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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is being an arse

27 replies

OhBabyThrowaway · 23/03/2023 08:27

So here's the situation.

I've recently had a new phone and logged into my period tracker app, for some reason it reset my monthly cycle to 28 days.

We had unprotected sex around a week before my period was due, as my cycle is roughly 32-33 days, but I thought it was only a couple days due to the app resetting.

Regardless of this it should have been fine as I would have still ovulated the week before. But my period is now late and I have soreness in my breasts and cramps, plus other symptoms.

We recently spoke about accidental pregnancy and how it wouldn't be ideal or the best time but we would probably make it work.
Last night he was saying if I was pregnant to get an abortion, I said no I told you if it happened I wouldn't abort and now he is pissed off at me because if I am it would ruin our holiday plans.

His reasons, I would be due shortly after we go away. Plus the due date would be in December so birthdays would be a bit crap.
Also financially things would be tight and stressful.

He did say initially I told him it was fine and misled him and I said ok sorry I got the dates wrong, plus I never said there was no risk I said there was a very low chance but it was unlikely.
Also he was very pushy saying I would have to get an abortion.

Now I'm pissed and think he is being selfish and I said he was giving me mixed signals saying it wouldn't be ideal but he also didn't seem fully against it.
Also I told him before I wouldn't get an abortion if it happened and he didn't put up a fight then.

Am I being the unreasonable one?

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 23/03/2023 08:33

I'm of the belief that every adult takes responsibility for their own contraception. So regardless of you tracking your cycle or anything else, he shouldn't be relying on just you and should be using his own as well if he REALLY doesn't want a baby. Man or woman, if you don't want a baby, it's on you as the individual to stop it. I have no time for men who bleat about being 'trapped' or 'tricked', or 'misled'. He's a grown man.

He has absolutely no right to leave it all to you and then demand you get an abortion after the fact. It's YOUR body. Yes, he is an arse.

Palmface · 23/03/2023 08:36

Take a test, then you'll know if you're talking about a real or hypothetical situation.

If you're pregnant, it's because both of you consented to having unprotected sex. There's always a small chance of ovulating earlier or later so unless you're tracking with the pee sticks or blood tests the apps can't be fully relied on.

He can't force you to have an abortion. It is your choice. He can choose not to be part of the child's life, but will have to pay child maintenance etc.

If you're not pregnant i would be seriously reconsidering if this is who I wanted to be with. He doesn't sound very nice, OP.

Pollywoddles · 23/03/2023 08:36

Stop having unprotected sex with this man. Neither of you are on the same page about what would happen if you got pregnant so it shouldn’t even be something that can happen. To hell with being unreasonable, you are both being idiots.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 23/03/2023 08:37

He is an arse, but you are both stupid to rely on tracking your cycle to avoid conception. So here you are. And enough with all this 'if I'm pregnant' rubbish - wee on a bloody stick and find out. Then you'll know whether you actually have an issue.

If you do, he cannot tell you to have an abortion, his right to make a decision ended when he shot his load.

But I would think twice about having a child by a man who is so utterly stupid, immature and bullying tbh.

Aprilx · 23/03/2023 08:40

Why are you having this debate on a hypothetical situation. Take a test and then discuss it (or not).

Redebs · 23/03/2023 08:40

Pollywoddles · 23/03/2023 08:36

Stop having unprotected sex with this man. Neither of you are on the same page about what would happen if you got pregnant so it shouldn’t even be something that can happen. To hell with being unreasonable, you are both being idiots.

This.
And wait until you know for sure before arguing about it.

Lovemusic33 · 23/03/2023 08:40

Why would you rely on an app or your cycle as a form of contraception?

You both sound very stupid, he should be using a condom of your not willing to take a contraceptive. Let’s hope your not pregnant for the sake of the possible child 😬.

Justforlaffs · 23/03/2023 08:40

Any man who tried to force me to have an abortion would be out the door quicker than a pig down a greasy slide.

Thank god he's shown you who he really is BEFORE you've had children with him - obviously you are going to dump him now?? If not, you're mad - honestly.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 23/03/2023 08:40

Well you both should've known you need to use protection to avoid a situation like this - you've both been a bit stupid here.

Take a test and they you at least know what you're dealing with and go from there. At this point, the argument you're having may be all for nothing.

THEN, both of you sort out more sensible forms of contraception - and don't rely on an app.

FiddleLeaf · 23/03/2023 08:45

He’s an arse but… you’re both responsible for your own contraception.

I’m not sure why you’re having this debate when you could just do a test? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Pollywoddles · 23/03/2023 08:57

FiddleLeaf · 23/03/2023 08:45

He’s an arse but… you’re both responsible for your own contraception.

I’m not sure why you’re having this debate when you could just do a test? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Drama obviously.

Itsbytheby · 23/03/2023 08:59

Take a test and deal with the facts rather than arguing about hypothetical situations.

I wouldn't have an abortion for a baby I otherwise wanted due to a holiday and being a bad time of year for birthdays.

Original poster
OhBabyThrowaway · 23/03/2023 08:59

Hi.

