Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family strife!

42 replies

BiscoffBanana · 25/03/2023 20:15

Has anyone ever successfully resolved a long term relationship breakdown between themselves and partners family? Specifically sister in law but also affecting parents in law. It's a long story....basically she wasn't happy when I called her out for entitled and demanding behaviour and hit the roof when I had the cheek to stand up to her (long family history of everyone bending to her will). Now they've blocked me altogether and won't let the kids come over for playdates as it might be "awkward" at drop offs etc. It was always up to me to organise playdates etc which i was happy to do as we like spending time with the kids and my kids like seeing their cousins. My oh (her brother) has never organised a playdate in his life and despite me badgering constantly won't get in touch as she is such a nightmare to deal with. How do we move on from this? It's pretty hard to deal with when inlaws won't see my kids either in case it upsets her. AITA for not just sucking up her behaviour and biting my tongue to keep the peace so we can see the kids/ in laws again?

OP posts:
HappyHolidays22 · 25/03/2023 20:23

Oh dear OP that does sound stressful. I don’t know if I would’ve bothered standing up to SIL initially as it would obviously cause issues - my approach probably would’ve been to moan to the DH and then to just try to reduce contact with her in a way that avoided conflict…. Not saying that is the best option but probably would’ve been my approach. Having said that, what is done is done in your case.

how you move forward I guess depends on whether you want to rekindle a relationship with them all for the sake of your kids? Personally I think life is too short to hold grudges and fall out with people. In your place, I’d probably try to build some bridges to the point at which the kids can see each other and things settle into a place where there is minimal tension. Then I’d just try to accept we won’t ever be BFFs and I’d limit my contact with her as much as possible.

we actually had a family argument about a year ago and this is the approach we have taken. Things will probably never be the same as they once were but it means we aren’t carrying any emotional baggage with us constantly,

good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Ktime · 25/03/2023 20:25

Come on, you can’t have been surprised when she blocked you and stopped allowing playdates? What did you think was going to happen when you told her a few home truths?

Instead of running after her or the wet in laws, I would concentrate on helping DC build friendships elsewhere.

Original poster
BiscoffBanana · 25/03/2023 20:42

We've fallen out before but always managed to hold onto a shred of civility for the sake of the kids. I guess I was naive for thinking we could continue like that as I don't cope well with being treated like a doormat

OP posts:
Original poster
BiscoffBanana · 25/03/2023 20:46

Thank you, its been really difficult! I'm glad you managed to move on from your situation, it sounds like you've got a much better attitude to movibg on than me 😆 Why do people have to be such dicks 🙄

OP posts:
Daftasyoulike · 25/03/2023 20:52

OP I think you should be proud of yourself for calling her out on her behaviour. It always pisses me off royally the way some families will let one member rule the roost, and bully everyone else into doing everything the way they want. If the rest of the family are still stupid enough to continue to cow tow to her, by saying they won't see your children for fear of upsetting her, then quite honestly they don't deserve the privilege.

EggAndHasBeans · 25/03/2023 22:03

despite me badgering constantly won't get in touch as she is such a nightmare to deal with

Sounds to me like your OH has the right idea. What's the point in trying to make up with this nightmare woman when you will likely end up back to square one soon enough. Much better for the children to make a clean break.

Murdoch1949 · 26/03/2023 09:09

Your in-laws should not be choosing sides, refusing to see their grandchildren, that's awful for them and your husband. Get husband to resolve things with in-laws, ignore SIL.

Aftjbtibg · 26/03/2023 09:13

I think you leave this one with your partner; tell him what you’re willing to be like if you saw them and what your boundaries are and let him sort it out with his parents at least

olympicsrock · 26/03/2023 10:38

Don’t try so hard. Just because someone is family it doesn’t mean you should accept shitty behaviour.

This is DH’s family. Take his lead. You can find other friends for your DC. If grandparents won’t see their grandchildren in avoid to not offend their daughter they are not worth bothering with .
Honestly take a break and leave future communication to DH.

Pinkdelight3 · 26/03/2023 10:53

It's hard to tell because the calling out (always a loaded term), historical falling out, constantly badgering etc might mean you're part of the problem too. Sounds like a combination ripe for conflict in any case so I'd take your OH's lead and steer clear. If the DCs' relationship with the cousins were the priority, you'd have focused on that and not got involved with the bigger issues. There's no going back now so stop badgering, accept the consequences, and focus on other friendships until the DCs are old enough to choose their own playdates - at which point they tend to grow apart from cousins anyway.

cartagenagina · 26/03/2023 11:19

I don’t understand why you are badgering them for contact?

Just leave it and get on with your life. Your partner isn’t bothered, follow his lead.

