Crises at work - my boss is making life unbearable

[WorkCrises]

As my new username suggests I am at a crises point at work. I'll try to keep this brief but don't want to drip-feed so will try to cover everything briefly.

I'm well paid for my area and unlikely to reach the same salary level elsewhere. I'm a single parent household and responsible for all of my own bills so don't have the option to take a lower paid role or to leave without another job.

My boss is a complete narcissist and, unbelievably to some, emotionally abuses me at work. I'm very aware of the traits, having escaped this in a relationship. I'm very happily single, he's a big headed married man who thinks every woman wants him and therefore I have a massive crush on him. I really really do not and nothing has ever happened to make him feel this way. I am always professional and have never been anything else. I think the sole basis for him believing this is because I'm single and therefore obviously either a lesbian or wanting him (his opinion not mine)!

Yesterday I was accused of being like a 'nagging girlfriend' because I was asking for an answer to a work query only he knew the answer to. He's also accused me of 'wanting him for myself' and 'needing more time with him'. All complete BS.

I called him up on the nagging girlfriend comment, to which he replied, 'I'm your boss, I can say what I want'! It's outrageous, utterly outrageous. As a well qualified, intelligent woman who is good at what I do I cannot believe this comes out of his mouth.

It is a small construction company, I work alone, no HR. He is the MD and to who I report directly.

Does anyone have any advice please. I know you'll say leave, and I am looking desperately but every similar role is significantly less paid. Money isn't everything but I need to earn my salary with cost of living I'm only just clearing the bills and living costs and not even saving anything.

In your situation I would either try and ignore it and continue looking for a new job or accept that he's a pig and you have no HR to deal with it but you have a job with a reasonable salary.

Or schedule a meeting and clearly tell him the comments make you feel uncomfortable and that it's not professional. You come to work to do a job

Document everything. If you're in a union, contact your rep. If not, join one ASAP.

I'd speak to a solicitor. Take detailed notes every day.

If you won't leave, you have to try to amass enough evidence whilst protecting yourself as much as you can.

I would stop trying to call it out, as there is no point.

That sounds awful OP 😢 what an absolute slime ball! Since you have no HR can you talk to/telephone ACAS for some advice? You'll find there helpline on their website. Sorry I'm not much use otherwise!

Straight to HR you need to go. That's utterly disrespectful darn darn right unacceptable.

Do people even read opening posts anymore? OP stated there is no HR.

If you’re not in a union I’d advise ACAS or a solicitor at this point to get advice. I would say it’s actually sexual harassment not just bullying.

This is very common in construction including architecture. I have no idea why CIOB don't do more to educate men in the workplace.

I've had similar last year (and left!) and my best friend has had the same attitude for 3 roles in a row for the last 5 years. Her mental health and self esteem is in pieces.

The problem in construction is that few roles are WFHable leaving us with slim pickings.

PM me. I think you'd benefit from someone who knows the industry x

Also document every single comment

If he is MD are there other directors? Or senior managers? I’m wondering if you could get someone else on board. Although it feels very annoying that you have to get another bloke along to tell him he is being a pig.

Have you called a meeting with him and said this is not acceptable? Is the company a member of any bodies that has rules of conduct etc?

What type of building? Is there any public work? Councils, care homes, schools etc.

There should be all sorts of claims in the tender applications regarding safety at work, equality etc. You could pull him up on it from that standpoint.

I would send him an email telling him that you feel that he is behaving at times towards you in an unprofessional manner and as there is no HR process, you would like an official meeting with him to discuss why this is causing you stress in the workplace and to reinforce professional boundaries.

Both of you should choose a person to sit in your corner in the meeting and someone to take minutes so that everything is documented. Hopefully having this paper trail and others present will be enough to nip it in the bud. Appreciate this will not be an easy task though.

OP think of it like this

1)Leave now and find a lower paid role
Or
2) Hang on, get paid well and pay for private therapy which is £80 per session here later on.

I'm pretty sure that the therapy and any prescription meds will work out more expensive in the long run than your pay cut and a man like that can sack you anytime on a whim.

He is sole Director / MD / business owner. There are several others in our team who know exactly what he is like and he bullies them also but they are men so don't get the same type of bullying.

Thank you for your responses, I've started a log of his comments starting yesterday. I'll look into Union representation.

Construction / architecture is a great career, but incredibly difficult as a woman to be taken seriously. Just this morning I've taken a call from a man wanting to speak to someone about the email I sent him which involved roof trusses - well yes you can speak to me about my email, I know the content :-) makes me smile most of the time, but my boss is something else.

Construction / architecture is a great career, but incredibly difficult as a woman to be taken seriously. Just this morning I've taken a call from a man wanting to speak to someone about the email I sent him which involved roof trusses - well yes you can speak to me about my email, I know the content :-) makes me smile most of the time, but my boss is something else

I hear you. I used to have clients refuse to speak to me because I'm "just" admin. No, I'm an architect thank you very much. And the administrators basically ran the business and could probably answer 90% of technical questions!

😡

Can ye no read? She hasnae got HR 🙄

Riba and Arb need to do more. Try and find your local "women in construction" group and join it. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm so angry on your behalf because it's just SO common 😭

I have been sexually harassed in 100% of the construction businesses I've worked for.

I have been sexually harassed in 100% of the construction businesses I've worked for

To counter this, I've worked in construction for 15 years and never been sexually harrassed. It isn't normal and you don't have to put up with it.

One thing I love about construction is it's such a huge industry that there are ALWAYS jobs available. OP in your shoes I would be looking very hard to move to another company.

In your meeting with him I think you need to present him speaking to you professionally as a business case. Tell him how good you are for the business. That you have good relationships with suppliers and can extend your credit, or when you call up planning, you get to speak to the right person or that you know his business inside and out. Basically that without you, he is fucked. Because if he doesn’t sort his shit out you’ll leave. And you won’t be hanging around while he finds a replacement and help train them up. Point out that if you leave, your replacement won’t put up with this either. So he will be screwed.

I have also worked in construction and been treated with respect. This is not normal.

Log everything, contact ACAS and organise a meeting. Don’t be afraid to tackle this officially. He sounds clueless as a manager.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl I think it's possibly a regional issue! 😭

I'm so relieved to read positive stories from women in construction. I'm 99% sure I want to leave my entire career and the industry.

Not just construction but I'm the motor industry I was the only female out of 36 employed men. The sexism was real and horrendous. A colleague once slapped my arse whilst I was working and I genuinely couldn't believe it - he lost his job.

So I sympathise with you OP. Why men think it's ok to treat women like shit is beyond me even if we are more than capable of such jobs. They just like to feel superior.

I was thinking maybe also the size of company? Have you worked for small places with no HR? I'm guessing it's easier to get away with awful behaviour in that kind of company.