AIBU to suspect DH is texting another woman

[Daffodil18]

So I was WFH the other day and had a 5 min break and when I came into the kitchen DH jumped up off his phone startled and put it in his pocket. I said what were you doing and he sort of stumbled his words and tried to make up an excuse. So I instantly thought it was very suspicious so I said let me look and he said no and would not let me. So I said who are you texting and he said nobody, so I was like if you don’t let me see then I can only presume you are texting another woman. He still wouldn’t let me and I had to go back on my laptop for work. Later he gave me an excuse which I don’t want to disclose but it doesn’t make him look great but is better than an affair. I’ve said I don’t believe him but I don’t know what to think and don’t want to ask friends or family for advice. Even if you want to call me a paranoid mess I don’t mind but I just need to get others perspective on this.

So AIBU - I should believe him
YANBU - It is an affair

Well the trust is gone in your relationship so whatever's going on is largely irrelevant.

Affairs aren't the only reason to behave suspiciously on a phone. Off the top of my head he could have been looking at porn, looking at something embarrassing on social media, gambling...
His reaction is if someone up to no good and I wouldn't necessarily believe the excuse but I'd be more vigilant.

I guess he was looking at porn or call sites, or if non-sexual, gambling.

I would watch and wait. Don’t make an issue of it, as then he’d cover his tracks. If nothing more untoward happens, then you’re fine, and you can move on.

However, if more suspicious behaviour occurs, then act. I’d Look at his phone/computer/iPad. See if his behaviour changes - taking care of his appearance, ‘working late’, popping out to the shops to buy ‘essentials (opportunity to make a call), unusual bank withdrawals, etc, plus becoming secretive about his phone.

YANBU but there are other possible reasons for this behaviour and he’s already given you some. Which may be true. If he is talking to someone else and he doesn’t want you to know he will be guarding his phone, it will accompany him everywhere and I mean everywhere. You will never see it lying around. If this is his behaviour then yeah, most likely there’s someone he’s communicating with that he’s trying to keep from you.

Currently dealing with the fall-out from a similar situation. H was sexting, having emotional love-ins etc. I’ve left him while I sort out what to do.

I sincerely hope yours is different. I’d hate anyone to be where I am now.

Did you mean DS not DH? It baffles me that any adult would be so overtly intrusive and controlling over an equal partner as to demand to see their phone and then threaten that if they didn’t comply, you’d assume they were doing something awful.

Why are you going straight to affair and not any of the other (embarrassing) reasons he might not want you snooping through his phone?

I wouldn’t let my partner check my phone.

A controlling partner is going to claim you are acting suspiciously and say that if you are innocent you’d let me look through it and not have passcodes etc.

He could be having an affair.
Or he could have been on mumsnet or any other site that he doesn’t want you seeing.

Why won't you share his excuse?

We literally have no clue. Could be anything. But I wouldn't hand my phone over to my partner, because that would be the point where the trust has gone. If he didn't believe me and wanted to see my phone he could fuck off. But that's because I know I'm not doing anything wrong.

If he’s nothing to hide, he should of let you have a look surely.
yes it could of been porn, but why be embarrassed about that.

id just say, keep your wits about you.
does he go out at night? Any hobbies ?
anything that could give him time away for few hours?
usually your guts right

Well the fact he wouldn't let you see means it must be something bad. He'll have deleted the evidence by now.
Bide your time and get a look at his phone in a few weeks.

I think the excuse was porn. Either way, I’d assume he’s up to no good.

Absolute rubbish. But it’s a nice get-out for a partner to justify controlling behaviour. “Won’t let me see his phone so must have something to hide.”

My ex spied on me using find my, and then tried to gaslight me by telling me that I’d been seen out with another man etc. I figured it out and turned off my location. He then tried to claim it was because I must have something to hide. I didn’t. I didn’t owe him anything and I hadn’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t my responsibility to placate him.

He’s now my ex.

There are a million reasons why he could be too embarrassed to show you his phone. Maybe he has an itch and was looking up piles?

Is there a history of him cheating? If not, I don't know why you would rush to the only conclusion being him texting another woman.

I’d assume he was looking at / watching something he’d be embarrassed for you to see. Why would he jump up startled if he was texting somebody? He could just carry on texting and you’d have no idea (or even think about) what he was writing or to whom.

I would watch and wait. Don’t make an issue of it, as then he’d cover his tracks. If nothing more untoward happens, then you’re fine, and you can move on.

This. Because there's nothing more frustrating than having suspicions only to find he's covered his tracks.

Probably porn, but the fact that you jumped straight to an affair and demanded to look at his phone means you obviously don't trust him and should probably end the relationship anyway.

Thanks for everyone’s advice it’s good to hear what other people think. I haven’t looked at his phone as I don’t like sneaking about and plus like someone says he’s probably covered his tracks. In the past he has sent texts to other women but not for a long time but I didn’t want to say that in the beginning so I could just grasp other peoples non biased opinions. I suppose it maybe could be porn as he’s never discussed watching it with me and I’ve never said anything about it to him. Tbh I wouldn’t be bothered if it was.

Realistically I don't think OP is going to divorce her husband over this conversation. She thought he was acting suspiciously and instinctively wanted to know what it was. Not great from either side but not really divorce worthy at this stage. I hope it doesn't come to that at all and it is just something a bit silly

No, she's probably not, but she should. He gave her a reason not to trust him ages ago and so she still doesn't. I see no point in staying in a relationship, marriage or not where there's no trust.

How do you know he gave her reason not to trust him?

It could be OP has trust issues due to prior relationships or witnessing parental infidelity as a child.

OPs post where she said he has form for messaging other women was a bit of a giveaway. Obviously we only have OPs word for it but either way there is no trust in this relationship

True she did say he has texted women in the past, but in the context didnt read that as valid reason not to trust a partner. Most mature adults have male and female friends and colleagues that they text. I had thought if it were infidelity, OP would have said “sexting” not “texting”. To my mind, texting is innocent.

“there is no trust in this relationship”
I agree 100%. I’m just not aware of why this is and there’s not enough evidence to blame her partner unless you have knowledge of other threads by the OP? I am new here and so am unaware of any history.