What do you do at weekends? Am I depressed, or being too hard on myself

[leplan]

Some back story. My son died 3 years ago.

Before his illness weekends were busy with activities etc.

Now my other child is a teenager and doesn't need me very much.

Everything feels like such a struggle to do anything. I have to talk myself up to putting the washing away. I walk the dog every day, yesterday went to the gym, cooked dinner but everything is such an effort. I'm finding work difficult too.

I had ADs a few years ago for 12 months but I didn't want to take them long term.

I just want to lie on my sofa and read a book.

My friends seem to have action packed weekends and are always doing projects/hobbies.

My DH is someone who is always keeping himself busy. He does a lot of the shopping and the cooking because he hates being bored (not the boring house stuff though)

I suppose my question is, do you think I need to go back on my ADs or is wanting to lie on the sofa all weekend entirely normal.

Did the antidepressants make a difference? If so, take them. If not, what about a brisk walk or swim? Anything that gets the blood pumping a bit will provide some relief.

I'd say you are still in the early stages of recovery from an extreme and devastating trauma. Don't be hard on yourself op. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry you lost your son ❤️

In general, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to rest and read. But in the context of not really having any “get up and go” for other things then it’s not great. Do you feel better after walking the dog having been outside in nature? Are there any friends you could meet for a coffee? I always find an afternoon on the sofa somehow more justifiable if I’ve been somewhere earlier in the day. Otherwise that in itself can make me feel a bit down – just being indoors and not seeing anyone. It’s not great for your mood.

I am very sorry for your loss OP.

Are you busy during the week? If you work hard all week then I think lying on the sofa reading a book at the weekend, plus a dog walk and some housework, is fine. It's normal to slow down as you get older and may be unrelated to your son's death. Also normal IMO to have to force yourself to do boring household chores!

I am self-employed so actually spend a lot of time on my own, and every thing I do has to be off my own bat, so I find it takes a lot of energy even though it doesn't feel like I do much.

The ADs worked but I was feeling a lot worse then (I think). I stopped them because I felt they were making me a bit 'one note' and felt like they were blocking quite a lot.

I think I'm just lonely. I don't see many friends anymore or go out socially. I feel a little like everyone has moved on without me.

You exercise, work, cook, keep a home. You're dealing with an absolutely devastating loss. I think you're doing just fine, to be honest. You could go back on medication, but truthfully I think your feelings are most likely to be caused by crushing grief. My only, very gentle, suggestion is to ensure your other child knows you are there for them. We think our teens don't need us but they do really, and your child has lost a brother. So maybe plan a hot chocolate together on the way back from an activity or something once in a while.

Just want to send love. You’re doing great. You’re allowed to want to rest and read. That’s more than ok.

(Maybe get your H to do some more of the boring house stuff if that feels stodgy).

What are you reading at the moment?

I think you're doing really well considering the trauma you've been through. Please don't compare yourself to other people. We're all very different.

I tend to spend my weekends catching up for the coming weeks. I also have depression and anxiety and I'm on ADs I notice when I'm beginning to go down into the hole because I start to compare with others. My life looks boring and doesn't fulfill me. I feel like I'm missing out when in reality I'm not.

I do a few things to try and shake me out of it. I make sure I'm taking my meds properly. I get fresh air everyday (it's a struggle but helps). I plan something, even just a coffee out with my book a friend and a walk around a village/town. A swim, a walk out or visit someone. I bake or batch cook if I have the ability to mentally do it. I have started to book in experiences/beginners taster sessions like pottery etc but I get tired of people very fast and find I need a bit of space.

Sometimes op I just sit and read a book/draw something or watch tv because that's all I can manage on that day.

Oh and I make sure I take care of myself. It might just be doing my nails or a facemask or could be booking in a massage or hair appointment. Depends how I feel but I make sure I wash and dress each day which on some days can be really hard!

I think the question is, do you want to be out and doing other things, and you can't bring yourself to do them? Or are you sat on the sofa with a good book because that's what you want to do?

What were you like before you had your son? Did you always like a quiet relaxing weekend or is this a new thing? Obviously people change after a huge trauma like you've had but it might give you an indication whether this is normal for you.

Thank you.

That feels better. I'm going to take the dog out shortly.

Hopefully now the clocks have gone forward I will feel like getting out more.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. Three years is a long time in some ways, but no time at all in other ways. I took at least six years to “recover” from my dad’s death - I cannot begin to imagine how hard it is to recover from the loss of a child.

I absolutely don’t want to minimise the long term impact of grief and loss but as you mention you have a teenager I was also wondering how old you are/ is there a chance youre peri menopausal too?

@leplan I am so sorry for your loss. 3 years is nothing, and you are likely still reeling from that, even if quietly. You sound like you are functioning so well, given all you have all been through.

I wouldn't advise anyone directly compares what they are doing to others. What id advise is to have a think about what your values are, what is important to you, and am I spending my time in a way that is consistent with that. If your values are learning and peace, then reading all weekend is 100% consistent with that. If your values include things like connectedness to others and family time, then you maybe at the moment aren't finding yourself able to act in a way that is consistent with your values.