The children have other friendships surely?

ScreamingInfidelities · 26/03/2023 11:31

I have a SIL like this. After years of walking on eggshells I’ve cut contact.

Reddickyouless · 26/03/2023 11:35

Let them get on with it, I couldn't be bothered and definitely wouldn't want my children round them

Nimbostratus100 · 26/03/2023 11:36

well, you "called her out" on whatever, you ended the relationship, you are not the person who is best positioned to start it again

You clearly feel proud and justified on your "outcalling", but other people wont see it like that, she won't, and it doesn't sound like her brother and parents do, either

impossible for us to tell, but I tend to be very suspicious of people saying they have "called someone out" as what they are saying is they are clearly right, and the other person wrong, and this is clearly only an opinion, but is presented as a fact

Brefugee · 26/03/2023 11:42

I don't get on at all with most of my ILs - and i have always been super honest with my DH about why (he's not keen on most of them either)

Anyway. If you really want your DCs to have a relationship with their cousins/grandparents you need to make that clear to your DH to arrange it. If he doesn't want to? meh. If you still think they should have a relationship with them - just tell them. And then accept whatever happens.

Want2beme · 26/03/2023 11:44

I wouldn't bow to her. If your in laws are too weak to tell her a few home truths, that's their continuing problem. I really don't understand how adults allow themselves to be manipulated like that.

It's a shame for the cousins. Maybe SIL will eventually grow up.

BuffyTheCat · 26/03/2023 11:48

If your SIL thinks the sun revolves around her, and you challenged this, then she probably won’t be happy unless you completely capitulate to restore her perception of the way things should be, i.e. with her in charge.

I’d guess that low contact is likely to be better from your perspective. She won’t back down and she won’t change. So your choices are to bend to her every whim, or to stop subjecting yourself to her whims.

Her parents won’t stand up to her because they’re afraid of her anger so they’ve been enabling her for her entire life.

Obviously I don’t know your SIL, but if she’s this kind of person you won’t make much progress trying to resolve things to your satisfaction.

SummerLover01 · 26/03/2023 11:51

Draw a line under it and move on

People like this are more hassle than they're worth. Might feel rubbish now but in a while you'll be glad to not be dealing with their pish anymore

WandaWonder · 26/03/2023 11:56

Nimbostratus100 · 26/03/2023 11:36

well, you "called her out" on whatever, you ended the relationship, you are not the person who is best positioned to start it again

You clearly feel proud and justified on your "outcalling", but other people wont see it like that, she won't, and it doesn't sound like her brother and parents do, either

impossible for us to tell, but I tend to be very suspicious of people saying they have "called someone out" as what they are saying is they are clearly right, and the other person wrong, and this is clearly only an opinion, but is presented as a fact

Yes this, also we only have your version of whatever has happened

Original poster
BiscoffBanana · 26/03/2023 12:12

Well, obviously I can't invite her to give her version of events 😆 the "outcalling" you're so suspicious of is basically a refusal to be treated like a doormat and expected to bow to her (IMHO unreasonable) terms - I don't believe that behaviour is acceptable from anyone and after years of biting my tongue and being taken for granted I finally snapped. So yes I'm partly responsible too.
Anyway the reason I'd like a resolution is because I do miss seeing the kids and my kids miss their cousins. But as many responses have said, it's not worth the emotional effort of trying to resolve.

OP posts:
Original poster
BiscoffBanana · 26/03/2023 12:14

Thanks for all the helpful comments. Agree that she will never change and its probably best to draw a line under it, but I'm sad that our relationship with the kids is effectively over.

OP posts:
CantAskAnyoneElse · 26/03/2023 12:18

Yeah ’called her out’ 🥴.

Are you sure things were whaterver you though they were?
I often find that people who say other’s are ’entitled’ or ’selfish’ are actually those things themselves.

What has she actually done?

And, if you attact someone, of course they no longer want contact with you. That’s obvious.

OrigamiOwls · 26/03/2023 12:18

Your in-laws have chosen their side, let them get on with it. They've shown you that your kids don't matter to them as much as SIL & her kids. I'd just leave them to it.

CryHavok · 26/03/2023 12:22

OP: “I’ve told my sister in law all the reasons I think she’s a massive bell end. Y she no be my m8?”

MichelleScarn · 26/03/2023 12:26

OrigamiOwls · 26/03/2023 12:18

Your in-laws have chosen their side, let them get on with it. They've shown you that your kids don't matter to them as much as SIL & her kids. I'd just leave them to it.

This, can't imagine how weak they are to not see grandchildren in order to not offend an adult woman and pander to her.
They absolutely don't deserve your children

Swipe left for the next trending thread