What do you do at weekends? Am I depressed, or being too hard on myself

[leplan]

Some back story. My son died 3 years ago.

Before his illness weekends were busy with activities etc.

Now my other child is a teenager and doesn't need me very much.

Everything feels like such a struggle to do anything. I have to talk myself up to putting the washing away. I walk the dog every day, yesterday went to the gym, cooked dinner but everything is such an effort. I'm finding work difficult too.

I had ADs a few years ago for 12 months but I didn't want to take them long term.

I just want to lie on my sofa and read a book.

My friends seem to have action packed weekends and are always doing projects/hobbies.

My DH is someone who is always keeping himself busy. He does a lot of the shopping and the cooking because he hates being bored (not the boring house stuff though)

I suppose my question is, do you think I need to go back on my ADs or is wanting to lie on the sofa all weekend entirely normal.

So sorry for your loss, just do what feels right to you, no need to rush things, if you want to take it easy do that.

I see nothing wrong with lying on the sofa reading a book. Self care is important too. Just make sure your not shutting yourself away from people

You're probably still grieving heavily after you loss. The fact that you wonder, if you should be more active is perhaps a good sign.
Spring is around the corner, perhaps that will motivate you.
I understand how raw and hard grief is, so do what feels right for you.

I am so sorry for your loss of your son. If it is any help I, and some of my widow group friends, found there was a slump at 3 years, a pit we each individually fell into for awhile. No idea why.
You are doing all you can, getting out, exercising, all the things recommended to help. I think some days are just crying days, to shut yourself away.
I still find Sundays difficult now, don’t know why, suppose because it’s a “family” day.
Perhaps try something completely different, go somewhere by train, go to something you wouldn’t normally, but sitting on your sofa reading is perfectly ok too.

It's been a horrendously long and dreary winter and you've been through just about the worst thing could happen to a mother, anyone would be forgiven for feeling sapped for energy. You sound like you're managing fine, and I hope longer and warmer days will give you more strength and zest for life. (Hoping that for me too honestly, it was snowing this morning and I felt like going straight back to bed.)

I don't think anyone gets over the loss of a child, rather eventually they come to terms with it.

My only suggestion would be to join something where you have to interact with company, especially as you are self employed and alone a lot: choir, painting class, book club as you like reading, exercise class, etc.

Also, you sat you have a teenager, that in itself is a rite of passage through parenthood and changing relationships as the child becomes more independent knows it all aged 15. Adding to that might you also be starting the menopause?

If you have the money, I'd book yourself in with a physician/endocrinologist and have a full health screening: vits D and B12, perimenopaise hormones, thyroid, etc., and make sure that everything is physiologically optimal. I'd also as you are still in the grieving process have a think about a low dose anti-depressant to help you get to the next stage.

With love and good luck.

Hi op, I'm sorry to hear of all that you've been through as a family. I think when your teenager begins doing their own thing is a tricky time for parents, it's a time of change. There is nothing wrong in essence with having relaxing weekends but from your post what is screaming out to me is that your life sounds a bit lonely.

What is your dh doing at weekends? Do you ever make plans together? I think before considering ad's again you should spend a bit of time mapping out on paper what things you love and how you would like to spend time going forward. For example, my ideal weekend would involve a long country walk with my dh, a pub lunch, a movie either on the sofa or out. Some relaxation and a bit of pootle about the house. Maybe every now and again a night out with friends. My reality is a bit more child led and I often find myself dragged into things like climbing and mountain biking which are also fun but sometimes more effort than I can really be bothered with. I hate shopping so that's not my ideal weekend. I'd probably like the occasional mini break as well, at a spa or a nice city break. Take some time to think about what you like and then start getting some things planned on the calendar for you. So maybe enlist dh in something to do together every other weekend. Maybe arrange to meet a friend or relative once a month. Maybe a new hobby.

Lying in the sofa with a book sounds lovely.

I have older kids who are not always home at the weekend. A nice weekend to me is doing sod all. I’ll go to my gym classes and go for lunch with dh, maybe have a facial or massage. I like seeing friends, but not every single weekend. Mostly, I enjoy a veg out.

You are going through trauma and plenty of people who haven't do very little on the weekends.

Maybe you could reach out to a friend to go for lunch next Saturday? Make an effort to get ready. The weekend after maybe Sunday lunch with your DH or a walk and a drink on the way back. Little things.

I often feel like that at the weekend and I haven't suffered a bereavement like yours.
Nothing wrong with reading a book all day.

Exactly what I want to do. Thepis weekend reading

As others have said.3 years is not a long time for such a devastating loss.My DM died in her 80s and I still miss her .Somewhere I read its Ok to feel whatever you feel .Theres no magic time to feel better.Did you speak to anyone at the time ,because CRUSE( the charity for bereaved people) will speak to you for counselling at any time .May be worth a try.I often find people "pump up" their WE tbh .On FB everyone is having a great time ,but its often just a few minutes here and there captured.Rest of time not so great/boring! I would not set yourself any "goals".Rest is important as grieving is a tiring process .Can you and DH maybe have lunch out occasionally,a dog walk together? He is probably struggling ,but many men seem to close off .It would be good if you could open up to each other as well

I personally this continuously drizzly weather is not helping at all.

