably split it 50/50 when she was younger - we shared the school run, after school care, sick days and holidays between us. I did more holidays as I had more leave.

I was more than happy to share everything 50/50 because he was working too. The fact that he earned less wasn't really relevant. However, I would not have agreed to him being a SAHP unless he had been willing to do the vast majority of domestic work - I would never have been willing to become the sole breadwinner and continue to carry a significant chunk of the domestic load, as I would have felt that that was incredibly unfair!

I am the sole earner, work FT out of the house. I do very little of the day to day stuff. He is the SAHP to school aged children, absolutely he should take on the lion's share.

I earn more but we both with FT. I would say it's 60 (me)/40 (him) on the 'doing' stuff i.e cooking , laundry, cleaning etc.
It's about 90 (me)/ 10 (him) on the mental load. I am trying to change that.

I agree with you, if one parent is a SAHP, they should carry most of the domestic load.

I'm the breadwinner, although my hours are less than my DH's.
I do majority of pick ups & drop off ( grandparents help when we're both working later )
I also do more round the house, cooking, cleaning, washing etc. DH does one club a week and I do the other.
He will help if asked and doesn't moan but doesn't have much initiative.
He will happily watch DC if I go out / gym etc and same for him.

When I was married I was the breadwinner, not that you would have known it, as I did 90% of childcare and domestic chores. Now I'm divorced and still work full-time I still do 90% of everything for the children and I have a couple more domestic chores than I used to and I have to hire trades for some DIY/gardening.

I’m the breadwinner at the moment, my DH works very part time. We split childcare/cooking evenly when I’m home but he does food planning/ shopping / laundry and cleaning when he’s off and the kids are in childcare too.