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Original poster

Newborn not fussed about Mum

42 replies

Independentbaby · 25/03/2023 23:12

I have a one month old baby. I had a difficult birth and didn’t meet him for hours after he was born and except cuddles, couldn’t do much caregiving for the first week.

Everyone I know that has had babies (plus lots of MN posts) babies are obsessed with their mums, like to sleep on mum, hate being put down etc.

I feel like my baby is happy with anyone, he will happily sleep in his cot during the day and at night and I think prefers my husband.

Is this normal? I’m worried the first hours / week of his life has effected our bonding. I love him so much and I really want him to love me too and see me as his safe person.

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 25/03/2023 23:17

I'm sure it hasn't. Just you wait...

WhiteFire · 25/03/2023 23:18

Congratulations on your little one. My eldest was like that, if she was crying, cuddling often made her worse, she hated being held into me and was very happy when lying in her own little space. She is now a truly wonderful 17 year old.

My youngest was a limpet, it isn't all that it is cracked up to be. She at 11 is more teenage like than the actual teenager.

Sometimes it is just personality.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/03/2023 23:19

Please don’t worry, I’m sure your baby will adore you. They all go through different phases.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 25/03/2023 23:19

My first was like yours, OP. She's 8 now - loves me, loves her Dad. Always happy to be with both of us but we have a lovely relationship and a very special bond. I was convinced that she loved her Dad more when she was born but I think that's the hormones talking, honestly. You just have a contented baby.

Guineapiggiesmalls · 25/03/2023 23:21

This is entirely normal. How lovely for a baby to be so secure that he’ll settle with anyone! It sounds like you’re doing a good job. I have an 11 month old who is only just now becoming super attached to me.

congratulations on your baby!

Gustavo1 · 25/03/2023 23:23

My youngest barely woke up for the first 4-6 weeks. Slept on anyone and everyone. Once her sleepy newborn-ness wore off she was all mummy all the time!

Also, I read that there is in an increase in milk production hormones at night. My first baby would always settle beat on DH after a night feed. I think it was less stimulating for him, food wise.

SnarkyBag · 25/03/2023 23:23

DS1 was like that honestly the little traitor would go to anyone without a care in the world. He’s a strapping teen now and follows me around everywhere wanting to talk! My birth experience was similar to yours for both my children.

DS2 on the other hand would not be held by anyone other than me until he was well over the age of one. Which was exhausting!

Jellycats4life · 25/03/2023 23:27

I missed the first few hours of my DD’s life. I promise you it made no difference to our relationship. You’re only a few weeks in and feeling battered and traumatised no doubt. It will get better.

katmarie · 25/03/2023 23:29

My dd was like that, for a good few months I thought she preferred her dad to me, which was a bit upsetting as the one who birthed her and was breastfeeding her and all that. But in reality she just takes for granted that I'm there, far more than she does with anyone else. She's 3 now, and I'm very much her person, but a lot of the time I think she just doesn't feel like she needs me, because she knows I'm just always there. (Im not sure if that makes sense at all!) She's very independent and brave and stubborn and adores her dad, and tells me frequently that I'm her best friend. And she gives the best cuddles and tells me that she loves me every day. So don't worry, op, you will have a.wonderful bond with your little baby. Just give it time and lots and lots of love.

crabette · 25/03/2023 23:31

Congratulations OP 💐 And please don't worry!

I felt the same as you. Had a difficult birth, couldn't hold baby afterwards, missed golden hour, etc etc.

I remember tentatively saying to my health visitor that I was a bit worried that my baby didn't know I was her mum, or that she didn't like me as much as she liked everybody else - as she seemed as happy going to other people, and it was me doing all the stuff she hated (like nappy changes etc!) where other people were singing and playing as they were just dropping in to visit or whatever.

Now that my baby is a toddler, she's still great with other people (which is a good thing!) but always runs into mummy arms with a big smile and shout whenever I pick her up. I think it's easy to overthink it, but your little one biologically knows their mummy and it's really easy post-partum to give yourself too hard a time ♥️ Sending love.

MeinKraft · 25/03/2023 23:31

Oh my baby was like that! Chilled AF for the first couple of months. Yeah nothing is forever though. Now she's nearly 2 and she hands off my leg when I'm trying to make dinner.

ign0re · 25/03/2023 23:46

I feel like this is some myth. There’s lots of ‘they need their mum’ chat in the early days but honestly mine would sleep on anyone, cuddle anyone, be fed by anyone… it’s later on when they are older and get separation anxiety etc that they’ll always be looking for you and you’ll be desperately looking for a break so have as much time with your baby as you want but also, do go and rest and know that your baby will be happy enough!
xxx

L3ThirtySeven · 25/03/2023 23:55

Yes your baby’s behaviour is well within the range of normal. And you sound blessed with a laid back baby. Not all babies prefer mum. Not all babies prefer one primary caregiver/one safe person. A baby can have a few primary caregivers/safe persons. As they get older you will see they prefer a different caregiver for different things. If they’re hurt, they’ll have a preference. If they want a cuddle, they’ll have a preference. You will see your baby quite literally express who they want when, and you will be their favourite for certain needs guaranteed.

I think perhaps your feelings about this are not normal in terms of you putting yourself down. You are a safe person to your baby, you do have a bond and he does love you. A happy baby that is secure with you and his father means that you are both doing wonderfully well.

