Dh's parents- all on their terms?

[SunshineAndStorms]

My partner's parents live a few hours away. They've given us a list of dates for the year of when they are coming to see us. They haven't asked if that's OK and can we do those dates. Surely it's a two way thing when agreeing on certain dates.

They are retired, not elderly, good health, no massive life commitments that we know of but they act like they come above us when everything is on their terms. I understand that they are coming to see us and putting things in their lives aside to do that but they don't acknowledge that we have 3 young children (two with additional needs), both work, a home that's a doer upper and being worked on and various other commitments. Knowing all that, is it totally unreasonable for me to think they might say, when would be a good time for us to come to you? Or at least, are these dates OK? I think MIL in particular struggles with fitting in with us and want to call all the shots.

Just reply setting out which of the dates don’t work. Perhaps give a reason to be clear you aren’t being difficult.

Could it just be poor social skills, rather than them thinking they're above you?

Do the dates work for you? I assume the difficulties you have aren't going to change in the immediacy so I'm not sure why the specific dates are an issue, beyond them being presumptuous, and therefore annoying.

If the dates don't work for you, or you want to make a point, just reply saying they aren't ideal but here are some options from us, do any of them work for PIL?

Surely the point of giving you the dates they can come is for you to comment which do and don't work for you?v Unless there is more to this I would say it's just a communication issue and you are being quite senstive in your interpretation.

I agree with others saying just to reply and let her know which dates work for you and which don’t. Maybe suggest alternative if some don’t work.

If she gets her knickers in a twist over basic communication then it’s her problem.

Are you worried she’s going to have a tantrum if you don’t agree to all date? That would want me to reject a few dates even more!!

I honestly don't understand why people tiptoe around the feelings of people who show no consideration for theirs!
Man up and tell them the dates don't work!

Do you actually want to them to stay when you've a do-er upper? Can you ask them to stay in a hotel etc?

My MIL is like this. It's difficult because by their phrasing it as telling you when they will come, rather than asking, it puts you in the position where you have to process their dates immediately so that you can decline any specific dates in a timely fashion, otherwise they'll assume they can come, will plan around those dates, and will hold it against you if you later have to cancel. It can also cause problems because it fixes dates in the calendar so far ahead that you can end up not having room for other things that are important to you because you are already committed to the dates your in-laws have given you. You start to feel controlled and hemmed in by their control of your calendar.

If this were me, I would handle it as the below. You can modify according to what works for you.

1. Respond with yes or no to dates that are within, say, three months. Dear MIL, we're happy to host you on dates X, Y, Z, but unfortunately we have conflicts on dates Q, R, and S and won't be able to see you or host you on those dates.

DO NOT explain what these conflicts are, or you will end up arguing over whether those conflicts are justified. I mean do you REALLY need to see your best friend from college? Surely it's more important that the kids see their grandparents? etc etc. Also, if you get into the habit of explaining any conflicts, then if the real conflict is you just have a busy schedule and want to rest that weekend, you're going to get arguments of "We'll be very quiet, we'll let you rest, we won't be any trouble" or "Well you're a bit wet to need a rest weekend after only 6 months of running around doing home reno and caring for your mum who has cancer, aren't you?" or "Well why are you doing all the home reno yourselves instead of hiring someone? Surely your desire to save money on contractors shouldn't stop the children from seeing us, don't you think?"

2.Anything over three months, say, "I'm sorry, but I can't make commitments that far in advance."

She may throw a fit but it will be better than having to, say, miss your niece's wedding because it happens to fall on a date you've already committed to barbequing for your in-laws 8 months in advance.

So what if she is reactive? Let her react, unless she has you as an audience who gets to see this? If she calls you and is unreasonable, end the phone call.

If you want to see them tell them that, we would love to see you but those dates don't work (no explanation needed you are not 12, you don't need to justify yourself to anyone) if they are looking to stay with you and that isn't convenient then tell them that. State it clearly, recommend local AirBnBs that way you can control what time they come over to you.

I have a good relationship with my In laws, when I had Ds1 we lived over 3 hours away. They stayed in a lovely BnB each time they came down which had to be on weekends due to them working and Dh working. It doesn't sound like your in laws add a lot to your lives, would it be awful if they never came?

Maybe say "yes: to one visit that is convenient, but "no" to the rest. You don't need to give reasons or excuses - in fact, that just makes you look weak. You can be polite, not assertive, ie "We look forward to seeing you on 5th June, but none of the other dates you have suggested will be possible".
They have no right to invite themselves AT ALL, so this would be a generous compromise.
And the email needs to come from your husband!

Sorry, "polite AND assertive"!

Presumably they’ve given you the list of dates, and now your DH goes back to them and says ‘Brilliant, we’d love to see you on X, Y, Z dates but we’re not free A, B, C dates, I’m afraid. But we could visit you on …’

Are you saying your DH won’t have that conversation?