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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh's parents- all on their terms?

36 replies

SunshineAndStorms · 24/03/2023 07:17

My partner's parents live a few hours away. They've given us a list of dates for the year of when they are coming to see us. They haven't asked if that's OK and can we do those dates. Surely it's a two way thing when agreeing on certain dates.

They are retired, not elderly, good health, no massive life commitments that we know of but they act like they come above us when everything is on their terms. I understand that they are coming to see us and putting things in their lives aside to do that but they don't acknowledge that we have 3 young children (two with additional needs), both work, a home that's a doer upper and being worked on and various other commitments. Knowing all that, is it totally unreasonable for me to think they might say, when would be a good time for us to come to you? Or at least, are these dates OK? I think MIL in particular struggles with fitting in with us and want to call all the shots.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 24/03/2023 07:24

Just go back to them very neutrally and say
"Of the following dates, these are suitable and these are not possible"

With all that time on their hands they probably want to organise their diary Flowers

pookiebottom · 24/03/2023 07:27

Just go back to them with a list of dates that work for you and ask them to choose one.

If they say anything regarding their dates, say unfortunately non of them work for you.

stayathomer · 24/03/2023 07:29

That’s probably what they meant though- sometimes it sounds like you’re telling but you mean to ask, especially nowadays when we’ve all been conditioned to communicate by eg text so we shorten messages.

Snowontheblow · 24/03/2023 07:32

Could you organise things for you and dh to do, since you know in advance you'll have babysitters?
On one hand it's cheeky, but on the other it must be better than them announcing at short notice..
Do they stay with you?
Are they kind to your dc?

Xrays · 24/03/2023 07:32

Surely you just go back to them and say “sorry those dates don’t work for us…”??

LizzieSiddal · 24/03/2023 07:36

They are wrong to assume rather than ask, but you just need to go back to them and tell them which dates are ok and which aren’t.

Are we you afraid of their reaction if you tell them no?

shockthemonkey · 24/03/2023 07:40

Is the implication that they are coming for all the dates they gave? Wow.

Send your own short list of dates they can choose from. Make a semblance of an effort to approximate one or two of their given dates.

Then take it from there…

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 24/03/2023 07:42

Answer each option as a no.

Send them links to local Airbnb places. Explain as your house is a bomb site and SN dc it just isn't possible to host this year.
Send the text from dh's phone. He won't be so easily named as The Bad Guy.

Original poster
SunshineAndStorms · 24/03/2023 07:43

LizzieSiddal · 24/03/2023 07:36

They are wrong to assume rather than ask, but you just need to go back to them and tell them which dates are ok and which aren’t.

Are we you afraid of their reaction if you tell them no?

@LizzieSiddal they are very sensitive to any issue and mil in particular can be reactive

OP posts:
nicknamehelp · 24/03/2023 07:51

My dil did this for a while. In Jan would get dates for the year. Got the message when we didn't see them for 6 months as their dates fell when we already had plans.

Sugargliderwombat · 24/03/2023 07:53

nicknamehelp · 24/03/2023 07:51

My dil did this for a while. In Jan would get dates for the year. Got the message when we didn't see them for 6 months as their dates fell when we already had plans.

Where was your son?

LlynTegid · 24/03/2023 07:54

You need to set boundaries and ignore the reactive comments. A no to a particular date perhaps accompanied by an alternative. Or a reason to come to theirs instead. Get your DH to support this.

Planning ahead good, the way it is expressed not good I think.

Sugargliderwombat · 24/03/2023 07:54

Op it is super annoying. We get told what we are doing, too 🫠. Your husband really needs to be the one responding though, right ?

LizzieSiddal · 24/03/2023 07:57

Agree just politely state which dates suit you, and ignore any reactive comments. They are being unreasonable in assuming you’re free those weekends so you’re entitled to tell them which dates don’t suit.

Harping0n · 24/03/2023 08:13

Hi ILs
Thank you for sending your proposed visit dates to us. We are looking forward to seeing you on c y z dates. Let us know if you would like us to get any tea/favorite cereals etc for you.
Unfortunatelt g f s dates we already have plans/kids have exams/dog is having an operation/kitchen is being worked on. So they don’t work for us.
lots of love
DIL and DS

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 24/03/2023 08:20

Well reactive ddogs are kept on a short lead...

She is a grown up. Flouncer? Even better - when my dm flounced out my door I didn't hear from her for 10 years!

BeeBB · 24/03/2023 08:28

At least they are trying to prioritise visiting you and giving you the heads up in advance but if its a lot of dates and too far in advance you maybe feel overwhelmed, like its too much and don’t want to commit so far in advance.

I would maybe say something like thank you for giving us the heads up. The first date or two dates suggested work ok for us but please can we talk about the dates from May onwards nearer the time due to house renovations and our families busy lives.

TomatoSandwiches · 24/03/2023 08:41

How she reacts is not your problem it's hers, I wouldn't tolerate poor behaviour from a toddler so I certainly wouldn't from a grown adult.

PeekAtYou · 24/03/2023 08:44

Just tell them which dates work for you and which ones don't. Does she do this every year or is this the first time you've been sent a list?

Brefugee · 24/03/2023 08:47

just check which of their dates are convenient/you want to see them and tell them those ones and the others are a "no can do"?

Does your DH want to see them? You obviously don't rate them much but some people have a lot on (me) and i can tell you now when I'm (currently) available for the rest of this year.

JussathoB · 24/03/2023 08:57

LlynTegid · 24/03/2023 07:54

You need to set boundaries and ignore the reactive comments. A no to a particular date perhaps accompanied by an alternative. Or a reason to come to theirs instead. Get your DH to support this.

Planning ahead good, the way it is expressed not good I think.

This.
Approach the situation on the basis of ‘ they probably don’t mean to cause offence’. Perhaps they are just prioritising you when planning their year. Perhaps they worry that if they don’t book in, you are busy and they might not see you as much as they hope. Maybe they feel they really need visits with you to keep happy.
So they might not be doing this to annoy you.
of course you and your family have needs and priorities as well so arrangements should suit you both but try to respond positively, fix or reschedule a few dates and then try and enjoy it.

jigsaw234 · 24/03/2023 09:01

Does your husband have a backbone when it comes to his parents? If not then you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem

Blossomtoes · 24/03/2023 09:05

Are you sure they haven’t just given you a selection of possible dates so you can choose the ones that suit you best? That’s what we and our adult kids tend to do. We know how busy they are so it works well for all of us.

LondonPretty · 24/03/2023 09:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

junebirthdaygirl · 24/03/2023 09:35

Is your mil one of these people who can't change plans easily and needs to know up ahead exactly what's happening. She may have some special needs of her own if she has always been like that.

Could you write back saying thanks for the dates. As you can understand with small children it's not possible to plan that carefully so let's see how things are as time passes.
Then do keep some of her dates but quite definitely cancel some as time goes on so she knows it's not written in stone.
Who can plan that far in advance?