I am waiting until Saturday to do a test as I wanted to be 100% sure. In the past when I have been pregnant it took a while to show a positive.
The thread for me is less about actually being pregnant and more his reaction to the possibility. The fact he led me into thinking he would come to terms with it in the end and we would both make it work.
But is instead now saying I would have to abort which makes me feel hurt and the fact abortion is also traumatic imo.

We actually have a 3 year old and have been talking about a potential sibling the past 6 months as he is due to start school where we live.
The attitude to this just shocked me, also it has always been a risk. I have in the past i suggested either of us getting sterilised if we are one and done but he always says no.
We own our home and both have reasonably well paying jobs so it wouldn't be the end of the world.
I know it was stupid but in my mind it was again not the worst case scenario for me.
Now I'm thinking I don't even want to touch him again to be honest.
Also after 30 I don't want to have any more..that's it for me! So really not got long left.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 23/03/2023 09:03

You both sound incredibly irresponsible and childish. This is no way to bring another child into the world.

Naunet · 23/03/2023 09:08

December so birthdays would be a bit crap

Jesus fucking Christ, he thinks that’s a reason to get an abortion??? Does he know what abortions involve, or does he not give a shit, just sees it as a form of male contraception so that he doesn’t have to use a condom and his orgasm is better? What a selfish little prick. And you want to be with this misogynistic pig?

CurlewKate · 23/03/2023 09:09

If he really doesn't want a baby he should use condoms.

Naunet · 23/03/2023 09:10

Lovemusic33 · 23/03/2023 08:40

Why would you rely on an app or your cycle as a form of contraception?

You both sound very stupid, he should be using a condom of your not willing to take a contraceptive. Let’s hope your not pregnant for the sake of the possible child 😬.

No, the question is why would HE rely on it? He’s the one so dead against having a child right now. But we all know why, because it means sex is a bit better for him. He’s selfish.

Harriyet · 23/03/2023 09:36

You both sound unreasonable in the fact that never in my lifetime have I known of an app being a form of contraception. Both people know what can happen with unprotected sex.

I wouldnt be bringing another baby into this world with someone who has the views that he has.

Barneysma2 · 23/03/2023 09:41

things are tight financially and yet you both decide to have unprotected sex. if you are pregnant it wouldnt be an accident as if you have sex with no protection then that means youre actively trying to get pregnant in my eyes,

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 23/03/2023 09:46

I would never go off an app as a form of contraception, that's silly. If it's unprotected, there's always a chance. But you both sound ridiculous arguing about something that might not even be happening.

Make sure you know for definite first and if you're not pregnant, maybe sort some real contraception out as it doesn't seem like a good time to have a baby.

Original poster
OhBabyThrowaway · 23/03/2023 09:48

@Harriyet

I was under the impression that it wouldn't have been ideal timing but we would have made it work..hence the app. My body is normally like clockwork.
He has never said he is dead set against another one.
I can't take the pill because it gives me awful mood swings, sex using condoms is rubbish.
I have said before look if we are doing it this way we need to agree if we are going to have the snip, because it may happen eventually but if we still want another child and it happened I would not have an abortion.
So this is a change of attitude from him and I'm a little disgusted by it to be honest.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 23/03/2023 09:51

I have to say I don't think I'd want to reproduce with a man like this in any circumstances.

The fact that he's more concerned about the potential for disruption to his holiday than the fact you may be about to bring new life into your family doesn't bode well at all.

You were both a bit daft to rely on a tracker app rather than contraception but the mechanics of this are irrelevant. It doesn't sound like he wants a baby and he's mithering and bullying you to get an abortion. You don't say whether you already have any kids with him, which would complicate things. If you do, don't have any more. If you don't, get the hell out of dodge.

Ponoka7 · 23/03/2023 09:58

It does sound like he has been stringing you along about another baby. December birthdays are fine. We do weekends away for my December GC and it's lovely having Christmas decorations in the background and a big choice of child friendly shows/activities. Everyone showed up to the softplay etc parties whereas when the weather is better, there's less people because they've got plans My DD loves her December birthday.

Mimikanassis · 23/03/2023 10:38

Hi OP, surprised that people are being very rude to you on here . Some like to think sex and procreation should be so sensible and planned, but if that were the case we wouldn't have Da Vinci or Billie holliday. Your partner's behaviour sound hurtful but hopefully he is just freaking out a little and if you're pregnant he will be surprised by joy. Whatever happens i hope it all works out for you xxxx

Pollywoddles · 23/03/2023 11:01

Mimikanassis · 23/03/2023 10:38

Hi OP, surprised that people are being very rude to you on here . Some like to think sex and procreation should be so sensible and planned, but if that were the case we wouldn't have Da Vinci or Billie holliday. Your partner's behaviour sound hurtful but hopefully he is just freaking out a little and if you're pregnant he will be surprised by joy. Whatever happens i hope it all works out for you xxxx

Or we wouldn’t have lots of unwanted children who deserve better. Reproduction absolutely should be planned.