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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need a last minute excuse for not attending a work meal with colleagues- help please!

37 replies

lastminexcuse · 23/03/2023 10:02

I am supposed to have a meal with colleagues tonight to celebrate a business win we made as a team. There's 6 of us going, and my project lead reached out to confirm we could all attend before he booked it.

I'm autistic, although my colleagues don't know. I've been dreading this meal since I found out about it, and this morning I just couldn't face getting out of bed for it. I had this huge sense of dread and just couldn't get up. I find a normal day in the office stressful enough, and having a meal to add onto the end of that just pushed me over the edge of being overwhelmed. I am in the process of finding another job that is less stressful.

I need an excuse as to why I can't make the meal tonight. Please help me. I don't have children so can't use that as a reason, and I feel like I always bring out the 'I have a doctor's appointment' excuse to avoid socialising with colleagues

OP posts:
Annabananna1 · 23/03/2023 10:04

A relative needing assistance?

Transport problem (no car today)?

Feeling exhausted (partially honest) and under the weather?

Streamside · 23/03/2023 10:05

Could you go and limit the time you spend there, ie: arrive just before the meal and leave immediately afterwards. I also used to dislike these sort of events but have learnt to cope with them.

takealettermsjones · 23/03/2023 10:08

Are you up now and working? Do you think there's anything you could do to make yourself more comfortable about going? E.g. calming exercises, look up photos of the restaurant beforehand so you know the layout, read the menu online, etc.

If not - your sister needs you to look after her kids until she gets home because her childminder cancelled. You've got a burst pipe and you're having to wait in for the emergency plumber. You've got a migraine.

Original poster
lastminexcuse · 23/03/2023 10:12

Yeah, I'm working from home now. I live 1.5 hours away from the office so would be difficult to get there now as I'd have to travel up during my lunch break

I really don't think I can face going. I'm also having an IBS flare-up, which I think is because of stress

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 23/03/2023 10:13

I’d go with the helping a family member or neighbour with emergency babysitting

Redebs · 23/03/2023 10:15

"Sorry I won't be there. Not up to it today."

CharlotteStreetW1 · 23/03/2023 10:16

I really don't think I can face going. I'm also having an IBS flare-up, which I think is because of stress

There's your excuse.

GreenIsle · 23/03/2023 10:19

Can you just say you forgot and then send apologies after.

stopringingme · 23/03/2023 10:19

@lastminexcuse

You are having an IBS flare up there is your very valid reason for not attending.

Natty13 · 23/03/2023 10:20

Do you have a meeting or call with colleagues this afternoon? The best excuses are not last minute you need to set the scene. Say you can't attend a meeting/make a scheduled call because you have a burst pipe/your electric has gone off/your house alarm is faulty and blaring non stop and you have to sort it. Say something that would require immediate attention and would then make sense when you obviously "cant make" the dinner.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/03/2023 10:21

I have a strict regard for the truth, but have to say this sounds like a situation where subterfuge is fully called-for. It's not as though you're skiving, this isn't work, this is a social thing which should in theory be optional, so I don't think there's any moral reason not to get out of it if you can't face it. Maybe try the "I can't make the dinner, something's come up," line, so not untrue as such; hopefully you'll be able to fend off any questions about exactly what it is. And then tomorrow when they ask you if everything's ok you say it's sorted thanks, but you prefer not to talk about it.

3luckystars · 23/03/2023 10:23

a colleague used ‘sorry I have double booked myself’ excuse recently and nobody asked any questions.

just text that on and make sure the other booking is for a bath !

PonyPals · 23/03/2023 10:29

Please don't just say you double booked your self. That's rude.

Say that unfortunately you do not feel well and have a migraine. And then say congrats on the win and have a drink for me!

TriedTurningItOff · 23/03/2023 10:30

Yup, agree - 'sorry, tummy trouble, I can't make tonight'. And it's mostly true

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 23/03/2023 10:31

IBS flare up is the perfect excuse. 'Can't be away from a toilet long enough to get there.'

lieselotte · 23/03/2023 10:31

I'm also having an IBS flare-up, which I think is because of stress

This is your reason. It's not an excuse.

Frabbits · 23/03/2023 10:32

You don't need an excuse.

"I'm sorry, I won't be there".

Done.

ilovesooty · 23/03/2023 10:33

CharlotteStreetW1 · 23/03/2023 10:16

I really don't think I can face going. I'm also having an IBS flare-up, which I think is because of stress

There's your excuse.

Tell them that your IBS is affecting you. That's the truth. No need to tell lies.

SixPenny · 23/03/2023 10:34

Just tell them that you won't be there.
No need for a drama.

Butchyrestingface · 23/03/2023 10:35

Frabbits · 23/03/2023 10:32

You don't need an excuse.

"I'm sorry, I won't be there".

Done.

Not sure that's a sensible approach given project lead already confirmed with her she'd be going. OP still has to work with these people.

The IBS flare-up is the truth and I always try to go with the truth where possible. Means you don't have to try to remember your lies.

ilovesooty · 23/03/2023 10:35

Natty13 · 23/03/2023 10:20

Do you have a meeting or call with colleagues this afternoon? The best excuses are not last minute you need to set the scene. Say you can't attend a meeting/make a scheduled call because you have a burst pipe/your electric has gone off/your house alarm is faulty and blaring non stop and you have to sort it. Say something that would require immediate attention and would then make sense when you obviously "cant make" the dinner.

FFS. Do people really lie like this? She has an IBS flare. That's the trurh.

ilovemydogmore · 23/03/2023 10:38

ilovesooty · 23/03/2023 10:35

FFS. Do people really lie like this? She has an IBS flare. That's the trurh.

Show quote history

Yes they do except everyone around them knows they are clearly lying and just ignores it!

Original poster
lastminexcuse · 23/03/2023 10:40

Thank you all. I have now emailed to say I'm unwell, I didn't say IBS flare-up as I feel embarrassed saying that to the male project lead (lol). Thank you for helping me see that an IBS flare is a valid reason, it helps me feel less guilty knowing that I have a 'physical' reason rather than just mental, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 23/03/2023 10:47

You have Covid symptoms maybe.

latetothefisting · 23/03/2023 10:53

I can't believe people are suggesting just not giving a reason.

That's rude in any situation but given OP already confirmed she could go and its a work related event it's not appropriate to just back out with no reason -even if the reason isn't a true one. ibs flare up or feeling unwell is perfectly fine as long as you say something. Otherwise people are going to ask "why didn't you come last night is everything ok?"

I would also double check that there isn't going to be any financial detriment caused to the booker by you not going -every time I've booked anywhere nicer than the local pub in the last year I've had to pay a deposit per person to reserve the table. If so you should offer to repay them.

In future you need to tell people if you can't or don't want to go to something not agree and then back out.

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