To not want to hear about his ex's births?

[ButteredJorts]

So, I and my fiance have children of roughly the same ages (10ish).

His ex was very forceful on having completely natural home births, and achieved this.
I went with everything the doctors said and ended up having an emergency c- section under GA.

Due to mental health, addiction issues and nearly dying last year due to said addiction issues it has taken me this long to try and get back into shape.

As I'm trying to sort my core and stomach muscles out I am realising that I might not ever get a flat stomach back as the ab walls seem to not have knitted back together properly.

I was having a little bit of a whinge about this and being a bit sad that a c section might mean I never get my stomach back and my fiance launched into a massive story about how his ex ignored all the doctors and fought really hard for her natural births.

He absolutely was not comparing us, either physically or whatever but the whole thing made me go really quiet and I asked him to stop as it was making me feel guilty for not fighting harder.

He totally did stop but he doesn't understand why it upset me so much, and now I'm thinking I over reacted as it was 10 plus years ago.

I also think there's a little jealousy there that she achieved something I didn't, don't we all want to be better than our partners exes really?

And I really just wanted to get this out somewhere people might understand my feelings on this tbh.

So AIBU for being still so bothered about this over 10 years later?

Yes you should be as kind to yourself as you are to others.

The c section has nothing to do with how your stomach or abs look though.

You can't "fight" not to need an emergency c-section any more than I could have "fought" not to have a massive haemorrhage after I gave birth vaginally. Every baby is in a slightly different position, birth canals are differently shaped, placentas are not in the same place. He shouldn't use this terminology any more than she should when talking to other mothers.

I've had 2 emergency sections out of 2 births, it took my a while to process my thoughts on this. I haven't had just one feeling about it; I've felt a failure, I've felt angry at myself, I've felt numb. I've had positive and negative feelings, so I've also felt proud. Mostly 17 years after my second, I just feel nothing, I've too much other stuff going on in my life.

I do still have that pouch though. I don't like it, but I don't hate it either. I just wanted to tell you, I'm an Olympic athlete, I competed for many years at the highest level of sport and my core strength is top notch, even in my 50's and after many hours in the gym. The fact you still have it is normal and nothing to do with you not trying hard enough. Having an emergency section isn't because you didn't try hard enough. I have spent thousands of hours in my life training in positive thinking, dealing and overcoming pain and being determined and motivated, I still had 2 sections. My dc are pretty much adults now and they're my biggest joy. I do however tell them it's their fault, they just laugh, lol.

Reasonable: not wanting to hear about his ex's births, whether your experiences were 10 years ago or yesterday. Even if he wasn't deliberately comparing or trying to hurt your feelings, he was still basically comparing, which is unnecessary and unwanted.

Unreasonable:
You had an emergency c-section, which was hardly a choice. If you had 'gone hard' at having a home birth (doesn't come across that you particularly wanted a home birth originally), your baby might not have made it. His ex was lucky that her births ended up being uncomplicated enough to have everyone safe. Things can change so quickly from fine to dangerous in labour, so tbh it's always worth going to hospital to give birth. At least there you can get help if you need it (as you did), if someone wants no pain relief or interventions etc they can still do that in a hospital.

Btw about your stomach - most women don't have their stomach 'back' as it was pre-pregnancy. In most cases that you see with celebrities or social media, things are made to look more flattering than they actually are, or they could afford cosmetic surgery. If you like then maybe you could see a physiotherapist or something to check your abs to see what the real situation is and get advice on it.

Maybe try to work on your confidence a bit as well so you feel better about this subject.

I think it’s normal to feel like you do about your birth, op. Attitudes are changing, just not fast enough. Hopefully counselling will help.

Your dp sounds lovely.

A natural birth isn’t an achievement.

This a million times 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

I mean this in the kindest way. - get over it!

Someone said that to me years ago after my cs - you really do need to accept that it was done for the best reasons and there was a safe outcome. In my case dS had the cord round his neck so I definitely made the right call when I agreed to the section . You need to bear in mind that if you had refused a cs the outcome might have been very scary.

Drs really don’t jump to emergency c section unless they absolutely have to, it costs them so much more in resources!
This was the absolute best thing for you and baby.

the fact that she was able to have home births means she was almost definitely never in a position where emergency c section was mentioned so the situations are not comparable.

These people that ‘insist’ on whatever birth they had like to sound superior but it’s a load of bollocks

Sorry just re read and it was natural not home births.

also wanted to point out there would have been no fighting, everything offered is a choice for the best outcome so the only person she was fighting was herself

Your tummy shows u have a lovely dc, try not to worry about ti being flat

Tbh I think his ex sounds awful imagining ignoring doctors and some thing bad happening to their child or her. For an "ideal birth"

I’ve got friends with recent kids, friends with adult kids and friends who’ve had no kids and absolutely none of us have flat stomachs.

i had ‘natural’ very fast births. I didn’t fight for them!! It just happened, I was lucky.

i really hope my ex doesn’t bring it up to his wife, who had to have a c section 😣 I know you say he was being kind but he wasn’t. I’m not saying ltb or even be mad, but at that moment in time he was incredibly insensitive and it’s okay to be upset by it, we all make mistakes and he definitely made one. You are maybe seeing it differently due to your self esteem? Go easy on yourself!

If I'd have fought for a natural home birth, my baby would be dead. Simple as. No warning signs other than labour at 35 weeks. But he came out blue via EMC, he couldn't get out and his heart was under stress. So no, I don't get the guilt.

He's alive because he was pulled from me and resuscitated and ventilated all within the safety of a hospital.

The fact she had to FIGHT for it implies there were risk factors. She's flamed lucky the baby was ok if that's the case and IF that's the case, she isn't some hero who birthed her baby the best way to birth a baby because she's so damn amazing, she's just someone who bloody lucky.

I think people in general need to be much more sensitive when comparing births, the best thing to do
if you’ve not experienced a birth is probably make no comment.
i think it’s the pregnancy that does the most damage to the stomach- tissue all stretches and muscles often separate, rib cage gets wider. I honestly don’t believe anyone who went full term has a totally flat stomach without surgery. It’s often possible to improve it and hide the rest! It might be worth seeing a phyio for exercises

You think OP had a genuine choice to ignore them telling her she needed an emergency C Sec? Is there actually a choice when it can cost one as a minimum, possibly both?

Why did they say you needed an EMCS?

I don’t think the way forward is to blame the other mother for her choices either. Why can’t we just accept that all women are doing their best in what is usually a pretty difficult time!

How so? They were discussing experiences and he shared his - yet suddenly he’s the twat? 😅
He stopped when asked, what else do you want him to do - invent a Time Machine so he can go back and take what he said back?
MN at its finest…

You are absolutely not a failure.

you have over coke addiction and mental health problems you are literally super woman !

but your bang on about not wanting to hear it , who would ?

congratulations on your baby x

There isn't a hierarchy of births. She wasn't as in control of her birth as she (or he) thinks. It was good luck that she got the birth she wanted.

Having to think about a traumatic birth experience in a context when you weren’t expecting to think about it probably gave you some sort of momentary PTSD-ish response. Be kind to yourself 💐

Some women are lucky to have births where everything goes to plan (my sister barely had time to get her tights off let alone get in her home birth pool) and some of us end up in a chain of unexpected events like dominoes falling (10 days overdue, 3 days of attempted induction and someone finally noticed my ten pound son was breech!)

Is my sister better than me? Of course not.

(At driving, maybe, but that’s about it!)

Absolutely this. What she did is not better than what you did. All births require a massive amount of strength and bravery, it doesn't matter which way you do it.