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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How have you dealt with your soap-dodging allergic to seeing their floor teenager?

42 replies

AutisticLegoLover · 25/03/2023 11:17

I'm at my wits' end with one teenage daughter. No incentives seem to work although I wonder why anyone would need an incentive to shower every other day outside of mental health issues or physical disabilities. She has neither. Apparently soap is bad for your skin and allowing hair to get greasy is a good thing. I'm the bad guy because she's been told today that she smells and to get in the shower. She says she doesn't smell. She does. Being blunt gets a verbally aggressive response at best. Being kind and explaining doesn't make a difference either. It's just not necessary to wash her body more than every other day in her eyes, no matter the time of year or what activities she's been doing. She does at least wash her face twice a day now. Please tell me your solutions!

OP posts:
Divorcedalongtime · 25/03/2023 11:19

I have an autistic daughter and she doesn’t want to brush teeth , she hates the sensation.
I hate how clean hair feels myself so I get it. Could she be autistic? I know that’s no t a solution but maybe help you understand her?

FrenchandSaunders · 25/03/2023 11:21

I shower every other day and don’t smell …. well at least nobody has mentioned it 🤣. Does she wash properly and use deodorant?

Trollsinmyeggbox · 25/03/2023 11:22

She's not soap dodging if she's showering every other day?

Original poster
AutisticLegoLover · 25/03/2023 11:22

She is autistic but it's nothing to do with that. I'm autistic too. She has no issues around it from an autistic point of view. She just thinks it's not necessary even when she's sweaty on a hot day or been at the stables or on her period. Yet she's typically conscious of her appearance like a lot of teenagers. It makes no sense.

OP posts:
Trollsinmyeggbox · 25/03/2023 11:23

She is autistic but it's nothing to do with that.

Er. Massive drip feed. I'll bet my shoe collection and my ADHD diagnosis that the autism has a part to play in this.

MissyB1 · 25/03/2023 11:23

FrenchandSaunders · 25/03/2023 11:21

I shower every other day and don’t smell …. well at least nobody has mentioned it 🤣. Does she wash properly and use deodorant?

You won’t be as hormonal or sweaty as a teenager, the smell of a sweaty teen is really quite distinctive and very whiffy! 😷

Original poster
AutisticLegoLover · 25/03/2023 11:25

It's every other day at the most and I have to remind her each time otherwise she wouldn't shower more than twice a week. Her soap bar is barely touched. She has a bathroom she shares with her brother and she doesn't use his almost gone but bought at the same time bar. The absolute minimum of soap but the maximum amount of conditioner for her hair 🙄 It's the attitude about it all that drives me nuts mainly.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutisticLegoLover · 25/03/2023 11:27

@Trollsinmyeggbox it's definitely not.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutisticLegoLover · 25/03/2023 11:30

I'm asking for how other parents have tackled this, not for a discussion of what affect her autism has. She loves having clean hair, loves being in water, will spend an hour in the bath or shower when she eventually has one so it's not a sensory issue. She's very into skin care regimes for her face just not her body 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
EverywhereILookIStillSeeYou · 25/03/2023 11:32

AutisticLegoLover · 25/03/2023 11:27

@Trollsinmyeggbox it's definitely not.

You can’t say it’s nothing to do with it I’m afraid. Teens don’t tell their parents everything they’re thinking, including autistic teens.

You are autistic but are a different person to your daughter. As the saying goes, when you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.

EverywhereILookIStillSeeYou · 25/03/2023 11:33

And it doesn’t have to be a sensory issue for it to be linked to autism.

Original poster
AutisticLegoLover · 25/03/2023 11:34

Thank you for your autismsplainingHmm

OP posts:
Trollsinmyeggbox · 25/03/2023 11:37

I love a bath once I'm in, love clean hair etc. The motivation required to get myself into the bath is nothing short of monumental. I hate it. I hate the thought of having to take my clothes off and being a bit cold and then being half wet and then having to get out and be damp and chilly and deal with the dampness. The actual middle bath bit is no issue whatsoever.

Same with my hair. Feels great when I've washed but I will procrastinate washing it as much as humanly possible - hats in winter are great.

Just because that's not how your autism works, doesn't mean you know the minutiae of how it works for hers I'm afraid.

