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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to hear about his ex's births?

49 replies

ButteredJorts · 26/03/2023 13:24

So, I and my fiance have children of roughly the same ages (10ish).

His ex was very forceful on having completely natural home births, and achieved this.
I went with everything the doctors said and ended up having an emergency c- section under GA.

Due to mental health, addiction issues and nearly dying last year due to said addiction issues it has taken me this long to try and get back into shape.

As I'm trying to sort my core and stomach muscles out I am realising that I might not ever get a flat stomach back as the ab walls seem to not have knitted back together properly.

I was having a little bit of a whinge about this and being a bit sad that a c section might mean I never get my stomach back and my fiance launched into a massive story about how his ex ignored all the doctors and fought really hard for her natural births.

He absolutely was not comparing us, either physically or whatever but the whole thing made me go really quiet and I asked him to stop as it was making me feel guilty for not fighting harder.

He totally did stop but he doesn't understand why it upset me so much, and now I'm thinking I over reacted as it was 10 plus years ago.

I also think there's a little jealousy there that she achieved something I didn't, don't we all want to be better than our partners exes really?

And I really just wanted to get this out somewhere people might understand my feelings on this tbh.

So AIBU for being still so bothered about this over 10 years later?

OP posts:
Nastyurtium · 26/03/2023 13:26

YANBU to not want to hear it.

YABU to have internalised that one type of birth is ‘better’ than another.

Original poster
ButteredJorts · 26/03/2023 13:26

It's just made me feel a bit of a failure tbh. 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
ButteredJorts · 26/03/2023 13:28

Nastyurtium · 26/03/2023 13:26

YANBU to not want to hear it.

YABU to have internalised that one type of birth is ‘better’ than another.

Yeah I know I should absolutely not think one type of birth is better than another.
And if you asked me outright I would say of course it isn't so long as both mum and kid are healthy, but.......

I don't know, it did make me feel guilty.

OP posts:
MrsSiriusBlack1 · 26/03/2023 13:29

Why? The end result is the same, a hopefully healthy baby. I’ve never understood the competiveness around births tbh.

LottaOtta · 26/03/2023 13:30

YABU. She made her choice, you made yours

Nastyurtium · 26/03/2023 13:32

LottaOtta · 26/03/2023 13:30

YABU. She made her choice, you made yours

Not sure an emergency c-section is a choice!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/03/2023 13:33

YAB a little unreasonable sorry. YANBU to feel as you do and ask him not to talk about it again. But you were talking about your experience of birth and (assuming they were together when she gave birth and he was present) you're getting annoyed when he starts talking about his experience of birth, it's a natural thing when someone talks about their experience for others to talk about theirs (although a very emotionally intelligent person would have probably seen you wanted reassurance and empathy)

DrMarciaFieldstone · 26/03/2023 13:34

Yanbu to not want to hear about ex’s births, I just say absolutely nothing and move on to something else. Zero interest in hearing about them.

Nastyurtium · 26/03/2023 13:34

ButteredJorts · 26/03/2023 13:28

Yeah I know I should absolutely not think one type of birth is better than another.
And if you asked me outright I would say of course it isn't so long as both mum and kid are healthy, but.......

I don't know, it did make me feel guilty.

Show quote history

What you’re feeling is quite common and I know several friends who had emergency c-sections who felt guilty and bad about it afterwards. The whole attitude towards it stinks.

You might have a scarred tummy, maybe she has tears and scars down below. Everyone’s body’s different and your fiancé loves yours.

ThinWomansBrain · 26/03/2023 13:34

There's a reason he is her ex - he's a twat.
She's probably more proud of ending the relationship with twat face than the natural births.

Thack · 26/03/2023 13:36

Birth is very personal and stressful. You weren't comfortable speaking about it and said so. You are both grown ups in the relationship, it's OK to do that!

You did what was right for you and your baby at the time. The clue is in the title, an EMERGENCY section is a necessity, if the doctors advised it then you 100% did the right thing. However it is still OK to be sad about that and to wish things were different.

Desperatelywantinganother · 26/03/2023 13:38

If you needed a C section under general anesthesia then there is no way a drug free home birth would have gone well for you. It’s unusual for doctors to recommend GA. Fighting hard for no medical interventions is not always a good thing. Sometimes birth goes badly, and needing a C-section under GA is a pretty strong indication you were never going to have an easy VB birth with a good outcome for you and your baby.

Original poster
ButteredJorts · 26/03/2023 13:39

ThinWomansBrain · 26/03/2023 13:34

There's a reason he is her ex - he's a twat.
She's probably more proud of ending the relationship with twat face than the natural births.

I knew this would come up and he absolutely is not!

He's by far in all my adult life the kindest, generous, most caring man I have ever been with.

He ended it with her for reasons that are totally valid and very understandable.

He just thinks I'm amazing and shouldn't be upset by something that was so long ago, he wants me to be happy and stopped as soon as I asked.

