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Original poster

Advice please as have a meeting with DS11 school re his emotional state

45 replies

Leaflesstreetops · 23/03/2023 22:51

DS has become a shell of himself these last few months, and I don’t know what else to do. He’s been begging not to go to school all week. These last few months he’s had headaches, constantly tired, stomach aches, emotional outbursts of inconsolable tears for the smallest things and shows such apathy for most things he previously enjoyed. He’s distancing himself and has this aura of sadness all around him. (He’s seen a GP & bloods all ok).
When I ask what’s on his mind he usually says he doesn’t know why he feels this way but this week he has given a few reasons-
a lot of pressure from SAT’s
no PE lessons as they are focusing on SATs
feels school is unfair/students with additional needs get extra playtime/support
he feels invisible
he feels he can’t make teacher happy
teacher is stressed, shouts, says he’s not acting like a Year 6 student should be
school is boring
Doesn’t want to go to secondary

In a fit of panic, I’ve asked for a meeting with his class teacher and the school head (who was his previous teacher and who DS really admires).
But, with this list it just reads like I’m bashing his teacher! And I certainly don’t want to come across that way, but I honestly don’t know what to do or really what the school can do? His teacher does always seem to be a bit harassed but then aren’t most? And for good reason!

So I have a meeting tomorrow and they’ve asked what outcome I’d like, and now I don’t really know what to say and I don’t want to waste anyone’s time. Have I overreacted by requesting a meeting?

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 23/03/2023 22:54

No you're not overreacting!
I would do the same!
And it's not bashing the teacher - you're going in with how your child feels.
The outcome you want is for your son to feel happier and more supported and the first step is school being in the know.
So they can get the ball rolling and start talking to him and hopefully he'll open up with them and even just talking to someone there might help.
Either way they need to know if he's affected this bad

Dacadactyl · 23/03/2023 22:54

No, not at all. You haven't overreacted and you should go to the meeting. I'd say what you've said here but acknowledge that the teacher is doing a hard job etc.

Do you know if your son is working at the expected standard or above or below?

My son is also in year 6, but he is his normal self. I feel for you because I'd hate him to be in this situation.

wingingit1987 · 23/03/2023 22:55

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. Your son is reacting to feeling stressed and overwhelmed- it sounds like a culmination of factors and he is struggling a bit. It’s best that the school has a clear picture of what is going on and might be able to signpost you to further support or suggest strategies to improve this.

BartsLongLostBro · 23/03/2023 22:57

Outcome? For your son to feel better!

Original poster
Leaflesstreetops · 23/03/2023 23:00

@Dacadactyl last year he was greater depth for English and Math but going through his SATs papers (they get set one of each per week for homework then mark them in class) his scores are 1/10 or 3/10! Which I don’t understand at all.
He just clams up completely so I’ve let him do them alone which probably hasn’t helped, but it’s what he’s wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaflesstreetops · 23/03/2023 23:01

@BartsLongLostBro yes exactly!

OP posts:
TwirlyGalaxy · 23/03/2023 23:04

Ah OP I'd say you're doing the right thing. The outcome I'd assume you want is for your child to be thriving emotionally as well as educationally and you want to work with the school to get back to this. You also potentially want some ways to reassure your son about the transition to secondary school (any taster sessions etc. Coming up?)

POLLYprosecco1 · 23/03/2023 23:06

I could have literally written this original post myself! It’s like we are living parallel lives with our DS11s. We called a meeting with his teacher and Head (who is also my son’s former teacher so knows him well!) because my son has been suffering from anxiety, panic attacks, friendship issues, feeling he is not good enough and just general low self esteem. He, too, has been claiming various ailments regularly like stomach aches, headaches etc and wanting time off school. The upshot of the meeting is that his teacher suspects he could have Developmental Language Disorder and so we are going to see an Educational Psychologist privately. Even if he doesn’t have this DLD, we are hoping that we may gain an insight about how to help him going forward, esp once he starts secondary. The school have also referred him to see the in-house counsellor for weekly chats.

