Need a last minute excuse for not attending a work meal with colleagues- help please!

[lastminexcuse]

I am supposed to have a meal with colleagues tonight to celebrate a business win we made as a team. There's 6 of us going, and my project lead reached out to confirm we could all attend before he booked it.

I'm autistic, although my colleagues don't know. I've been dreading this meal since I found out about it, and this morning I just couldn't face getting out of bed for it. I had this huge sense of dread and just couldn't get up. I find a normal day in the office stressful enough, and having a meal to add onto the end of that just pushed me over the edge of being overwhelmed. I am in the process of finding another job that is less stressful.

I need an excuse as to why I can't make the meal tonight. Please help me. I don't have children so can't use that as a reason, and I feel like I always bring out the 'I have a doctor's appointment' excuse to avoid socialising with colleagues

Can you really not tell your colleagues? Those who have been honest in my workplace have only been met with positive responses (and very valuable accommodations, like not being expected to go to these things!)

I'm autistic too. I get it. I went out last night with colleagues. Dreaded it ALL day. Finally went out and had the best time. Chatting 1:1 with my colleagues one at a time. I feel more of a team now than I ever did before.

I think I go to 1 in 4 out of work meetups.

Say "tummy trouble" - nobody ever questions it x

I have to say, I'm finding it so sad that in this day and age it's normal to pretend you're really sick rather than autistic, just to get by at work.

I have a young autistic DC and would be devastated if they grew up thinking they had to constantly lie about something that forms such a huge part of their identity.

To be honest, that's more on me rather than it being the norm. My employer is very good at supporting neurodiversity and putting in reasonable adjustments. It's just I've only been diagnosed recently so still finding it difficult to talk to people about, and I'm also leaving my company soon so don't feel the need to tell them

I am similar and attend roughly 1 in 4 enforced work socialising events. I don't like them and they give me anxiety. When the last one was booked (a month in advance) I was 'double booked' early enough that it wasn't rude.
You can just say tummy upset if you don't want them to know about IBS, most people will not question that and in your case it's actually true.
In better circumstances you could just go for a few hours. Perhaps you have a houseguest arriving or are responsible for a neighbour's pet.

You're ill with the ibs symptoms

In future don't agree to go - cost of living, not for me that sort of thing

I'm also autistic and didn't tell work when I started as things were different 20 years ago, and now can't seem to get up the courage to. In my case the main thing putting me off is that you can't untell and my work is project based so while my current manager, and indeed most managers, would be supportive I've had one in the past who really wasn't.

I understand, it's hard to "come out" for want of a better term. Not everyone will react positively or may want to discuss it and ask questions. I think it's totally different if you start a job, and are open about being autistic, but bringing it in at a later stage is awkward. You don't necessarily want to answer questions, or wonder who is discussing you and why. There's also the concern about being treated differently. Plus it's very private and new to you.

You've done it now, relax. You've made your apologies. 💕

"Im so sorry but I've been feeling unwell all day and now fairly certain I have a vomiting bug, cant stop.being sick and have a temp. Hope you all have a lovely time but I can't make it."

Glad others were able to help and good luck with your job search.

I often dread nights out with colleagues (although I generally enjoy them if I turn up) and I think most people do so it's not really autistic thing is it?

I can relate to how you feel. I also get the pre-socialising dread. I don't tend to cancel close friends but have cancelled a few works things.

I would either force yourself to go, or just say you're not feeling well. They have no right to challenge you on it, especially as it's in your own time.

Going forwards though, would you consider letting your boss know about your autism and how you find certain situations difficult? It may make your life easier once they know but also, I find sharing this kind of information really liberating for everyone. It may help your boss be a better boss to others and may help others feel able to share their own issues at work.

I'm not saying you have to of course and totally get why some people want privacy, but sometimes I think getting things out in the open is much better for everyone than feeling like you have to hide your condition and all the stress that comes along with hiding it.