The stereotype of babies only wanting mum is largely cultural and that then results in mothers doing 99% of newborn care and then it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy- as babies want what they know. By your partner stepping up so you could recover, you have accomplished a more even split and a happier baby as a result. So don’t measure yourself against the stereotype.

Cappuccino17 · 26/03/2023 00:02

Yeah my baby was like that. They're so small.at that age they don't really know. When she gets older and more aware you will build a stronger bond with her. Right now it is very new. There is the whole 'mother's scent' thing but it's not always that simple. My daughter went to multiple people and was fine..she went through a clingy face at age 1-3 where she only wanted me. she is now 5 and now changes her preferences for a few weeks she is all dad the next few weeks she's all mum..

CaptinKitty · 26/03/2023 00:09

Please don’t worry OP. I remember feeling so much like you - that the lack of all those ‘magical’ post birth moments had an effect later on.

so much so, I remember getting a sainsburys delivery at about 6-7 months and the delivery man making a comment on all the baby things/asking how old my son would be. He said he had a baby a similar age who was just obsessed with her mum and he didn’t get a look in. My reply was ‘I’m pretty sure I could disappear one day and my son might think a few months later ‘I’m sure there used to be a lady who lived here…..’.

3 years in, I can look back and think I just needed a big hug and reassurance. 3 years down the line, I know that they go though phases of who is their favourite parent, but his little face lights up like Christmas when he sees us, which is like magic. it also keeps you going through those suffocating times when all they want is mummy 11 hours a day and you are desperate for someone to take the reigns so you can have a break.

Its tough now I know, but your baby loves you and you are their whole world, they just can’t show you in all the ways just yet.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 26/03/2023 00:12

OP - I went through exactly the same. Thought DD didn’t like me.

Babies love their mums. All babies. At 1mo it’s essentially all they know. What is happening here is your birth trauma has had a much bigger impact than you realise. A traumatic birth destroys more than people will ever know and it is you thinking there is a problem because subconsciously you feel he didn’t have the welcome into the world you wanted for him.

Now it took years (and some expensive therapy) before I addressed my birth trauma and a very long time to truly bond with my DD because I blamed myself for so long. Please do not do what I did - get help now. Good luck lovely x

cynicbuthappy · 26/03/2023 00:14

My birth was incredibly traumatic, I ended up with a birth injury and placed in an incubator. I was a massive baby and that’s what caused the problems. My mum suffered terrible post natal depression and my dad stepped up and did everything apart from feeding as I was breast fed.
This meant I was a total daddy’s girl until I first had a cold. I only wanted my mum, maybe about 18 months old.
I still only want my mum when I’m ill, but we lost her 8 years ago.
TLDR: Don’t worry about it at all, your baby will bond with you because you love them.

LadyJ2023 · 26/03/2023 00:16

Eh where did you get the obsessed with mum...out of our 3 current babies only 1 is very cuddly the other 2 are happy with anybody..babies are like that they are still all different little personalities and tbh our baby boy and teen boy were never very cuddly unless ill then they want me lol

Duttercup · 26/03/2023 00:24

Mine would happily be held by anyone until about 6 months. She's 2.5 now and spends most of her time trying to reattach her umbilical cord.

I know you will whatever anyone says, but honestly, you'll look back on this time one day soon when he's hanging off you and wonder why you were so worried.

And congratulations 💕

ChickenBurgers · 26/03/2023 00:28

None of my boys were bothered as newborns. As long as they were fed and clean they frankly did not give a shit who cuddled them.

They’ve all had (or have in the case of my 15 month old) separation anxiety and it kicked in at differing ages for all of them. They are all pretty cuddly too, but also settle for other people.

Point being I honestly wouldn’t worry!

Beseen22 · 26/03/2023 00:29

I've had 2 babies,

The first I had to go to theatre after I gave birth for a few hours and DH did all the first nappy etc. He literally lived on my breast for 18m and was allergic to being put down anywhere. He only ever wanted to be in my arms.

The second I was with 24/7 at birth but he was very sleepy for weeks/months afterwards. I seriously thought there was something wrong with him because he would just lie in his bassinet and sleep. Sometimes I just went and picked him up just so he would know me. He's now three and going through the 'only want mama' phase. He sneaks into my bed every night, wants to be carried by me all the time, would sit beside me 90% of the day and wants to help with every household job just to be near me.

Im not convinced a baby's personality in the first few weeks is much of an indication of their relationship with their primary care giver. Personally I found the baby stage a little boring and love when they start talking to you and you discover their personality and really fall in love with them all over again.

elliejjtiny · 26/03/2023 00:36

My 16 year old was like that. No traumatic birth or anything, just wasn't bothered if I was there or not. He adored being poked, prodded etc by toddlers/older children though, that was his favourite thing, that and being passed around as many people as possible! However as a teenager he will run over and give me a huge hug, even when his friends are watching. Unlike his brother who pretends we are not related!

DifficultBloodyWoman · 26/03/2023 00:57

Mine liked anyone cuddling her until 3 months but had a definite preference for her Dad. 🙄
Now she wants me and only me.
I kinda wish it would go back to the way it was! 🤣

Outliers · 26/03/2023 02:24

Your child is probably not even conscious of its own existence yet.

Just wait till circa 8 months, you'll miss this period.

Original poster
Independentbaby · 26/03/2023 02:46

Thank you for all the replies. Hopefully one day I will find this thread and look back and laugh!

I was definitely very upset not to get that ‘moment’ of him being put on my chest and was totally drugged up when I did meet him so perhaps that is skewing my feelings.

OP posts:
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