I just want to lie on my sofa and read a book.

Well, I think you should do this. Either today or next weekend.

I also think it sounds to me as though it's March and you're coming out of hibernation and ready to widen your world a little bit. Might not be your thing, but I'd read something like Your Life Plan (written by a MNer) or How To Do Everything And Be Happy.

I was working in a job I loved, in a busy environment , when my son died 15 years ago, after a few weeks time off initially, I feel that working helped. I am now widowed and retired and felt that I wasn't getting out much, apart from walking the dog. I joined a shared reading group and an exercise class, I found that going out and seeing other people really helped. The shared reading group gives a basis for conversation and discussion about what we are reading, rather than just gossiping, it often triggers memories and feelings, whilst giving a safe space for these to be shared. The other people in the group are different ages and varying levels of education.
Perhaps being self employed means you are rather isolated, and joining some kind of group would help.

I'm so sorry to hear that your DS died OP, I can't imagine what you've been through.

I have a 14 year old, only child. My social life has changed massively now that he's older. All the fun weekend activities-park, swimming, zoo etc have stopped, the play dates, the birthday parties, all ended. He just doesn't need me like he used to anymore. All the school mums have drifted away.

Its a very strange time. I feel like I'm in a weird limbo and I don't really know what to do with myself. I asked DH what we used to do with our weekends before we had DC and he said drink and recover from the hangover! I dont drink anymore and I wouldn't want to go back to that anyway.

I pretty much do the same as you. Walk the dog, read, watch TV. I could actually happily stay in bed all weekend but I force myself up. DS often needs lifts or me just at home, in the background.

I think I need a hobby but I don't really know what!

You dont NEED to go back on ADs. Its up to you whether you want to or not. Its fine not wanting to do much. Be gentle to yourself. Perhaps try to find other ways of working through this difficult stage in your life. I like to do yoga, go for walks, and I use Bach remedies.

or is wanting to lie on the sofa all weekend entirely normal.

Yes. It is. Sounds like it's just what you need.

Personally I find going out for a random wander helps at moments like these. I aim for somewhere leafy...

I’m so sorry for your loss. When we’re feeling a bit low energy rather than go and do energetic stuff we’ll do something like drive to a beach and amble along the sand for a bit. It takes the pressure off and getting out for a bit usually helps.

This! I was going to write the same. Plan somethings with your DH. Doesn't have to be anything major. Be kind to yourself

Could you look up a short course in something you love? Painting, creative writing, interiors, jewellery making - something to break the cycle and get you out of the house? Although chilling at home with a book is a totally fine way to spend a day too

I'm sure your teen is feeling lonely too; maybe you could take up something to do together? Badminton, craft group, biking/hiking, volunteer work.
Locally, there are walking groups for people with depression/MH problems; there are notices in the library and GP surgery. Being with a group might be more incentive even when you don't feel in the mood to do anything. Afterwards they all go for coffee in local cafe.

I'd like to know if you actually enjoy anything or have an anticipation of enjoyment?
If not, I'd say go back on the antidepressants.

Needn't be mega things - eg I'm looking forward to a long bath and a roast dinner - it feels nice and I'm content. Any of that resonate with you?

Hi @leplan
I’m so sorry to read your son passed away. You must still be very deep in grief after only 3 years. I can only imagine the trauma and pain your family are going through. Grief doesn’t go away, it just fades a little and nobody would be surprised that you feel low and depressed, with little motivation to do stuff.

I think getting lost in a book on the sofa will be helping you forget and helping you to heal. If you don’t feel you need to do loads of activities and meet ups, the. Do whatever makes you happy but if you want to do more, start with calling a friend for a chat, then maybe meet up for a coffee ….build it up slowly until it become more of what you feel us enough.

Now spring is here, maybe having a low dose of AD’s might help give you just enough of something to help you while you build a little more structure into your life once again. But you can and should do everything in your own time.
Have you had any therapy to talk things through and come to terms with losing your child? It might help a little. Or maybe there’s a parent’s bereavement group, although I have no idea whether that would be a help or not.

Most of all, just listen to your body and if it says something is too much, then it is, and they’re the days when the sofa and reading will be the thing you need.

If you enjoy doing this then carry on.

I love the weekends but I sometimes struggle with them because there’s so many things to do that I get overwhelmed and do nothing, then feel guilty for it.

What I find really helps is waking up at a decent time and getting ready.
I will then try and go for a walk or something and I feel so much more energised than if I’d laid in and lazed on the sofa.
I then either laze on the sofa afterwards but don’t feel guilty about it or usually I find because I have more energy I will get things done.

I also book/plan things in advance.

So today has just consisted of going for a walk, shopping, doing a roast and sorting the outfits out for next week.
I will literally write a list of these things and tick them off and once they’re done then I can relax.
Next weekend I want to go to the beach (I live close to so many but haven’t been in years) and so I have written that on my planner and I’ll write down what time to wake up and, get ready and leave.

I do have ADHD and I think I lack serotonin and so if it’s not written down and force myself to do it, then it doesn’t get done.

If you want to do more then I would definitely try and make a plan ahead of time then wake early and get ready before you eat your breakfast and then force yourself to go.