How have you dealt with your soap-dodging allergic to seeing their floor teenager?

[AutisticLegoLover]

I'm at my wits' end with one teenage daughter. No incentives seem to work although I wonder why anyone would need an incentive to shower every other day outside of mental health issues or physical disabilities. She has neither. Apparently soap is bad for your skin and allowing hair to get greasy is a good thing. I'm the bad guy because she's been told today that she smells and to get in the shower. She says she doesn't smell. She does. Being blunt gets a verbally aggressive response at best. Being kind and explaining doesn't make a difference either. It's just not necessary to wash her body more than every other day in her eyes, no matter the time of year or what activities she's been doing. She does at least wash her face twice a day now. Please tell me your solutions!

I find part of routine helps too. They do their sport, they come in and go straight to shower, no stopping to think it's same routine. Strip off and shower, fleecy onsie then nice snack after downstairs waiting

I think OP you and her dad have really got to address it. I used to feel uneasy and paranoid as a teen about smelling, especially around my period. She probably does smell, but it’s hard to sort of smell yourself if you get what I mean? Could you try getting both spray and roll on deodorant in case she has issue with one or the other? Take her into boots or Superdrug and let her buy her own soap? I’m not autistic but my mum done this with me (at my request) and I’ve used the same body wash for years.
I didn’t like bars of soap, I preferred a shower gel. Maybe opening up that option of choice and conversation together? It’s a tricky one and probably quite embarrassing for her.

How about explaining that you understand how she feels but other people don't/wont. People may start to notice and say things, just because she can't smell it others can. She may lose friends. Sometimes we do things we don't want to do to make our lives easier.

Explain that not washing properly may affect her health eg she may get thrush etc.

Find out if it's the soap (personally I find sap very drying). Is she into environmental stuff? Choose some nice scented soft shower gel or maybe it's the sent? So I scented. Get a product that can be used for hair and body.

Lastly if she won't shower how about encouraging a flannel wash? I know it's grim but she might feel more comfortable with that?

Mine use solid bar deodorant after drying themselves too (me or dh supervise) as works better overnight and don't need to nag as much in morning.

If she's onto skin care I love using the hot cloth cleaners in the shower. She rubs it in before the shower then takes it off in nice warm shower with warm face cloth. Lovely for the skin

I must say though op, I do understand your frustration and discomfort around the topic. It’s a tough one, for both of you. X

Another thjng - she might not be able to smell herself but surely her clothes smell? Get her to smell them and she may understand. As an extreme you could say your not washing her clothes as often as there's no point on clean clothes if she's dirty!

Thank you for the suggestions. She has found her preferred deodorant after some trial and error. She has tons of products of her own choosing because she is really into all that stuff. It's not the getting changed, it's not the drying, it's not about the actual activity of showering. I've spoken to her at length about it. It's plain and simple she can't be bothered and sees it as unnecessary. Yet she judges harshly anyone with greasy hair. She just wants to lie around on her bed on tiktok or similar.

Her dad is useless and doesn't believe in deodorant or clean clothes. One of the many reasons I divorced him many years ago.

Opposite problem is when they are obsessive about washing hair that looks drier than straw and never leave the shower.

I'm a worse soap dodger than DC. If I resort to saying they smell, then DC know they must smell bad. I don't care when they washed their hair, but I am big on cleaning teeth. I tell them horror stories about my own expensive rotten teeth which doesn't quite work, but I'll keep working on it.

Floor: I can close their door.

Ah-ha! TikTok. You said the magic words just as I was about to enquire…

As she’s telling you it’s “bad for your hair” to wash it too frequently and yet is into skincare etc I suspect this is a “TikTok says” issue.

If you can agree the hair washing isn’t crucial, but the showering when sweaty is, can you buy her a shower cap? And as you mentioned a soap bar, can you as her to research what shower products TikTok says are better/gentler for her skin?

Also, how old is she? I find the soap-dodging is most extreme 11-13, then by 14 they’re coming out of it…

Could she use wipes and do pits and bits if she doesn’t shower daily? That way she’s not affecting her skin so much if that her excuse.

She prob doesn’t believe herself that she smells. Could you take her clothes once she flings them in the wash basket and put them in a bag or Tupperware to keep the smell in and take them out the next day once she’s clean and let her smell them then? She may notice it more if she’s away from it for a while?

Perhaps an incentive would work?

I'll get blasted for saying this on here (but I have two squeaky clean teens so take from it what you will) but I would come down like a tonne of bricks on her.
Doesn't shower after going to the stables.....equals not going to the stables (my daughter is horse mad and I used to have my own so I know the smell at a hundred paces!)
The next time you hear 'Tik Tok says' I would remove the device she us watching Tik Tok on, same with the bedroom.....all devices gone so she can concentrate on cleaning it up!
My kids have never been taught that not showering is an option, it is just a daily necessity that they don't even think about anymore!

I agree. We are very much of the thinking to give our teens lots of space to figure it all out themselves but sometimes you have to intervene for the really important stuff. They figure out their own curfews, screen time etc and I let them keep their rooms a complete mess if they wish but its non negotiable for them to clear out food/rubbish. Doing their best at school is non negotiable as is showering.

Things that have had some success with ND teen daughter aged 13;

Bath bombs- one for every bath at night, I ran the bath, she chose it and then we had a casual chat whilst getting ready and a breezy- use the flannel/ puff to get todays grind off your skin...left her to it

Choice between sink flannel wash/ quick shower head douse down/ shallow bath or full 'the works' including face wash, hair wash & condition. Has to choose one or some sort of sanction or reward.

Decide between morning or evening for personal hygiene 'reset'. Got to have a minimum of soap, water, teeth cleaning and fresh underwear but however they choose to complete that is upto her.

It gets worse when she is overwhelmed in other areas of her life, so tiredness, school, friendship issues, change...have to battle it out at times but ultimately it's got to be performed and completed in some way, every single day.

If she’s really into facial skincare can you try explaining that it can extend to her whole body, especially if she wants to wear clothes that don’t cover all parts of her back/arms/legs. Maybe if she’s willing to exfoliate, wash, moisturise her face, she might feel more inclined to wash her body if she realises she can do the same for her whole skin?

@Divorcedalongtime I only mentioned baths because I don't shower. Cannot abide them. Absolute sensory horror.