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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told I was too fat !!!

62 replies

Abbodabs · 25/03/2023 22:25

I feel so embarrassed.I went to a party last night.One of my friends who I only really know through my work colleague.Proceeded to get drunk and In doing so tell me how much I need to loose weight and diet.I am so pretty but I need to get fit.She went on about it for a while.Mygirlfriend was there and I just played along nodding but inside I wanted to run and hide.
Safe to say today as soon as my girlfriend went to work I cried all morning.
why do people think you don’t know how fat you are and think this is fine.They act like they are doing you a favour.
I am so upset and deeply embarrassed.I feel like I can’t go out to any social events this friend is attending any more.
I just feel utterly horrendous and fat and ugly and feel like I shouldn’t be attending any thing.

OP posts:
Strongboat · 26/03/2023 08:46

ChickenDhansak82 · 26/03/2023 07:48

Being blunt here... but rather than wallowing in self pity, why not use this negative comment to do something about it?

YOU think you're fat, someone else things so too, so rather than crying about it just put some leggings on, put some good music on and go for a 1 hour brisk walk. Do this regularly and the weight will soon fall off.

Incorrect. You don't know whether or not the OP already exercises. You don't know her dieting history, age, medications she takes, illnesses she may or may not have - all of which can make people gain or retain weight.
Maybe think about why you think she should change to stop others bullying her, rather than that rude and people should change their behaviour?

drpet49 · 26/03/2023 08:47

butterfliedtwo · 25/03/2023 23:02

Did your girlfriend stand there and not say anything? That's so shitty if so.

I agree. Why didn’t she stick up for you?

maddening · 26/03/2023 08:52

ChickenDhansak82 · 26/03/2023 07:48

Being blunt here... but rather than wallowing in self pity, why not use this negative comment to do something about it?

YOU think you're fat, someone else things so too, so rather than crying about it just put some leggings on, put some good music on and go for a 1 hour brisk walk. Do this regularly and the weight will soon fall off.

But people only get to be blunt about someone's weight when they have been asked to opine upon it.

snitzelvoncrumb · 26/03/2023 08:56

Leave some mints on her desk with a note saying ‘these might help’

CoosLick · 26/03/2023 08:57

It's her that should be embarrassed, not you! And I hope she's mortified about how rude, hurtful and inappropriate she was now that she's sobered up. Shame on her.

Reinventinganna · 26/03/2023 08:57

I would be reminding her of what a tosser she is when drunk.
Tell her she would be much nicer if only she stopped drinking.

What did your girlfriend say or do?

OhVicIveFallen · 26/03/2023 09:01

Cookiecrush · 26/03/2023 07:24

What you have been through is unthinkably awful and essentially is a hate crime. I can't imagine having a conversation with someone where they thought they had the right to talk to me about how I look. People use the veil of 'health' to justify themselves commenting on other people but it is never ok. I'm sorry you have gone through this op.

Yes it was a shitty thing to day but its not a hate crime ffs. Being fat isn't a protected characteristic you dafty.

stepstepstep · 26/03/2023 09:07

The world (and Mumsnet) is full of people that think that fat people don’t know they are fat and the cure for fatness is a stern talking to and the occasional walk round the block.

Unfortunately drink and anonymity embolden them in their ignorance. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

YellowMay · 26/03/2023 09:09

How incredibly rude! I would swerve this person as much as possible in future and if she wants to know why you’re avoiding interaction with her, you can tell her that she was extremely rude and unpleasant and probably shouldn’t drink as much as she does.

pictoosh · 26/03/2023 09:14

A brisk walk every day will not see the weight drop off, or at least, not without a healthy diet consistently underpinning it. Half a pizza will destroy the walk you’ve just been on.

Not directed at the OP in any way there. Just annoys me when people insist exercise is the key to losing weight. It isn’t, diet is. Boring I know. Sorry.

pictoosh · 26/03/2023 09:16

And I say that as someone who lost ten stone and runs. Exercise is a boost but only if your food intake doesn’t obliterate it.

BillLius · 26/03/2023 09:18

ChickenDhansak82 · 26/03/2023 07:48

Being blunt here... but rather than wallowing in self pity, why not use this negative comment to do something about it?

YOU think you're fat, someone else things so too, so rather than crying about it just put some leggings on, put some good music on and go for a 1 hour brisk walk. Do this regularly and the weight will soon fall off.

PFO.

whattodo22222 · 26/03/2023 09:23

I can guarantee no one thinks of you as "the fat one", but I bet everyone thinks of her as "the rude one".

Stop referring to her as a friend and care less what she thinks. Tell her where to stick it next time, don't let her stop you enjoying yourself.

