Crises at work - my boss is making life unbearable

[WorkCrises]

As my new username suggests I am at a crises point at work. I'll try to keep this brief but don't want to drip-feed so will try to cover everything briefly.

I'm well paid for my area and unlikely to reach the same salary level elsewhere. I'm a single parent household and responsible for all of my own bills so don't have the option to take a lower paid role or to leave without another job.

My boss is a complete narcissist and, unbelievably to some, emotionally abuses me at work. I'm very aware of the traits, having escaped this in a relationship. I'm very happily single, he's a big headed married man who thinks every woman wants him and therefore I have a massive crush on him. I really really do not and nothing has ever happened to make him feel this way. I am always professional and have never been anything else. I think the sole basis for him believing this is because I'm single and therefore obviously either a lesbian or wanting him (his opinion not mine)!

Yesterday I was accused of being like a 'nagging girlfriend' because I was asking for an answer to a work query only he knew the answer to. He's also accused me of 'wanting him for myself' and 'needing more time with him'. All complete BS.

I called him up on the nagging girlfriend comment, to which he replied, 'I'm your boss, I can say what I want'! It's outrageous, utterly outrageous. As a well qualified, intelligent woman who is good at what I do I cannot believe this comes out of his mouth.

It is a small construction company, I work alone, no HR. He is the MD and to who I report directly.

Does anyone have any advice please. I know you'll say leave, and I am looking desperately but every similar role is significantly less paid. Money isn't everything but I need to earn my salary with cost of living I'm only just clearing the bills and living costs and not even saving anything.

Just posting in solidarity. My boss is also a massive narcissistic twat - I'm posting here in one of my crying breaks between meetings - and he thinks his word is law.

Like you, I will be leaving behind certain advantages I can't get with any other company and this makes me sad, but I've come to the conclusion that I need to leave for the sake of my own mental health.

I am interviewing elsewhere, with the help of a friendly recruitment consultant who understands my dealbreakers and compromises and is helping to take the hard work out of my job search.

Look elsewhere. It will be worth it. x

I think it's great that there are women in construction who are not facing this sort of abuse and harassment, that both I and @Architectahoy have encountered. I definitely think it's an age issue, the younger men coming into the industry and much more aware and less discriminatory than their older predecessors, but it will be a long time, and much beyond my working life that it is no longer an issue.

I'm sorry you feel you want to leave your career @Architectahoy - we need more women architects! What a sad state of affairs.

Some great advice here, thanks @fruitbrewhaha you make some very valid points.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl Yes thats right. Small between 4 and 20 people with no HR department.

We don't really have large architectural firms here.

Speak to him exactly as you would with anyone else who treats you like this. Don't hold back because he's your boss. Say exactly what you want back.

"Look - stop being a fucking twat. I don't fancy you, I'm not a nagging girlfriend, and if you want to work with me without pissing me off every five minutes and have me coming in here bending your ear like this, then you'll learn to have a think on and shut the fuck up once in a while."

Sorry to hear that. I don't want to derail the OP's thread but if your skills could cross over onto the contractor side, I've had nothing but good experiences with larger contractors (from turnover of £100m to £2bn). I hope you can find somewhere that appreciates you.

Hey if my thread helps anyone I'm happy for it to be derailed :-)

Bloody hell!!!

Hey OP - this helpline is great - might be worthwhile contacting them for support while you decide what to do. https://www.lighthouseclub.org/get-help-now/

Read some books like "The Wizard of Oz and other narcissists" and look up Out of The Fog website. There are ways to manage being around a narcissist like this but they involve telling lies with a straight face unless you are very adept at playing energy sapping mind numbing games.

I was listening to this radio article the other day that was about knowing when to quit. The woman who is a famous poker player in the US was saying how human instinct is to stay with something that you have invested in be it a relationship, a job or a game of poker, even if your cards are bad from the outset- the sunken cost idea but actually knowing when to quit as the outcome won't improve just because you are wishing to is a better way to think about life. It was really pertinent to me as I am having a frustrating time at work with a new boss and I don't think anything is going to change. That said, in your position it is hard if you as you say need the higher paid than average for the post money. Is there any opportunity to make a lateral move in to something that is just as good money?

My DH is an Architect but it is a central London practice, design orientated he has never worked in a practice like that, in fact two weeks ago there was a guest speaker on the menopause in the workplace.

However, I used to work in a provincial area in a Housing Association and got my backside slapped with a file going up the stairs, the man was quite senior and he was on the business development aide more and knew lots of construction people, he certainly came from that culture as well. This was 2007 though so long ago now!

@WorkCrises Posting in solidarity too. I work what sound like a very similar branch of engineering/construction to you.

It should be unbelievable, but unfortunately isn't, that rampant sexism happens every day in male dominated industries.

Same as you, if I answer the phone at work to someone wanting to get some advice, there is that 1 time in 10 where a man on the end of the phone will call me "love" or "darling" (I am nobodies fing darling), and be utterly shocked that I a mere woman know what I am talking about and can give him the advice he needs. Thankfully my colleagues are all super supportive and if they ever hear that type of discrimination face-to-face at me or another female colleague they are defensive for us. I do remember very clearly one manager saying to my client "oh you never call me darling, please start calling me darling from now on too" - shut the tat right up.😂

argh you should be able to edit posts.
a few asterisks made all that bold - damn it.

My DH is an Architect but it is a central London practice, design orientated he has never worked in a practice like that, in fact two weeks ago there was a guest speaker on the menopause in the workplace

Oh wow this sounds like the place I want to be. I wish we could afford to move to London!

Honestly in your situation is just silently roll my eyes at him. You will never change him , he is a pig and will always be a pig.
If it wasn't for the money I'd say leave and get a new job but given you're paid above average why should you have to leave that behind.

Architectahoy, yes sorry, probably not very helpful to you mentioning that, your story is disheartening to hear.

Agree with others who have said - join a union, document all inappropriate comments/actions, don't let his rude/inappropriate comments go, challenge him. It is debilitating for you, doing a job you enjoy tainted by this knob. Long term you need to leave to get away from his toxicity, so keep an eye on the job market while developing your skills, experience and knowledge.

Well that was appalling but I’m glad to hear the company took action!

And you don't think he'll find a reason to get rid after that?

I don’t think a lot of people answering know what small owner / operator businesses are like. Or what construction is like.

op I have worked in a business just like this. I also found that that it simultaneously paid well but eroded your confidence so leaving was doubly hard.

I'm afraid my solution was a bit drastic - leave and set up by myself. I hope you can find something else soon

I feel for you! I went through something along similar lines years ago. There was a small HR presence who mainly dealt with recruitment etc but had I made a complaint, she would have had little option but to take it to her boss who I was complaining about! It was a small family run firm with no proper HR structure. In the end, I took advice from a solicitor and kept a diary. I did get another job eventually and having threatened to take him to court, I got a decent pay off to keep quiet.

Been there, done that and survived =
Main point : Until you have another well paid job to go to, I would recommend the 'grin and bear it' strategy.
I have a trick for people like this. When they talk to me, I imagine they are standing there stark naked stinking of armpit or in sagging, grey Y fronts and wearing those plastic beach sandals with long socks. Whilst doing this, imagine him pulling out your huge salary from the yukky knickers, Try it out?? Let me know??