To sometimes just not want to talk?

[Whatshemessingwithnow]

Does anyone else feel like they cba to talk and would like to just sit quietly?
This evening at dinner, Dh has just arrived home from work and we were all eating (me, him and Dd, 4) and it felt as though he started firing questions at me, he’s the same when I’ve just woken up in the morning too. I was eating and replying, but perhaps not with much enthusiasm and he got pissed off and said I wasn’t even talking.
I understand his point of view, but also, I’d been up since 5.30 am as Dd woke early, I’d been working, dropping & picking up Dd, doing a food shop, walking the dog, tidying up after her, making the dinner etc etc…Dd is wonderful, but v energetic and chatty, she’s quite intense and demands a lot of my attention and talks from the minute she wakes up until she goes to sleep.
By 6pm I honestly just want to shut the hell up and be alone 🙈
I’m also a person who is ok with my own company and I love sitting alone and being quiet…it’s so rare now, which I get, but should Dh understand this is the way I am and accept me for that and not get angry of Aibu? Can I not be myself in my own home?

There’s a phrase that I love. Companiable silence.

And that is what I love about my relationship with DH. Yes we chat, debate, talk rubbish to each other loads. But I also love that we can just be together and not feel like we have to fill the silence. It’s very calming.

We talk but just some evenings by this time I’m just too tired/can’t be bothered. We’re ok, but I often don’t find the conversation v interesting at all 😬I think I use up all my main energy and effort with Dd too. It’s not a regular thing, even though I often don’t feel much like it, I have conversations, just today I said I was tired…he knew what time Dd woke me up too. I just think it should be ok to understand others personalities and leave them be at times

Neither of you are wrong, this is one of those situations where a bit of insight into each others mood/state of mind at the time is helpful.

Maybe when you're not both in the moment and feeling annoyed, you can discuss how this happened and agree that one might feel sociable when the other doesn't and make a plan to check in on each other before expectations are disappointed.

So he could come home and ask how you're feeling, would like some company and chat or do you need a quiet hour before you can even think about it?
With little simple steps like that all this not being on each others wave length at the same moment can be worked round with some mutual consideration.

Well he obviously doesn't have the mental work of parenting all day so I understand why you have little to no energy! A conversation is definitely necessary. Maybe he feels like you are bored of him or don't like his company, and a bit of reassurance would make him realise the silence doesn't have to be filled! We are all different, no one is in the wrong here 🙂

Oh my god, yes. I really struggle with this actually, I just find it so painful how much others seem to need to fill every silence. I do feel as if I'm not necessarily neurotypical though, and I probably do just come off as antisocial a lot of the time.

My DH and I are mismatched like this and it does cause us some problems. We both get quite stressed by work. When I get home, I find I tend to think about work issues, replay events in my head and plan for the following day. It takes an hour or so for this to stop happening and for me to switch off. However, DH seems to want to deal with his day by offloading and giving me a blow by blow account of what has happened at his work and ask my opinion of any issues he has. So to me it feels that my work is still going round my head and then he's trying to cram his stuff in with it!! He gets annoyed that I don't listen.

I need alone time so I totally understand. Thankfully basically every member of both our families are introverts so it works out. Definitely let him know how you feel!

My best friend has recently separated from her husband. One of her main issues was that he stopped showing any interest in her day, in her life. She would be trying to make conversation on an evening asking the sort of questions your husband was, showing an interest in his day, and getting nothing back. Just as it appears you want to do. It got to the point that she wasn't willing to stay with someone who was blatantly disinterested in sharing themselves with her, and also showing no interest in her. I can understand your desire for quiet, but surely that needs to balance with dh need for conversation and sharing of the day to day details of your lives. The dinner table isn't an unreasonable location for that conversation, could you not take time for yourself after dinner? Talk to your dh, communicate, tell him how you feel and come up with a compromise that suits you both.

Ah, I see, could you teach her not to disturb you for 20-30 minutes (unless it's an emergency!)?

Start with a shorter time and build up to the 30 minutes, perhaps give her a reward afterwards if she manages it? Could you set an alarm clock and explain she has to play on her own and not disturb you until the alarm goes off?

Even 20-30 minutes on your own in the afternoon might help you recharge your batteries to get you through the evening. Use that time in whatever way helps you to relax and feel refreshed.

Another thought, could there be a medical reason perhaps to explain why you feel so tired and drained? Have you seen a GP recently for a general health check up and blood tests? Thyroid issues, vitamin or iron deficiency can all cause fatigue. Maybe you have low level depression, that can cause fatigue and a lack of interest in others?

As a pp mentioned it's a slippery slope when you stop talking. Your updates suggest your DH is out working all day and when he's home you're trying to avoid conversing with him. I really do get the need for alone time to unwind but it's important to find the right balance so your marriage isn't affected.

Well, my DH is like this SOME days, but other days he just gets verbal diarrhea. It's like he can't go more than 60 seconds without speaking, and half the time it's drivel or something he has already told me 2 or 3 times. When I say 'you told me this already!' he says 'oh have I?' and proceeds to still tell me what he's telling me AGAIN.

As I say, it's only some days, thankfully. But it is very tiring some days. I do wonder how I will cope when we are retired because he has no hobbies and no friends, just work colleagues, and turns to me as his sounding board, best friend, shoulder to cry on, and general chatterbox target. Guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I 100% get it you need a bit of time/headspace, my other half is the same gets annoyed at me but at the same time if someone is not giving many answers continuing conversations get the hint they are knackered 😂

And "In the mornings, I actually wait in the loo sometimes for him to go to work (he leaves quite early) as I just need time to wake up and am on auto pilot making coffee 😂" i've hidden in the loo plenty of times i.e. defo following this topic and you are not BU

I think it’s reasonable to be chatty at the dinner table and not the place to expect peace and quiet. I’d disappear for a bath after dinner - that’s what I do! Or whatever you find calming. And I’m not even an introvert - but everyone needs some alone time.

I have 2dc 9 and 11 and have to referee them, they talk so much. Dh is much quieter. He really struggles with the noisy chaos of kids.