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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to talk about moving?

45 replies

Mastmw7g · 24/03/2023 01:07

We're moving, and my nineteen year old isn't going with us. (Her choice.) I feel this driving desire to talk about what she's going to do, where she's going to live, how much we're going to help. She was open to the first conversation, where I assured her we wouldn't let her be homeless. But after that she didn't want to talk because she said it was too stressful. We don't move for ten more weeks. Am I rushing everything by wanting to talk about it now?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 24/03/2023 01:08

Well what is the plan?
is she working - can she afford a place?

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 24/03/2023 01:15

@rubyslippers She's working I think 16 hours a week. But this ends in June. She needs to find another job. She does have some money saved, but she would need our help affording a place.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 24/03/2023 01:24

If she’s decided to stay in the area then she should be responsible enough to talk about what she is going to do. Is there a reason she didn’t want to move? I assume she will be looking for a full time job.

toomuchlaundry · 24/03/2023 01:26

Will she be entitled to any benefits?

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 24/03/2023 01:55

@toomuchlaundry She hasn't said why she doesn't want to move, but I imagine it's because she has friends, she's never lived elsewhere, and she thinks she has more job opportunities here.

I hadn't thought of whether she'd qualify for benefits if she's no longer living with us.

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 24/03/2023 02:01

If she finds it to difficult to talk about maybe write her a letter. Talk about how exciting it is and how she will be fine. Give her some tips like suggest a room in a share house.

QuillBill · 24/03/2023 07:01

You definitely need to talk about it and find out what she's going to do. She might be an adult but that doesn't means she is capable of finding somewhere to live and working out the finances.

My 19 year old is at university and has been looking for a flat for her second year and we were actually quite surprised at how much we had to advise her. Talking about how much her bills were going to be was a big one. And transport. She didn't factor in that the bus fare would be £4 a day.

toomuchlaundry · 24/03/2023 07:20

@Mastmw7g I think housing benefits for young single people are quite limited. Do you think she is just planning to sofa surf? How come she only works 16 hours a week, is she also at college?

DustyLee123 · 24/03/2023 07:22

My DD refuses to talk about some big, important things. Absolutely shuts down about it, and has now been diagnosed with anxiety. Be careful.

rubyslippers · 24/03/2023 07:24

Mastmw7g · 24/03/2023 01:15

@rubyslippers She's working I think 16 hours a week. But this ends in June. She needs to find another job. She does have some money saved, but she would need our help affording a place.

She doesn’t sound prepared or able in lots of ways to move herself
she may not want to talk but she needs to
is there no way she will move with you? At 19
she may be an adult but she’s not dealing with this in an adult or practical way. Is she ok generally - health / mental health?
how far away are you moving?

DDivaStar · 24/03/2023 08:58

Well of course you need to talk to her. She is going to need some guidance and it doesn't sound like she's made any plans. No idea what she'll be able to afford on a 16hr a week job.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 24/03/2023 16:22

We're going to help her afford a place. She is a student, but that ends this year. She has a good lead on a full time job, but they won't decide until May. She also has a friend who wants to live with her, but is talking to me about it so she doesn't upset my daughter, who does have anxiety.

OP posts:
QuillBill · 24/03/2023 16:29

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I think you are just going to have to be supportive but at the same time protect yourself by not agreeing to be a rental guarantor and helping her find somewhere that she can actually afford.

I'd also be making it clear that she can still live with you as well.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 24/03/2023 16:51

@QuillBill My husband is willing to be a rental guarantor and help pay her rent while she transitions from student to really earning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mastmw7g · 24/03/2023 17:37

@rubyslippers We're moving over 500 miles away, so far. She does have anxiety. I hadn't thought about that, but that may contribute to her not wanting to talk about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mastmw7g · 24/03/2023 17:39

@DustyLee123 She does have anxiety! Thank you for your comment. I hadn't thought about how her anxiety may be contributing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mastmw7g · 24/03/2023 18:23

@DDivaStar She's going to work more hours and we're going to help her out with money so she can afford something. We just need her to talk!

OP posts:
Jimboscott0115 · 24/03/2023 18:27

May I ask why you're leaving? Is it necessary? I'll be honest, I wouldn't move so far away while one of my kids was still living at home and I can almost guarantee she isn't happy about you moving and I understand why.

WeeOrcadian · 24/03/2023 18:35

If she isn't willing to sit down and have an adult conversation, how will she manage to live independently?

WeeOrcadian · 24/03/2023 18:35

Also - 10 weeks really isn't long, if she needs to find a place, have credit checks etc done.... Time's a ticking

Roselilly36 · 24/03/2023 18:40

You must feel very compromised OP. Difficult situation to deal with. I can only speak of my own experience, we moved over 3hrs away from where we used to live just over 2yrs ago. DS2 was fine, DS1 (19) was very apprehensive about the move. We had lived in our home for about 18 years, so the only home he could remember. He was very stressed about moving, even though for a number of reasons, it was the right move for our family. Insisted he was going back for his birthday etc. We moved, he settled very quickly, didn’t travel back for his birthday, in fact said he denied saying he would. He has always found change difficult. We are all very happy with our relocation. I hope everything works out ok for your family OP.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 24/03/2023 19:37

@Jimboscott0115 My husband is set on moving, and I'm excited to finally get out of here. We live in a very expensive area and moving would mean paying less than half what we pay now for three times as much space. I know she's not happy with us moving. I understand why as well. But it's a move we've needed to make for years and his job is paying for the relocation.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 24/03/2023 19:39

She's probably better found for a room in a house share than tying herself to a lease

Jimboscott0115 · 24/03/2023 19:49

Mastmw7g · 24/03/2023 19:37

@Jimboscott0115 My husband is set on moving, and I'm excited to finally get out of here. We live in a very expensive area and moving would mean paying less than half what we pay now for three times as much space. I know she's not happy with us moving. I understand why as well. But it's a move we've needed to make for years and his job is paying for the relocation.

For what it's worth, I get it, but I also understand your daughter's view because effectively you've decided to move 500 miles away from her. Even if she wasn't living at home, I'd completely understand her being unhappy.

I think she probably needs reassurance about the move situation to be honest, she may not realise it but it's natural for her to feel a bit abandoned at the moment and practicalities are probably the last thing on her mind when she's basically been told to move to the other end of the country or have to move out which wasn't in her immediate plans. Not many 19 year olds would be equipped to handle that and it must be absolutely daunting for her with the clock ticking.

This may have quite a negative impact on your relationship with her moving forward and you need to be prepared for that.

AIU · 24/03/2023 20:07

As a child whose family relocated when I was 18 about 400 miles away it completely messed up my life for a long time financially and emotionally, ruined my relationship with my mum and I know she regrets going still now. She is still so young and needs you especially if she is an anxious child, it sounds like she's burying her head because she cannot deal with the overwhelming situation. I don't mean to be horrible but I think you need to really think carefully how you will help her not get herself into a mess financially aswel as mentally how you will support her from so far, even as adults we need our parents.