Advice please as have a meeting with DS11 school re his emotional state

[Leaflesstreetops]

DS has become a shell of himself these last few months, and I don’t know what else to do. He’s been begging not to go to school all week. These last few months he’s had headaches, constantly tired, stomach aches, emotional outbursts of inconsolable tears for the smallest things and shows such apathy for most things he previously enjoyed. He’s distancing himself and has this aura of sadness all around him. (He’s seen a GP & bloods all ok).
When I ask what’s on his mind he usually says he doesn’t know why he feels this way but this week he has given a few reasons-
a lot of pressure from SAT’s
no PE lessons as they are focusing on SATs
feels school is unfair/students with additional needs get extra playtime/support
he feels invisible
he feels he can’t make teacher happy
teacher is stressed, shouts, says he’s not acting like a Year 6 student should be
school is boring
Doesn’t want to go to secondary

In a fit of panic, I’ve asked for a meeting with his class teacher and the school head (who was his previous teacher and who DS really admires).
But, with this list it just reads like I’m bashing his teacher! And I certainly don’t want to come across that way, but I honestly don’t know what to do or really what the school can do? His teacher does always seem to be a bit harassed but then aren’t most? And for good reason!

So I have a meeting tomorrow and they’ve asked what outcome I’d like, and now I don’t really know what to say and I don’t want to waste anyone’s time. Have I overreacted by requesting a meeting?

"As an outcome, I'd like us to come up with ideas for both school and home to implement that will reduce his stress levels and bring back his joy for life."

It's no more nor less complicated than that, right? So the ideas might mean he gets extra PE with year 5, or after-school club, gets some weekly TA / teacher input on how to improve, year-group chat about managing stress, SATS aren't everything etc.

If he was at GD last year, then I wouldn't have thought the SATs practice would be too terrible for. him as he clearly doesn't find it difficult.
The "no PE is" terrible though, he is entitled to 2 hours pw, and lots of schools get Y6 outside for extra play/relaxation between SATs practice papers. But surely missing 2 hours PE isn't ruining the whole of school?
I wonder why the fact that children who struggle more getting extra help bothers him? That will always have been the case, it's nothing new. Sitting at a table with other more able children to get on with things independently shouldn't be an issue, and. is often seen as a bonus, so why is it troubling him? Does he feel he can't ask for help? Does he actually need help, or is he just bored? I'm wondering, because IME the children who are strong academically often really enjoy doing tests, especially the maths ones. Something has changed, so do speak to the teacher ( before you speak to the head) . It could be, as another poster suggested, the onset of puberty.

Almost exactly the same here with my year 6 DS. Id love to hear how the meeting goes and their response. Also working at GD but is finding the relentless approach to English and maths is taking a toll- double lessons, missing art, swimming, geography etc, told they need to catch up....really not the relaxed approach they told us they take at the beginning of the year. I never thought I'd be thinking about my child's mental health so young!

I can only hope they'll make up for it with other subjects after May.

Some schools do make SATs a miserable experience. My son said sats were so much worse than gcses he is doing now in terms of pressure. It all came from the school.
You can explain how your son is presenting and ask for support without mentioning the teacher much if you dont want to make it feel like a blame situation.

@Leaflesstreetops Are there only 2 tables? It’s also pretty normal to set in maths in y6. Although some schools only separate those who are really struggling. However all Dc should be taught. What is the procedure in class for asking for help? Does he understand this?

If the teacher says he’s not ready for secondary, is this because he finds it difficult to work through work without needing help? Would he rather not be on the “exceeding” table? Try and get to the bottom of this because the comments seem negative.

As for not getting sport! That’s appalling. Check it out though. Will there be loads of sport after sats? I don’t approve of taking weekly sport away and dislike schools behaving like this. Bring this up at the meeting.

Do not tell him sats don’t matter. All the evidence he sees every day tells him the opposite. I do think you need to minimise his anxiety but pretending something isn’t important won’t convince him. What should happen is less emphasis on sats practice. That’s something to discuss with the teacher. Try and seek out a healthy balance. Some schools don’t stress Dc out. Can you find out what other schools do?

You could definitely ensure he has a good Easter holiday. It’s also fair that he understands that secondary is a big change. It’s a challenge but doable. If you think he will miss his friends, you really need to work on this! Didn’t you want to change schools like the others? If he’s attached to his friends, making new ones can seem daunting!

Update-teacher has had to cancel due to illness. She said she’d spoken to Head who has suggested we meet next week instead as she has a headache. But frustrated as I’d still have to do my job with a headache but not up to me.

Poor. As you say, what can you do?

Oh dear. First of all asking what outcome you'd like from the meeting. Now cancelled because of a headache. Curiouser and curiouser. You have to carry on whether you feel like it or not and your child too.

