To feel infertility makes me want kids less and less?

[leaveitnow1244]

Just hearing kids is starting to make me feel it's probably a good job it hasn't happened.

Is it really different when they're your own?

I hope so! I just find the majority of them...annoying!!

Has anyone else felt the longer time goes by unable to conceive (4 years now) it's perhaps for the best or is that my defence mechanism?!

Ignore the over reactions, OP. It might be fair to say, though, that if you can see both the good and bad sides of having children or being child free, you will have a more contented life.

good luck with whatever you choose , or whatever fate chooses for you.

@leaveitnow1244 In my experience, it’s maybe a bit of both but for me mostly just a change in feelings. I underwent fertility treatment with ExH for a number of years, unsuccessfully. While going through it I was convinced it was all I wanted, couldn’t imagine not having kids etc. but as time wore on after it stopped being a possibility I started feeling more like my reaction at the time was about winning this ‘prize’ that society (and nature, of course) has programmed us to want.
I started seeing my childless status as child free, and began feeling so much more grateful for the life and opportunities I’ve had since that would have been impossible with kids. Maybe you could call this a defence mechanism against the grief of ‘losing’ but it doesn’t feel that way to me now. Good luck with your treatment and whatever your outcome I hope you have a happy life ☺️

oh and @SecretPornstar get absolutely fucked with that atrocious viewpoint, you awful person.

Just no.

We had ivf for our boy. I find other peoples children incredibly annoying!

@SecretPornstar thats like saying kids who get cancer probably deserve to get it. What a horrid comment! Unless you have suffered infertility you have no idea.......

I haven't got kids, not through choice. I would have liked them but both of us had issues and tbh didn't want all the hassle of ivf etc. I guess I wasn't maternal enough! I think actually what made me accept it the best was having a hysterectomy at 49 for a huge fibroid. Once that was done it was like a line was drawn and it was no longer feasible At All. While I do like kids, I often think it was the right decision eg the cost of housing, childcare, expectations of university for them etc. If it had happened naturally I'd have been chuffed though.

I think this is incredibly cruel and incredibly stupid.

Do you think when people get cancer it's for a reason? When children are born with terrible disabilities do you think that's for a reason?

I hope you never actually say this to anyone. I hope if you do, you get everything that's coming to you.

I wasn’t able to have kids - did loads of IVF - but I do feel it was probably for the best!

I was at a kids party last year and one of the mums is quite open that she had years of ivf to have her first child and I think her second was ivf too. She said sat in the middle of a rowdy party full of 5 year olds "if I knew the reality was this I wouldn't have done all that ivf, this is shit!". Hilarious thing is she was pregnant with her third at the time accidentally and didn't realise. She now has 3. She's pulled me to 1 side a few times to ask if it gets better/how do I cope having 3 and I said well it hasn't for me, yet, indeed it's this shit, it's just no one wants to admit it!

I think if you find being around kids for such a short time annoying having your own probably isn't the right thing for you, cute newborns grow into mucky annoying kids! My sil couldn't have kids, she's ignored us each time we had another kid until they reach around 3, at that point she doesn't want one of those and can be around them again. She huffs about how noisy they are etc, yep that's what the reality of having kids is!

Yes this happened to me OP. Started off really wanting and then years of infertility and IVF slowly drove me off it. Until final IVF which I was so disengaged from that I could barely remember to take the meds. And that's when I got pregnant.

You don't have to want children.
You don't have to have them.
You are allowed to change your mind.
You are allowed to be unable to have children and be ok with it. There is no law that states the infertile must spend their lives in a state of constant upset.
If you have decided mothering is not what you want then that is perfectly fine.

I'm nine weeks pregnant and had a small bleed last week that landed me in A&E.

There was this kid in there using this godawful annoying app, and I just thought... Well, there's worse things than a miscarriage.

(tbf, poor kid was being completely ignored by his mum who spent the entire wait on facetime ignoring him completely)

Oh, and I was worried about miscarrying, but also simultaneously annoyed that I'd have wasted weeks having horrible bland food and retching, and thought that if I did miscarry, I'd really not want to try again.

You can want a child and still recognise the objectively shit parts. In fact, only sane people do.

Fuck right off

Most people want babies and don't actually want or think about having kids, teenagers or adult children. People just think of the bump and cute baby and nothing beyond that. If women were popping out 12 year olds the human race would become extinct in no time as at the route of it kids, and motherhood, are mostly extremely unnappealing. People succumb to the biological scam which is the endorphin release looking at cute babies. We are biologically programmed to find babies appealing and to want one. Nobody is releasing endorphins look at someones annoying, ugly 9 year old. When it becomes a challenge to concieve its gives plenty of time to full examine the entirety of motherhood and whether it's right for you or compatible with your personality. People who get pregnant easily and carry to term easily didn't have time to think in depth like that and dont do the whole "is it even worth it" continuous thought process.

A colleague of mine couldn’t conceive, tried everything, lost an ovary, ectopic, eggs not viable.
She said that a life without/with children isn’t better or worse, just different. Doesn’t make it less worth living. She holidays, refuses to babysit for family, her life is free and easy. She chooses to look at the positive, but occasionally says she still yearns for a child.

Life isn’t fair, you can only play the cards your dealt. Try to be thankful for what you have.

Saying if you can’t conceive you aren’t meant to isn’t very helpful, you probably mean it from a good place but it’s simply not true. The world would be a better place if it were, so all the people that would cherish a child would be able to conceive and those that were unfit wouldn’t be.

What a horrific and insensitive thing to respond to a post about someone suffering from infertility for 4 years. And the thread would obviously attract other people having difficultly conceiving. This has really upset me.

There are various chemical and hormonal changes that happen when people are closely involved in caring for children as well as those associated with pregnancy, childbirth and lactation.
Presumably those make the whole business of tolerating the unreasonableness of children possible.

Wishing you peace and fulfillment with or without children OP x

I am astounded that anyone can be so callous and unthinking and cruel.
Let me guess, you can fall pg at the drop of a hat. Or at least, you have dc.
Please, ignore this anyone reading it. I hope MN deletes it, it could push a vulnerable person over the edge.

Hey OP,

It probably is a defensive mechanism, but that doesn't make it inaccurate. While children are wonderful they are also hard work and lots of worry, and there are good sides to being childless/childfree - even if that's not what you originally wanted.

However, I am going through IVF atm and I was thinking during last cycle about all the things I couldn't do/sleepless nights/daily drudgery. I was still crushed when it didn't work.

As an aside, I found that it helps to fit IVF around your life rather than the other way around. IVF is so much waiting when that's all you focus on. I found it easier to deal with when I focused on the positives of the here and now (eating what I want, drinking, booking holidays...) This way I have other things to look forward to and it makes the time pass faster.

I adore my children. I have little to no tolerance for anyone else's.

How fucking dare you suggest that only someone who births a child can truly bond with a child. How dare you. Adoption was not for me but many people are wonderful adoptive parents.

Who the hell mentioned adoption anyway?

Troll.