To want to talk about moving?

[Mastmw7g]

We're moving, and my nineteen year old isn't going with us. (Her choice.) I feel this driving desire to talk about what she's going to do, where she's going to live, how much we're going to help. She was open to the first conversation, where I assured her we wouldn't let her be homeless. But after that she didn't want to talk because she said it was too stressful. We don't move for ten more weeks. Am I rushing everything by wanting to talk about it now?

I dont mean to speak out of turn, but if your daughter cant have a conversation with her mum about renting a home, how on earth is she going to manage to independently run a home?. And, 10 weeks really isnt a long time to find a rental property and submit the application, pass financial checks etc.

I know this isn’t helpful but I think this won’t be good for your relationship with her. My best friends Mum moved from midlands to the South coast when she was nearly 19 & they don’t now have a relationship other than a surface one. She said she felt abandoned & that the Mum had chosen her Step-Dad’s needs over hers (I know this isn’t the case here).

I know it’s not always easy but you need to get her to talk. It’s so hard theses days for young people. Even though she’s burying her head, she needs her parents support.

Fucking hell.

You do need to talk. Sooner rather than later.

Poor girl, she may be an adult (just), but this must be so hard from her. Is there a reason the move couldn't be passed a while so she can at least be settled better somewhere first? I knie everyone is different but I couldn't do this to my daughter.

Is your husband her Dad?

19 is an adult blah blah. It isn't really.

This.

I really feel for your daughter , at 19 she’s barely an adult . By your own admission she has anxiety , is unable to even discuss the prospect of her Mum moving 500 miles away from her . She’s about to leave her part time job , doesn’t know if she’s been successful in applying for a full time one and won’t know until May . She finishes at presumably college this year too. That’s a heck of a lot to deal with , without even starting on wether she is equip to deal with living by herself and everything that goes with it from cooking to paying bills and dealing with emergencies.

What sort of family support is going to be around for her if you go ?

Honestly if you can’t wait a few more years for her to find her feet then I would either find her a room to rent now so she has a few weeks of getting used to it before you go , or sit down with her and explain you actually have to discuss this before time runs out and you leave .

I find these sort of posts a little hard to get my head around though , as I can’t image doing that to my children at that age .

Goodness. I'm a bit surprised that you would move 500 miles from your daughter before she has established herself as an adult. I am planning to move back 'home' at some point as my parents are getting older and live 300 miles from me - but I'm not going to do it so long as my children are either at university or establishing themselves in jobs/further training/whatever. I don't at all think that nothing can ever change, or that you have to keep your 'family home' more or less forever - but I do think you're doing this far too soon for your daughter. I can't believe you haven't thought about the effect on her, even without her anxious tendencies.

Even though the choice wasn't hers, many young adults go off to university or go travelling at this age, so she should be able to cope.

I think you absolutely need to sit and have a conversation, a check-list, help her with her finances, etc, to help with the reality of living on her own or sharing with a friend. If you are moving at the end of May, maybe you could help her get set up at the end of April, so she has a transition month with you still in town, but helping her get set up.

Further to above, this could work with you packing up your house, many things could go to her new place. You could give some of your older furniture and household items, so she can still bring a little of home with her.

Is she an only child, no siblings to look out for her or made a similar move towards independence already?
Does she see a therapist at all?
They may have some ideas on how to go about this transition.

If not now, how long are you expected to put your own plans on hold for?

What exactly does she won't talk about it mean? runs out the room? ignores you?
You need to stop tip toeing around her and have a straight conversation, you can't be sorting things with her pal, it's just ridiculous.
Also, 500 miles away from your 19yr old is drastic.

DH is her stepfather, but he's been in her life fourteen years. She says she has abandonment issues because of her dad, and us moving is leaving her with no family in the area. She does have siblings, but they're all younger and moving with us. We needed to leave this area years ago, but my husband didn't want to leave her while she was still a student. She cried a lot and didn't make any decisions, but at least she's talking about us moving.

With no family left for her and her siblings going with you , I can’t image a situation where I would leave her behind . How much more abandoned will she feel when you all go without her . Does she not feel she is welcome to go with you ?

I would really be trying to talk her into going with you , I can’t see you are going to feel happy being so far away from her knowing she isn’t happy , unless she has a sudden change of heart. Is there any chance her Dad could step up otherwise?

She's 19, the OP can't make her go. She's already said that it is her daughter's choice to stay.

Presumably there is a reason they are moving 500 miles away and they have already waited until she is through university.

How many years have you been putting off this move op?

How many threads are you going to post about this? This is at least the third one!

Crikey, could you not have delayed a couple of years till she finished her studies?

She can't be through university if she's 19.

She can't be through university if she's 19.

True. Reading back I don't know if she's at university at all, it just says she's a student but that 'ends this year' which I had assumed coincided with the move.