I hope your meeting is useful and it sounds like it is definitely the right thing to do to give your son the support he needs during this transitional period before Yr7. Good luck with it all and I hope your son feels better soon!

Pepperama · 23/03/2023 23:08

I’d be there like a flash too. Something has happened and you want to get to the bottom of it. Ask school to tell you what they think is going on given he used to enjoy school and do very well and now he’s not.
Is it interpersonal or has something knocked his confidence?
At home, is he getting enough sleep/not on screens too much so he gets proper rest (just because mine is a similar age and a couple of times he was like what you describe we later realised he’d got hold of the screentime password and played till late eating rubbish, and the next couple of days was a total mess emotionally).
All ok in friendship group?
Has puberty hit with a vengeance - any early signs like pimples, body odour etc?

Hope school is able to shed light!

Dacadactyl · 23/03/2023 23:08

Leaflesstreetops · 23/03/2023 23:00

@Dacadactyl last year he was greater depth for English and Math but going through his SATs papers (they get set one of each per week for homework then mark them in class) his scores are 1/10 or 3/10! Which I don’t understand at all.
He just clams up completely so I’ve let him do them alone which probably hasn’t helped, but it’s what he’s wanted.

Does he have a phone?

While I suspect the sats pressure is getting to him, if he has a phone I'd be reducing his time on that in your shoes to see if his mood improves.

Mariposista · 23/03/2023 23:11

Could he be being bullied OP? I hope you get some answers. 11 is so young to be so miserable.

purpletrees16 · 23/03/2023 23:31

Mariposista · 23/03/2023 23:11

Could he be being bullied OP? I hope you get some answers. 11 is so young to be so miserable.

This - I withdrew at about 11 due to being bullied. It’s can be a vicious time social group wise. I stopped eating so that I was too sick to go school (anoxeria.. but not because I wanted to be thin, just wanted to be in control.). I didn’t have academic issues, just social ones.

Rockyolive · 24/03/2023 00:05

Has he had his eyesight tested recently? Just a thought. Might explain why he is struggling with the SATs papers and obviously would really affect his confidence.

Edthehorse · 24/03/2023 00:09

OP my son got referred to CAHMS in year 6 as he was hearing voices in his head.

Long story short it was all stress from SATS.

Schools and the government have alot to answer for.

In my experience the higher performing kids have the most pressure from teachers.

They need to be told how this is affecting children.

Don't hold back

Maray1967 · 24/03/2023 00:12

Agreed. Tell school very clearly that he will not be working under pressure to perform in SATS. These did not exist when I was 11 - they are supposed to assess the school but somehow they’ve turned into mini GCSEs.

Make it clear he will not be doing loads of homework and tell him loudly and clearly that SATS do not matter.

If you can, take him out to do fun things at weekends or just chill out.

Abitofalark · 24/03/2023 01:11

You do know what to say - your first paragraph says it all very powerfully as to the state your child has fallen into and very clearly has a fear, a dread, a worry about going to school and you want to know what is going on there and if the school can provide some answers and what they would propose to do to help this child.

What could be more important than the wellbeing of your child or more painful than to see him suffering? A teacher having a down on a child - which it sounds like - can have a serious, longlasting effect and you are doing the right thing talking to him and talking to the teachers. Fortunately, he has you and is beginning to unburden himself of some of that worry by talking. Without that it must feel very lonely and bleak. Yet the thing that most worries is the very thing it's hardest to speak about. That's a measure of how upset he is.