She sounds awful company, boring if nothing else. Who wants to talk about weight loss after a drink?

BeggyMitchell · 26/03/2023 09:26

People talk all sorts of a shite after a drink.

xPaz · 26/03/2023 09:26

Wow, mortified for her
At a party she had a go at you for..........being ''too fat'''. Too fat for what?
I say this as somebody who has recently lost 5 kilos taking me out of the almost obese category and now ''just'' overweight, I would shush anybody who publicly launched in to a 'You Need to BE' lecture at a party.

BeggyMitchell · 26/03/2023 09:27

a

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 26/03/2023 09:33

@Abbodabs

That's awful 😢

What an absolute cock she is.

I hope she has real beer fear this morning.

I know it's easier said than done but don't let the opinion of a pissed up rude twat get to you.

That's no friend there.

FantasticWishesEverywhere · 26/03/2023 09:35

How embarrassing. For her. Imagine having such poor social skills. I would not want to be like her in any way.

And posters giving weight loss tips on this thread are making my eyes roll so very much. Are you struggling with the issue being discussed? Clue: it is not a plea for advice on weight.

OP go about your day with your head held high and pity this woman for being so socially inept.

xPaz · 26/03/2023 09:37

@bellac11 absolutely, it's hard to react in a perfectly assertive way that doesn't bring the mood/tone down - and the @Abbodabs op was conscious of being at a party even if the friend of a friend wasn't.

I think I have or had (overcoming it) a lot of scapegoat energy, so people thought they could say whatever they liked to me but if I ever came back with ''that's rude, stop'' it was then that the energy changed. So I was perceived to have been the confrontational one, as it was my attempt to set a boundary that changed the tone. That is how they saw it.

I've changed a lot over the years and learned a few techniques to handle the conversation or criticism or boundary erosion better. I'm not invincible but the shine a light on it technique is good. Eg ''I feel like you're telling me how fat I am, at a party! Is that your intention, to make me feel bad, at a party?''. Nine times out of ten the person will say ''oh no no no no gosh no'' if they're asked ''IS THAT YOUR INTENTION'' and if they style it out and say ''yes it was my intention to ..........'' then you can say ''well, that's your prerogative of course but it would be more professional not to reveal your dislike of me at work/feelings about my health at a party.''

WimpoleHat · 26/03/2023 09:39

Next time you see her, I’d be tempted to go on and on and on at her. “I mean, you’re nice and sociable. But people would like you so much more if you didn’t let totally inappropriate shit come out of your mouth. I mean, you should definitely go to the library and get some books on etiquette and manners. It’d be so helpful for you. People would find it so much easier to see how nice you are….etc”

bellac11 · 26/03/2023 09:55

WimpoleHat · 26/03/2023 09:39

Next time you see her, I’d be tempted to go on and on and on at her. “I mean, you’re nice and sociable. But people would like you so much more if you didn’t let totally inappropriate shit come out of your mouth. I mean, you should definitely go to the library and get some books on etiquette and manners. It’d be so helpful for you. People would find it so much easier to see how nice you are….etc”

Said in a whispery tone with the sympathetic head tilt.

Sammysquiz · 26/03/2023 10:04

If I was you I’d text her today saying how hurt you are by her comments. She needs to apologise!

LuluLehman · 26/03/2023 10:09

bellac11 · 26/03/2023 08:35

Could you be anymore patronising

People are often in shock when being spoken to rudely and dont always feel they can speak back, particularly when others are around, it may or may not have anything to do with self esteem

Show quote history

The op has put the experience out there and I can respond in any way that is true for me. She doesn't have to agree with me but it's out there for her to consider. We're all different and, while I would think it rude, I wouldn't be upset if some stranger told me that I'm fat and need to diet. I would just say. I know I'm fat and I'm not interested in your advice on dieting right now and move away. I have done that in the past when I was overweight. When I was less happy with myself I used to react like the op to comments like that.

Why don't you concentrate on sending her a post that you consider not to be patronising instead of wasting your time (and the thread) patronising me?

FavouriteDogMug · 26/03/2023 10:14

Too fat for what, exactly? To have a girlfriend, a job, enjoy your usual activities and get invited to parties? Clearly not. To look good, well that is a matter of opinion, your girlfriend seems to think you are attractive, and anyway looks aren't everything. Even if it's to do with health you have to be very careful about dieting or it can lead to bingeing and regaining the weight plus more and you will be more unhealthy than when you started.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 26/03/2023 10:27

Wow how rude and awful of her, I think I'd send her an email and tell her to watch her drinking and if she can't say anything nice to keep her mouth shut, and that your weight, diet and exercise is fuck all to do with her. I sincerely hope she's having a really bad case of anxiety about last night