TheFormidableMrsC · 25/03/2023 11:38

I have this with my ASD 12 yo DS. He stinks sometimes. I've always had to assist with washing as he just can't do it properly and he definitely can't wash his hair in any way that cleans it. Unfortunately now he's "developing" he doesn't want help. I get it, but I the absence of him being able to do it sufficiently for himself is an issue. I've bought him all manner of lovely products plus nice bar soap for his pits and bits but it still doesn't force him into the shower which currently is twice a week at the most. Instead he piles on eau de toilette 🙄. Like you I don't know what to do. I think it's going to take somebody else saying something for him to realise.

isitaline97 · 25/03/2023 11:38

Is there a way you can make it more interesting to her? Take her to a nice body shop and get some fancy body wash for her? And a natural sea sponge or something if she's into natural products (Obviously you don't want it costing an arm and a leg but you can get something nice for a bit more money). It might entice her ?

Divorcedalongtime · 25/03/2023 11:39

Trollsinmyeggbox · 25/03/2023 11:23

She is autistic but it's nothing to do with that.

Er. Massive drip feed. I'll bet my shoe collection and my ADHD diagnosis that the autism has a part to play in this.

Agree! Seems insane to rule out the most obvious reason

Hankunamatata · 25/03/2023 11:40

We have the rule if you do sport etc then you shower (or mum turns wi fi off and blocks mobiles). Tons of attitude but they do go eventually. I think it's the thought of stopping what they are doing and having to get undressed then shower and dry and get re dressed - it's overwhelming though process to my dc

3WildOnes · 25/03/2023 11:40

This is so common amongst autistic teens. Often part of demand avoidance. I think it often feels like another thing they 'have to do' when actually they have a high need to be free from any demand when at home.

I'm not sure on solutions as I struggle with this with my own son.

EverywhereILookIStillSeeYou · 25/03/2023 11:40

AutisticLegoLover · 25/03/2023 11:34

Thank you for your autismsplainingHmm

You’ve asked for help, people are trying to help you.

Divorcedalongtime · 25/03/2023 11:41

Trollsinmyeggbox · 25/03/2023 11:37

I love a bath once I'm in, love clean hair etc. The motivation required to get myself into the bath is nothing short of monumental. I hate it. I hate the thought of having to take my clothes off and being a bit cold and then being half wet and then having to get out and be damp and chilly and deal with the dampness. The actual middle bath bit is no issue whatsoever.

Same with my hair. Feels great when I've washed but I will procrastinate washing it as much as humanly possible - hats in winter are great.

Just because that's not how your autism works, doesn't mean you know the minutiae of how it works for hers I'm afraid.

I feel like that about showers… how people have them first thing in the mornings is astounding to me lol.

Original poster
AutisticLegoLover · 25/03/2023 11:41

I'm glad you think you know my autistic daughter better than she knows herself or better than I know her.

Just because your autism affects you one way doesn't mean it affects her that way.

Has anyone any solutions please?

OP posts:
isitaline97 · 25/03/2023 11:43

@AutisticLegoLover

Is there a way you can make it more interesting to her? Take her to a nice body shop and get some fancy body wash for her? And a natural sea sponge or something if she's into natural products (Obviously you don't want it costing an arm and a leg but you can get something nice for a bit more money). It might entice her ?

BertieBotts · 25/03/2023 11:43

No sorry I've got nothing. I came for tips but I'd be very happy if my teen washed every other day! I think you should back off as that seems quite good. Up to 3 days I'd be happy with. I think he only washes every fortnight when he goes swimming with school.

Original poster
AutisticLegoLover · 25/03/2023 11:45

@Hankunamatata thank you, that might work. She can't be at the stables and come home and not shower. She leaves hay everywhere too but that's another story.

Yes, to whoever said about covering up the smell! Lovely perfume smell with a base note of horse poo and sweat 😁

OP posts:
ImAGoodPerson · 25/03/2023 11:45

My DS has autism, he loves having showers however for him it is the drying that stresses him out. We eventually figured it out and he now has one of those surf towels with hood and arm holes. It means he can just potter around or just chill without having to actually dry himself. He is nearly 15 so is keen to be clean etc and showers every day but before we figure the drying issue out it was a struggle.

Has she tried more organic shower gels or something? She is right re washing her hair though, should only need it every few days. Too much conditioner is probably making it greasy though.

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