OP posts:
Desperatelywantinganother · 26/03/2023 13:40

Also the ab muscles is probably more to do with pregnancy than the C-section. The cut usually goes below those muscles. Have you seen a physiotherapist? There are things that can be done to help you strengthen your core.

Original poster
ButteredJorts · 26/03/2023 13:41

Nastyurtium · 26/03/2023 13:34

What you’re feeling is quite common and I know several friends who had emergency c-sections who felt guilty and bad about it afterwards. The whole attitude towards it stinks.

You might have a scarred tummy, maybe she has tears and scars down below. Everyone’s body’s different and your fiancé loves yours.

Show quote history

I know I'm not the only one to feel like this and it's silly really, but I just felt this horrible sting of jealousy and guilt I guess.

OP posts:
Fluffodils · 26/03/2023 13:41

2 issues.

  1. He should know when to shut up.
  2. A "non-natural" birth isn't something to feel guilty about so you need to address that - perhaps seek counselling. Would you tell anyone else in your position that they had failed or even think they had failed? I would hope not.
Original poster
ButteredJorts · 26/03/2023 13:42

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/03/2023 13:33

YAB a little unreasonable sorry. YANBU to feel as you do and ask him not to talk about it again. But you were talking about your experience of birth and (assuming they were together when she gave birth and he was present) you're getting annoyed when he starts talking about his experience of birth, it's a natural thing when someone talks about their experience for others to talk about theirs (although a very emotionally intelligent person would have probably seen you wanted reassurance and empathy)

This is right.
He was at the births and he was just talking about his experiences.

Thank you for being gentle!

OP posts:
Fluffodils · 26/03/2023 13:43

ButteredJorts · 26/03/2023 13:42

This is right.
He was at the births and he was just talking about his experiences.

Thank you for being gentle!

Show quote history

Yes but unless you asked he should have known to keep quiet.

Original poster
ButteredJorts · 26/03/2023 13:43

Nastyurtium · 26/03/2023 13:32

Not sure an emergency c-section is a choice!

Show quote history

This might be the crux of the matter maybe?

Was it the choices I made, could I have fought harder, or was it inevitable?

I guess I'll never know and I just need to get over it really.

OP posts:
MILLYmo0se · 26/03/2023 13:44

But presumably you had some sort of complication she didnt have? And if you had had a home birth you could have lost your baby, and perhaps your own life.
There are too many ifs and buts and possibilities involved in these things to carry any guilt or regret over what happen in comparing the two things, but easier said than done I know, you are only human!

Original poster
ButteredJorts · 26/03/2023 13:46

Fluffodils · 26/03/2023 13:41

2 issues.

  1. He should know when to shut up.
  2. A "non-natural" birth isn't something to feel guilty about so you need to address that - perhaps seek counselling. Would you tell anyone else in your position that they had failed or even think they had failed? I would hope not.

Of course I would never even think someone had failed at the way they give birth, it's just harder applying those same principles to yourself I guess?

And he shut up damn quick when I told him it upset me, I just think men have never experienced the pressure surrounding "perfect" births and it just doesn't occur to them that it might be an issue, he was just sharing what he knew.

OP posts:
Original poster
ButteredJorts · 26/03/2023 13:49

Desperatelywantinganother · 26/03/2023 13:40

Also the ab muscles is probably more to do with pregnancy than the C-section. The cut usually goes below those muscles. Have you seen a physiotherapist? There are things that can be done to help you strengthen your core.

I'm doing very specific core exercises and I can see the massive differences everywhere except this really annoying "Pouch" just above my scar which just won't go away, so it protrudes.

Maybe I should get a professional involved, I just assumed with the right exercise it would sort itself out

OP posts:
NotJohnWick · 26/03/2023 13:53

The end result is the same, a hopefully healthy baby.

The end result is only the same if the mother's physical and mental health doesn't matter. There are worlds of difference between an 'easy' VB, a straightforward ELCS, or a complicated birth with either an assisted and damaging VB or EMCS. Some women pop out a baby in a birthing pool with barely a graze and are fit to stroll to the shops afterwards. Some women are sliced and diced and chopped and stitched with their vagina ripped into their arsehole and never pooping right for the rest of their lives. Not the same.

oakleaffy · 26/03/2023 13:56

ButteredJorts · 26/03/2023 13:26

It's just made me feel a bit of a failure tbh. 😞

Don't feel a failure!
I felt a little bit disappointed after a vaginal birth,

The hospital gave two epidurals that failed, and oxytocin that was brutal in the force of the contractions... when they realised I could feel everything, in went the pethidine, and I was knocked for six by it. {As was son!} Vile stuff.

I was far too out of it at the end to be fully aware and present.

But hey ho.. Stepmum gave birth naturally at home with just gas and air..

NotJohnWick · 26/03/2023 13:57

Oh and his ex was lucky that she had successful natural births. Lots of women across the world die in natural labour. Lots of women who have medical interventions may well have died in labour, the numbers around maternal mortality speak for themselves. You can do a certain amount of work to increase your chances of a good birth but it really is just a roll of the dice, not an achievement or a sign of being a better person.