The other thing I like to think about is if my activities are giving me energy/enriching my life, or if I replayed my life would I fast forward this bit. Again, this doesn't mean having to do dramatic activities - it's a value of mine to spend time with loved ones and I would happily replay days spent just doing not much with DH.

The last thing is am I taking care of myself in basic ways - eating well, sleeping, mild to moderate exercise, maintaining personal hygiene eg teeth, washing.

So, I'd start by asking myself those questions and if the answer is that I'm not doing those things because I feel too flat or too low, then considered the antidepressants if they have helped you in the past. Then start slowly seeking some of those things out.

A bit of both i suppose.

I couldn't really sit around and read because the kids kept me busy, but that probably would have been my choice.

I was much more sociable though and we had a wide circle of friends which we have sort of lost.

Also I don't really drink anymore and get tired so don't enjoy nights out in the way I once did.

Maybe that's age though, maybe no one does that anymore!

Some friends are often out doing things together but I don't feel like I have the energy to keep up.

OP give yourself some grace, you’re doing fine and will be ok.

I’ve not had a horrible trauma like yours, but I am in the midst of anxiety/stress/burnout and I know I am absolutely sick of this cold, wet, grey shitty weather that seems to be endless. I know once we finally start feeling the sun on our faces I will feel a bit better, and will get back out into my garden to potter and do stuff that feeds my soul. At the moment I just have no mojo at all.

Rest is not a reward, or a luxury, it’s a necessity. Do what your body is asking for.

I think I'm just lonely. I don't see many friends anymore or go out socially. I feel a little like everyone has moved on without me

Would you like to see friends, and start to get out a bit more? I'm sure good friends would be more than happy to take it at your own pace...start with a coffee with one person, maybe move on to the cinema with a friend?

I think some of it probably is just that you've found yourself getting older and your tastes in what you like to do have changed. I used to love a big night out before my DD has born, but now she's in her teens and I can get out a bit more often, the idea of a big night out sounds horrendous. A couple of pints in the local is for an hour or two sounds much more preferable.

I often have to force myself to get out and do something with my weekend. I've not had any major trauma, it's just cold and wet outside and I've just had a busy week and want to sit with my book or a good TV show.

Also, I imagine that losing your son must have put a strain on your friends. I imagine your friends are probably still tip toeing around you a bit, and while it's well meaning it would do my nut in if I were you and make me less inclined to see them. I may be reaching here but it's just a suggestion as to why you're letting friendships slip.

Sounds like you deserve the odd day on the sofa with a good book.

Could you do that today but also try and arrange something with friends maybe for lunch next weekend?

OP, please don't compare yourself to others who haven't been through the same trauma as you. Or even those who have. Everyone copes with it differently.

I think a lot of people are scared of grief and they disappear. It doesn't necessarily mean that they wanted to, and I agree with the PP who suggested reaching out to friends for low key activities like joining you on your dog walk or going to the cinema. And also the PP who suggested that your teenager probably needs you more than you think.

Have you ever gone to a group for bereaved parents? One of my friends who also lost her son found that really helpful, both for support and then for socialising. It might not be your thing, but it might also be a way to extend your social circle with people who really get it.

When I had bad depression some years ago I moaned to my GP that some days it was all I could do was read a book. She told me that being able to concentrate to read a book is a good thing and very much not an “only”. Because not everyone who is struggling can do that.

It sounds like you’re doing ok. Taking time to recover and be kind to yourself is important.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I’m torn on this; on the one hand I think you need to be kind to yourself and you are clearly still dealing with grief so I think your desire not to do much is completely understandable.

On the other hand if I am brutally honest I know not doing much and sitting around a lot fuels depression and I think as a general principle you will feel better if you are physically active and mentally stimulated. I don’t think it’s great for people to not do a lot in their free time, it can easily harden into a habit and it definitely exacerbates depression and anxiety.

I certainly wouldn’t push yourself faster than you are ready to go but I would start to set yourself some very gentle goals to make sure you are getting out at least once a weekend.

I'm so sorry for your loss, sounds as if you're doing brilliantly. Sitting on the sofa reading is an entirely normal weekend. But if you want to be doing other things, or seeing other people could you reach out to a few people you'd like to spend time with and be honest. Say you'd like to see them for a walk / cycle / drink / cinema - whatever might interest you both? Or a group of them? Small steps, a coffee one weekend, dinner another, day away?

🤗 there’s nothing wrong with laying in the settee with a book, a quiet walk with the dog or perhaps meeting a friend for coffee, you’ve had a dreadful time.
My life’s changed completely since lockdown, I don’t feel the need to be super sociable, I am happy with my own company or meeting a few friends for a chat and coffee.
It’s good to get some fresh air every day, perhaps potter in the garden?

Why not contact a friend and arrange to meet them for coffee? It's really common to lose touch with friends after the kind of devastating trauma that you have been through, but I'm sure they'll be pleased to hear from you.