Original poster
Leaflesstreetops · 24/03/2023 07:08

@TwirlyGalaxy He was due to go to one secondary that his friends were going to but most have now switched to another (further away) due to our closest having issues, and I wonder if that is causing some worry but again when I’ve asked he says he just doesn’t want to go to secondary at all.
@Mariposista I don’t think he’s being bullied as he’s in a group of about 6 kids who all play at break and often go to one another’s homes.
He does have a phone but he’s not ever so bothered about it-just WhatsApp with his mates (I monitor), and unfortunately YouTube shorts but he has a limit of 30 mins a day for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaflesstreetops · 24/03/2023 07:13

@Rockyolive thats a good idea-I’ll book one as it’s been 2 years.
@Edthehorse I am so sorry to read that. Truly hope your son is ok? I don’t understand the pressure but then I don’t understand if SAT’s are important or not. I didn’t think they were then read a thread on here recently and worried maybe they are! But regardless, right or wrongly, I don’t hold education above mental health. (I’m not the brightest star in the sky but I’ve always been fairly happy with life)
@Abitofalark This made me tear up, you may well be right.

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 24/03/2023 07:23

1 paper of each per week and mark in class is over the top.
Not doing PE is over the top.
Are they still doing stuff like Art or has that gone too?

I'd be telling them their approach appears to be harming my child and counter productive.

No schoolwork over Easter holiday, even if they set some.

rose69 · 24/03/2023 07:24

is it legal for a school to stop teaching PE due to Sats. Are the English and maths tests are they are teaching. It sounds a horrible environment.

Anonhopingforbaby · 24/03/2023 07:30

My sister had her first panic attack in year 2 because of her SATs, there was no pressure from the family but the school made them so pressured that she had no chance.

She bombed them, and her year 6 ones.

Now she's 23, has a 2.1 in law from one of the top universities in the country and is starting a training contract at a huge regional firm.

OP, they really don't matter that much. Try and support your son, make up for the PE he's missing, take him out at the weekends. And definitely speak to his teacher and headteacher, there's no way a teacher should be shouting at children in class over this. They also shouldn't be stopping everything to focus solely on the stupid tests.

Over Easter, do you think you could have him meet up with some of his school friends and completely mess around? Take him and do other things instead of just focusing on the tests

Original poster
Leaflesstreetops · 24/03/2023 07:33

Interesting as I wasn’t sure if it was OTT or not!
They’re focusing on maths, English, science and geography apparently while all other ‘fun’ as DS puts it is put on hold. He said late last night that the kids who are expected to do well all sit together on one table, and get zero help/attention. The other kids who aren’t expecting to do so well sit on another table with a TA. I questioned this and he’s adamant that’s right.
when I was at school tables were mixed so we could all help one another?

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaflesstreetops · 24/03/2023 07:37

@Anonhopingforbaby Year 2 panic attack! That’s awful! Your sisters done great thank you.
Yes I will say no homework or revision over Easter and will plan lots of fun days!

OP posts:
Anonhopingforbaby · 24/03/2023 07:40

Leaflesstreetops · 24/03/2023 07:33

Interesting as I wasn’t sure if it was OTT or not!
They’re focusing on maths, English, science and geography apparently while all other ‘fun’ as DS puts it is put on hold. He said late last night that the kids who are expected to do well all sit together on one table, and get zero help/attention. The other kids who aren’t expecting to do so well sit on another table with a TA. I questioned this and he’s adamant that’s right.
when I was at school tables were mixed so we could all help one another?

Your poor son Sad

Has he told you which table he's been seated on? Not that it'll matter because that method is awful, but it may be in part due to this.

Is his teacher new? Sounds like they're out of their depth and are really impacting the kids with their methods. It's just totally unacceptable and I'm sorry your son is going through this

Soontobe60 · 24/03/2023 07:40

Whilst the school may well not be prepared to change their approach to SATs, there’s lots you could do out of school to help him. It sounds like he’s lost his mojo. Here’s what I’d suggest.
Take him out once a week with a friend to somewhere like Jump Xtreme where he can let rip and burn off energy.
Get him a good tutor - sounds counter productive but if he thinks he’s not good at learning, having some 1:1 could boost his emotional well-being no end.
Make sure he knows that you don’t care at all what marks he gets in any of his tests.
Don’t stop him from doing any work School send home - he will feel more pressure if he’s not completing it, but make it clear that you will support him to do it rather than leaving him to do it alone.
Does he have a hobby? If so, make sure he spends time in it very regularly.

Hope your meeting goes well x