On top of cancelling, 'next week' is very vague and shows no sense of urgency. You could seize the initiative and ring up the head's office on Monday morning to ask for an early meeting. This might inject some urgency.

I'm not in England but I'd be tempted to say to head that he isn't doing the Sat's - they seem to be more about schools performance than individual children when reading about them

Try to take things at face value.

The school wants to know what outcome you want and it seems pretty obvious to me. I’m unsure why it isn’t obvious to you.

You would like to understand what is troubling your son and find out what the school are going to do to support you.

Explain what you have observed, not inferred.

Children who are removed for sats still do the prep work. This is rarely a solution. You could do this but it’s often counter productive and schools don’t like it. I don’t see it helps the child. Just makes them stand out as different.

Similar issues with my year 6 boy. Will keep it shortish but the root of it was starting to fine school work more challenging, and the outlet was 'I hate school'. Also exhausted so gave up scouts and just does a sport out of school

Spoke to the teacher, who helped by moving his seat away from disruptive children and letting him know your best is good enough. Also some friendship issues so he's made more effort to widen his circle.

This was all after Xmas and a few weeks on he is sooo much better. Seems it's a familiar phase!

"Do not tell him sats don’t matter. All the evidence he sees every day tells him the opposite. I do think you need to minimise his anxiety but pretending something isn’t important won’t convince him. What should happen is less emphasis on sats practice. That’s something to discuss with the teacher. Try and seek out a healthy balance. Some schools don’t stress Dc out. Can you find out what other schools do?"

At 11, they are old enough to understand the truth: his sats results do not matter for him, but they do matter for his teacher and his school, which is why they are taking such a priority in school time. Telling him that may help him keep things in better perspective. The only respect in which they will affect a child is in the expectations placed on them at secondary school. Most secondary schools are sensible enough to keep things like setting under review so that they are not restricted by their sats results.

It does sound as if the school is panicking, and that this may be counterproductive, quite apart from the effect on children's health.

Ds1 struggled for a while in year 6. The school was ramping up the pressure on Sat's and the teacher was generalising in her comments to the class. Ds1 was scoring highly in tests (top end of the class), but felt it wasn't good enough. Like your ds he felt the fun had gone.

I offered him a lot of reassurance that the tests were to find out how well the teachers had taught the class, not about him. I told him I didn't care about the results and they weren't important to us, that if he wanted to answer every question incorrectly that would be fine.

I told his teacher that he was struggling with the pressure and that if it continued to have a detrimental effect on his mental wellbeing then I would refuse to allow him to sit them. I also told them that I'd given ds1 permission to fail. I did make his teacher aware that ds1 had decided to help his teacher get good marks in the test by doing his best for her because he liked her though, but made it clear the pressure had to stop.

He's just about to finish university but his teachers still say hello when I see them around. I made it clear that it was about ds1 and not a reflection of their teaching. We continued to have a good relationship with the school, you are acting as an advocate for your child, while that's daunting, it can be done collaboratively. I used phrases like " I want to reassure ds1 that...", "how can I support him?"

I agree entirely. I’ve always made clear to my DC that SATs are for assessing the school and the teaching and not them.

It does sound like his school are putting a lot of pressure on them around SATs. I know our school were trying to be quite low key about it, but even so, some kids will worry about it more than others. At this age though the tests really don't matter for the kids. Can you remind him of that.
The transition to secondary school is already a difficult one, so if he is hating school already and now his friends are going elsewhere, I can understand him just outrightly saying he doesn't want to go.
You aren't teacher bashing, you are just relaying what your son is saying and how he is feeling in order to get him some help and support. Any decent teacher would want to know if they up upsetting a student, even unintentionally. So you are absolutely right to seek help from school.
I hope your son gets the help he needs.

@lanthanum
Yes. They might understand your views but they are also being fed the views of the school too. Plus other dc and parents might also think they are important. All this ends up doing is adding to the conflict. An explanation about why the school thinks they are important is worthwhile. A child who thinks for themselves will notice the conflicting positions and how, exactly, will that resolve the issues? It’s better to have an honest conversation that also encompasses the school’s position. That doesn’t mean the OP needs to agree with over the top revision and stress though.

Not doing PE "because of SATs" doesn't ring true to me.

Is it possible he's refusing PE (with the excuse of headaches, sore stomach etc) because he's worried / become self conscious about his body in the changing room? Maybe puberty ( or not having reached puberty when his pals have)
or some teasing abour penis size etc.

If its a mixed class, 11 is when the girls often mature faster than the boys and that may be the source of his unhappiness. Unrequited love. anxiety, etc.

Well, in the school where I work Y6 had their PE cancelled last Tuesday because they had to be in the hall sitting a practice SATs paper instead. They were not happy. So it does happen.